3 months in…

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My relationship with RR is going nicely. I realized that I am so green when it comes to dating and being in an adult relationship. Everything is new and weird and wonderful and scary. I don’t remember being scared when I was jumping from relationship to relationship in high school. Probably because I did not have anything to lose. I didn’t know how precious my heart was, nor did I care. I was just in the moment of “love” better known as LUST, and my flesh was the one in charge of everything.

Now, I am so protective of my heart, you would swear that I was part grizzly bear. And I have to protect the hearts of my two ladybugs as well. And, it’s tough, trying to love with all your heart and protect it at the same time. The girls a.k.a. ladybugs, really like RR. They have made a genuine connection with him. Heck, they speak to him more than to their own father, since he has made it is business not to call them anymore. Yep, the ex does not call them anymore. He is trying to force the girls to call him by making them feel guilty and telling them that he is waiting for them to call him. What kind of monster puts the guilt trip on two innocent, little girls?

So, I can see how my girls are connecting to RR much quicker than I initially expected. I thought that they would just like him a lot, but these kids are already planning my life. My youngest asked me today, right out of the blue, when she was going to get a step-daddy. And then the oldest said soon and after a while, they can call him daddy. I was totally shocked and blown away by those statements and questions. I had no idea that these kids were thinking these things. But I guess if they are seeing a family unit at their father’s house, they want the same thing at their mother’s house. I didn’t honestly think that they were thirsting for a “complete” family environment like that. I asked my oldest if she’d be okay with calling RR “daddy” and she said YUP! No hesitation whatsoever. I hope she knows and understands that RR can’t replace her biological. He’s not trying to and I’m not expecting him to either.

It kind of made me feel bad, because I have been single for so long. And it wasn’t because I had no prospects, it was because I was waiting for the best of the prospects to step forward. I didn’t want to be one of those women that just brought a man into the house to complete that missing piece of the family puzzle. I thought my girls were OK since they were still visiting with their father and “was” talking to him throughout the week before he stopped. Have I messed my girls up? By wanting to heal and not settle? I know the answer, it just feels like I messed up.

Plus, I got scared because I started thinking, “what if this relationship doesn’t last and my girls are so attached and if we broke up, they would have to go through heartbreak all over again!” I guess that’s why people say it’s so important to make sure both parties in this relationship understand that what’s at stake doesn’t just affect the two people in the relationship. Same as a divorce. It just doesn’t affect the two people getting divorced, it affects everyone that loves the two individuals involved. But, again, I know that I was just feeling a little panicked.

RR is not my ex and I need to calm down. Those triggers man…just when you think you are over them. I didn’t realize that I would be worried about anything once I got in another relationship because I knew I was healed, but of course, you have to be in it, to know what to do and how you’re gonna react. I can say whatever I want outside of a relationship, but now that I am experiencing it, it’s different. It’s the same regarding celibacy. You are super strong and so determined to keep that celibacy with strong conviction and then when you get kissed, you are second-guessing this whole waiting until marriage thing. Oy vey!!! But, I am happy to report that I AM still celibate and waiting for marriage, albeit with bated and PANTING breath! LMBO!

I’ve never prayed over myself so much in my entire existence! But, I do want things to be different, and I can’t give in to my flesh. I’m not a child. And I know that it’s for the best. I’ve gotta be an example for myself, my ladybugs and I have to be obedient to God. There are people looking and what if I lead them away from Christ instead of to Him because they see me living a wishy-washy, hypocritical life? Nah buddy! Can’t have any of that.

But regardless of all of my trigger, panicky moments, I am happy. He makes me happy. And I am making him happy too! I think I’ll be seeing him in August. I saw him in April, May, June, we’re skipping July and August is shooting around the corner fast! God willing, this one is a keeper!

