It’s so frustrating to hear from people when you are going through a divorce, for you to be the bigger person. To always hear, turn the other cheek. To hear, that you have to kill them with kindness. Love your enemies, forgive those that hurt you. Why? Because I’m a Christian I should allow the person causing the greatest misery and hurt in my life permission to continue to bully me? And then when you finally do stand up for yourself, you start to hear, think of the kids. This will hurt the kids. Well, what about when the other person was doing whatever it was to hurt you AND the kids? What were you saying to them? What advice or should I say, shame did you bring on them? And did it work? Obviously not, because they are still up to their same evil, nasty tactics. That other person doesn’t give two cares about you, only themselves. And you are supposed to give into a grown person’s temper tantrums? No. I cannot and will not. Even though I am a Christian, I am also a human being with overwhelming feelings of hurt, anger and pain. And I cannot just “get over” it. I cannot just “let go and let God” all the time. I pray constantly, CONSTANTLY, for healing and it’s not coming to me in one lump sum as I would have liked. It’s coming to me piece by piece. Little by little. And it looks as if healing only comes every time I have to deal with some retarded situation that my soon to be ex-husband put us in. it’s just not fair. Why do I have to be the bigger person in each and every situation? Why are people allowing him the excuse of being an asshole and I have to do the right thing? I am not Jesus. I have a limit. I am trying to be Christ-like, but I am very much human. And I don’t want to be bullied any longer. I don’t want to turn the other cheek each and every time he wants to play the victim and treat me like crap. He once asked me, “do you think what you’re doing is right?” and I looked at my phone and I asked him, “well, do you think what YOU are doing to us and have been doing to us these last 2 years is right?” The man couldn’t even answer, and when he did, he couldn’t answer by himself. He had to put some blame on me. He never could stand up by himself or take a fall by himself. He always plays the martyr. He never sees that his actions have reactions or i.e. consequences. And when he finally does get in trouble, it’s never because of anything that he did; only what someone else did. I am tired, tired, tired of being the bigger person. We are supposed to be able to separate what we feel and are dealing with as adults from the children, but then, he still tries to hurt ME by not providing financially for his kids! And in