 

6 months into 2017

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Things are going so well for me in so many different areas of my life. Big things popping with work, *fingers crossed* and I made the worship team at church!!! YAY ME!!! My youngest graduated from Kindergarten, my oldest is working hard at bringing up her grades. I’m almost done with school, HALLELUJAH! And of course, things are so so great with Double R. The only thing that remains the same is the ex…you’re not shocked, I know…

But I digress…Double R is my heart. People really do not explain how to be a Christian while dating. How do you handle wanting to have sex but NOT having sex??? It’s tough, man. I already broke the no-kissing rule. That went right out the window. My flesh is on fire. I fast, pray, and thank God that he lives far away but shoot, we are going to see each other this month. I have to keep myself in prayer and try to behave myself, seriously. And he’s planning on coming back in July. Just pray for me that I keep it together. Being celibate in a relationship that is so freaking passionate is ROUGH!

I am so afraid of doing the wrong things and having the same outcome as my marriage. I don’t need any demons having their hand at my relationship, no thank you! I want us set on a solid foundation of Christ. He really is a great guy. The level of emotions that is going on between us, it’s amazing. Didn’t have that with my ex nor with the married guy. He really cares for me and my girls. I went to NYC in May for his father’s memorial ceremony and it was a beautiful ceremony and each and every moment that I spent with him was truly wonderful. He took me on a first date where we walked to Little Italy and had dinner in a very nice restaurant and then he took me to see the NJ skyline and it was just……magical.

That is the only word I can use to describe it. Magical.

I waited for years, for someone of his caliber to come into my life. Yes, it is still early in the relationship, but there is just a feeling. That this is right. And I’m not desperate, I didn’t set out to start a relationship. I only went to get re-acquainted with an old family friend.

Our story is amazing.

Someone prophesied over me earlier in the year, and she has been right two out of the three times that she did prophesy over me. So, I think this is the 3rd. In fact, I know it is.

While I was in NYC, I met more of his family, his daughter, (she is a sweetheart) and I met his ex. THANK GOD that they have a good relationship. I wish I could have the same relationship with my ex, but you guys know that is not going to happen for me. Not my fault! I only told one person this, just one person. And she was a stranger. And now I am telling you… I am in love with this man and he is in love with me. Even before we kissed, we just knew. The feeling is so overwhelming.

I’m a pretty logical chick, and the feelings that I am having do not make any sense, but at the same time, they do. I could never understand before how people would say that they knew that they were in love with their significant other at first sight, or after a short amount of time, but now, I can understand. It can happen. And it has happened, to me. To us. And I am so happy. And thankful.

It’s about time.

 

What’s New?!?!

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I’m dating someone. *drops mic*

Yep. Me. I am dating someone and even I am shocked at this revelation. I thought it would never happen. Even though I knew it would eventual, I was still pretty shocked that someone took an interest in me. And took such a strong interest in me at that! You wanna know what the kicker is? I grew up with him. We grew up in the same building when we were kids, right before my mother left and brought me to Florida.

We have been estranged for 33 years. Then I found out that his parents moved to Florida and that his father was dying and I decided to go and see them before he passed. I had no idea that I would be in a relationship two weeks later. His father died, unfortunately. But from his death, birthed something wonderful. And I am so grateful. I thought I would never let anyone get next to me again. I thought the walls would be up forever. But  they just came tumbling down, effortlessly.

We are so much alike. It’s a little scary how alike we are. But he is the sweetest man on earth. And he is very open and honest. I don’t have to force him to open up to me. Only bad thing is that he lives in NYC, but that’s not a deal breaker for me. I will leave everything up to the Lord. If he really wants to be with me, he knows that he would be the one to make that move. Let’s face it. I’m stalemated here in Florida because of the ex. This guy though, we’ll call him Double R, he has a daughter and she is 16. He still has much more freedom than I do.

I already know/knew his parents and his family from when I was little and when I went up to visit his ailing dad, it was a reunion. And when I go and visit NYC, I will re-introduce him to my dad. I think it will be ok. I told my dad and he just laughed. Let’s see, I’ve only told my dad, Mo, and Madie. I am taking my time with telling people because this would be the first time that I have anyone to introduce anyone too! It is a little much for me to handle.

I was confused as what I should refer him as, boyfriend, my baby, my boo, my MAN, like…what???? He was even thinking the same thing. He had been alone for a while and was just waiting for God to send him someone. We connect on so many levels. It’s very nice. And I’m glad that it wasn’t on some social media platform. I had a human connection with someone, face to face.

And I told him about my celibacy and the no kissing rule and he agreed to it all. Another shocker. Most men would run the other way. Especially since they are older and have had sex. They act like they can’t live without it sometimes. Like they’d really die. I ain’t gonna lie, it will be hard to not kiss him. I am so affectionate. And it will be hard to not jump his bones because I do miss sex and being with someone in a physical way, but I do not want to mess up and incur God’s wrath. I made a vow, a sacred promise to do things the right way and my flesh is just going to have to have several seats!

We have no choice but to take things slowly because of the distance. And I think the distance can also be a good thing. It’ll help us gauge the level of respect we have for each other and the determination we have to make this thing work and see where it goes. I mean, a man will move mountains to get to a woman, right? Well, I hope that he is that man and I hope I am that woman.

I love the honeymoon phase. But with the no sex clause, it will force us to connect in another way and on another level. Everyone gets along with the person that they’re having sex with in the beginning. Let’s see what happens when there is NO sex. And no kissing. Because people can get confused and soul-tied through kissing. I’m worth more and so is the man that is in my life. I want to give him a pure version of myself. Someone that is strong and knows who she is and what she wants. Someone that is a true woman of God and not a phony.

He makes me laugh and smile and we compliment each other. I hope he doesn’t get tired of me. I really would like this to work. I don’t want to deal with any rejection and abandonment. I think I have had my fill of that.

The Older You Get, the More Divorce You Encounter

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One of my baby sisters, is about to go through a divorce. And I feel so bad for her.  No real reason why, or rather, the real reason hasn’t reared it’s ugly head yet. And, it is her husband that wants it. They got married young, early 20’s. One child, and both are Christians. He’s a pastor, she’s a First Lady, so you’d expect them to make it, right?! WRONG! They were married for 8 or 9 years. I always figured that if a couple had Jesus in their hearts and are living God’s will, then they should be able to endure anything.

But, then, you forget one tiny nugget of critical information. That people are HUMAN. And FALLIBLE. And God gave each of us our own will and we do what we want with our will, when we want and how we want and etc…She is devastated. She was crying. She said she felt so stupid for even marrying him. I understand how and why she is thinking the way that she is thinking. She is upset and now she has to go through all the different, crappy stages of grief. I just told her that I loved her and that she has to  allow herself to feel all the emotions that are going to pop up in her life.

She wants this divorce over and done quickly. If they both agree and stay civil and cordial, it could happen quickly. But most divorces are long, drawn out battles of unrequited anger and rage towards one another. Love is part of it too, if you can believe it. Except no one wants to admit it. You can’t hate or be angry with someone to that extent unless you love them. Hell, mine is still going on and we’ve been officially divorced since 2014! Go figure! But I digress…

Divorce is so very painful. It takes a huge emotional toll on the mind, a physical toll on the body and an unbelievable toll on the spirit. She is a woman of God, but so was I when I got divorced. My ex-husband wasn’t and still isn’t a Christian, unfortunately. I was so spiritually broken, it weakened me to the point where I got dumb as a rock and decided that having an affair with a married man was going to make everything better again. Yeah…right. But GOD! He brought me back to life and to my right senses after a short while.

I hope she doesn’t suffer as I suffered. I hope she is stronger than I was at that time. I hope that they can divorce without all the struggling and arguing and every other “ing” that divorce brings to the table. And most of all, I pray that the child doesn’t become a pawn in this awful game of hearts. My girls came out of my divorce pretty unscathed. Just a little scathed, not a lot. LOL! I don’t believe they’ll be needing a lot of therapy because of it.

I want to believe that Christians are above divorce. I want to believe that having the love of the Lord so deep down into your soul will make you want to fight harder for your marriage than two secular, worldly people. I mean, does that mean if I get married for the 2nd time, I will have to wonder about divorcing again? We hear all these stories about Christians saving themselves for marriage and going to the counseling and whatnot, but STILL, they go through a divorce at some point in their marriage. And I don’t want to get divorced a second time. I want to know and believe that if I am doing it right before marriage, that this marriage will last for a lifetime.

I have to realize that it is up to both individuals to make the marriage work. If both minds are set to work, if both minds are set to fight and open to communication and if there is still love in their hearts for the other person, I think it can work. I’ll be praying for my little sister to get through this moment, because the rest of her life has already been changed.

Quick update!

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Man, it feels like I haven’t written anything in about a million years! I guess you could or would consider that a good thing, no? I usually only come on here to write when I am angry at the ex. But there have been some moments where I was angry with him but I still didn’t blog about it. Even today, I am not angry about anything, and there is something going on, but God has been so good to me, that I don’t even allow the retardedness that is him, to disrupt my peace anymore.

Sometimes I want to come on here and write about some good things too. I don’t just want it to be about the negative things that I encounter with the ex. I have some moments where I am just bursting at the seams about the goodness of God and I need to share it with the world. For one, I am definitely healed, emotionally. I am no longer the broken Christian heart from 2013. I am scared to read some of my earlier posts because I don’t want to relive the pain, nor do I want to remember how I was at those moments. I was weak, embarrassed, ashamed and so painfully heartbroken back then.

But I can look back and thank God that I went through what I went through, because I am definitely stronger and ready and able to conquer anything that life brings my way. Whether it’s dealing with the ex or any other negative person or thing.

School is coming along very well. There was a moment where I was slacking, but I am picking myself back up. There shouldn’t be any breaks in school. When you have a break, it’s murder getting back on track! And the enemy knew it and sent a lazy spirit after me. Hardest hold to break and I’m still struggling. My schooling on top of the girls’ schooling is a lot of schooling, trust me! But we’re all doing well. And I have 3 more classes and then I finish this June. YAY ME!

Work is still wonderful and church is awesome. I’ve been doing a lot of YouTube watching. I found a really great pastor on there to supplement what I am learning from my actual church. And of course, I am reading some really great books. It’s funny how I thought I didn’t have a life because I was not going out to clubs and dancing and living the Sex and the City life that I assumed other people were doing. Puh-lease, I do more before 6am than darn near a lot of people! LOL!!!

And I am now cherishing my time alone when the girls are with the ex. I am able to focus on me and reset myself. And honey, if I don’t want to do nothing, that’s exactly what I do. NOTHING! And I sleep where I want, when I want. And without any shame. 2017 is bringing some new-ness to my life and I’m happy. Still no boyfriend, but I’m not looking, so what do you expect? God will bring him when the time is right. I think the time will be right after I graduate. I don’t need the added distraction. If I can’t focus sometimes because of the girls, imagine if I had a man?

I’d be getting pulled in three different directions, constantly! Sometimes the thought of having a boyfriend is actually more fun than having one. And I can continue to build a relationship with the Lord while I am single. Once I am courting and married, God is not going to be my main and sole focus. So, I need to get my personal relationship with Him even stronger so I don’t put God in the background when he comes.

I have these moments where I think about closing my blog, but I think that my words help people sometimes when they read about my past pain. When they realize that there is an end out of that painful divorce tunnel. To think, that the sun actually shined again? To believe in love and hope again? To really understand that the tears will stop falling? And to understand fully that God is there with you through it all? It’s an amazing, eye-opening experience. Who knew? I know who knew…everyone that had ever experienced heartbreak. But we all have to go through our devastation in our own time and way before we experience the breakthrough from the heartbreak!

Whelp! Here’s a little update regarding the ex. He’s still a jerk. Are you shocked? LOL! And he’s taking me back to court because he is trying to get out of one of his responsibilities and decided that he’s had enough! LMBOOOOOO!!!! So, we’re going to court, this time with LAWYERS! So, he’s really wasting both our time and money. I don’t know when we’re going to court, but it’s coming soon. He just served me the other night. I’ll let you know what the outcome is. Just know that there will be no sad hearts involved!!! Ciao!

Merry Christmas!!!

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My ex is still a merry jerk, his mistletoe mistress is still a ho, ho, ho and they can both take a nice sleigh ride off a short roof! Lmbooooo! But overall, I had a great Christmas. Saw my kids for a few hours and I’m counting down until I get them back. Holidays suck, but you can and will get through it! Merry Christmas everyone!

Joy to my soul!!! La-la-la-la…

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It’s been a little while since I have last written. There’s nothing to report except that God is good and Jesus Christ is King! LOL!!! Honestly, the girls and I are doing so well. They are loving school and life and so am I. I’m just waiting for the year to end and the new to begin!

I’m making a lot of new changes in my life, spiritually and personally. I’m growing stronger in Christ and I’m growing stronger in who I am as a human being. Likes, dislikes, things I am willing to put up with, things that I will never put up with. People are being added and subtracted from my life, like algebra! It’s both good and bad. There are some people that I would love to keep in my life, but they can’t go where God is leading me. And some people I want to keep, but, having them in my life also brings me sadness. So, these are super hard decisions, you know?

Boundaries are being enforced and strengthened, and irrevocable. Those are mainly for the ex. I swear, for someone that is allegedly so happy in his new life without me, he sure is a miserable, old grump. Never seen someone so miserable. Especially because I don’t bother him…EVER! If I had a new baby and a new man, trust and believe, boo-boo, nothing the ex could do, would get under my skin. But the Lord is good and I give my ex up completely to the Lord to deal with.

I was out with the girls the other day, getting their Christmas pictures taken, and I was looking around at all the families and I found myself getting a little sad that we were the only family without a daddy to take pictures with. And it happens, that feeling comes every so often around the holidays. But, I managed to pray past it, and the feeling left. This is just a temporary season, that’s all. I’m in no rush. God has the one for me, and he’ll show up when the time is right.

Until then, I will remain content in my single season.

Work is still delightful, and school is still going strong. I am a little tired of utilizing my brain in all these different capacities, but I got to persevere through. At the end of it all, I will be grateful and happy and the blessings from my obedience will be many.

There is joy in my life. Real, pure and powerful joy. How do I know? Because this morning, the ex tried to get at me, and I was okay. I mean, I rolled my eyes at the emails, but my spirit was at peace, while answering him. And I know he is going to respond with some bs, but I will still be at peace. I prayed for him after I emailed the first time. I said out loud, “I forgive you, Ex.” And I will continue to do this. Hurt people, hurt people. And it’s obvious that my ex is hurt. From what exactly, I have no clue. But, the phrase still rings true. Hurt people, hurt people. So I am trying to love on him as the Lord tells us we should. Is it easy? Heck to the nah. But, every time I pray for him, it gets a little easier. I would hope that he would have calmed down with the anger by now, but he hasn’t. Obviously, he has some things that he has to work within himself before he can be at my level. We really could have a cordial relationship, he just has to stop with the disrespect. That’s all that’s required from him.

Someone told me last night, that he may have moved on in deed, but not emotionally. I was like, WHOA! I thought that having a baby and asking someone else to marry you was moving on emotionally. Needless to say, I got schooled. I pray he receives Christ into his heart. That’s the only thing/person I know that can save him. That can make him whole again, that can calm the seas that are raging on the inside of him. Only Christ can fill that void in his heart, his spirit, his soul. Only Christ can give him the love that he is so desperately desiring. I’ll just continue to pray for him.

Did I tell you guys that I tried out for the worship team? I didn’t, did I?! Well, I did! And I completely messed up the first song, but I do believe that I killed the second audition song. Hopefully, I will hear something back from them soon. The audition was on the 1st, and they said that they will contact people within 1 or 2 weeks, so we’ll see. I leave it to God. If I didn’t make it this time, I will try out again. I’ll just practice harder and now that I really know the process, it’ll be easier for me. I hope…lmboooooo! At least I had them laughing. Maybe they can give me a mic and I can be in the background, just laughing in tune and rhythm…LOL!!!! Ha! I’m stoopid!

I’m outtie 5000, G!!!!! (That means goodbye and have a pleasant day to all… :-))

No husband blues

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My oldest daughter asked me when I was going to find a husband and get married again. Enter the sigh…SIGH…I asked her why she wanted to know. She said that sometimes she sees me looking lonely. I don’t know when she sees me looking lonely or if she’s confusing lonely for tired. Either way, she asked and since she asked me, it has yet to leave my thoughts.

But I told her that I am waiting for God to send me a good man, the right man, a Godly man into my, OUR, lives. I told her that I didn’t want to choose someone that would be here in the house with us, but mistreating us and causing us more chaos and stress than love and happiness. She said she wants me to marry a good man that will play with them and take them to church and be good husband to me and a good daddy to them.

I want to give her this. I want it for both of them. I want it for myself! But I don’t want to rush into anything just because I’m lonely. It’s the holiday season. Hell, I start feeling the loneliness creeping in around my birthday in September because I know I’ll be celebrating my birthday alone and then when October comes, it’s a reminder that he left before my last child’s 1st birthday. And November is disappointing because it’s my oldest daughter’s birthday and Thanksgiving holiday, the time that is spent with family and loved ones.

And then December pops its head out and reminds me the the jolly wonderful, family time of the year, Christmas! When I give gifts and receive none. Did I ever tell you guys that Christmas is my favorite time of the year after my birthday? Christmas never gets old to me. I have a thing with the girls when I bake cookies and we watch the Christmas story and we just chill…until their father comes to get them for his time….enter sigh.

And Christmas just kills my spirit, just a little bit, every year that I am alone or without a romantic partner to share it with. But let’s not forget NEW YEARS EVE! The time set aside for leaving the old behind and starting fresh with the new. Except for me, there seems to never be any fresh. Only old hurts, pains, memories and blahs…and they aren’t new to me anymore. I try to leave them behind in the last year, but they never entirely go away. And I still pray. I still read my Bible. And I am staying busy, having a life and making sure that my girls have a life as well.

But it still just sucks.

Sucks to be alone, sucks that my kid compares what she sees in her father’s house to mine. She probably sees them all laughing and happy and kissing and doing things together as a family and is wondering why the heck it isn’t happening in my home. Too bad she doesn’t remember that it was happening in our home until her father decided I wasn’t enough for him. Sometimes he calls and I hear his voice and he sounds so sad, for whatever the reason and I wanna believe that he may be unhappy, but I know that he is not. And even if he was unhappy, so what? Who cares? Would I really want him back after all of the BS that he put me, US through?! He’s not the same man I knew before. That man is dead. His girlfriend can keep this new dude. He’s not my style.

It feels like I want to cry just writing this. It feels like I want to cry even when I am just doing nothing. But I don’t cry. I just think and ponder. Pray and hope. And I put my faith in the Lord and try to keep it moving and not dwell.  I’m not entirely lonely. I have the Lord and I feel Him in my life. It’s just that I am without human touch and love. I wonder if I have to continue to stay in this single season until I don’t even worry about those things. I mean, the celibacy has been going just fine. I am not feeling sexually frustrated or anything like that. It’s just my heart and mind that is still playing tricks on me.

I guess I just had to vent. There’s always a sadness in my heart around this time of the year. But like every year, I get over it and past it. And every year, I get stronger and the pain lessens and lessens. I guess I’m just one of those people that needs a while to recover from heartbreak. Hey, better to recover and heal than to bring baggage and heartbreak to someone else.

I’m in good hands though. God’s hands.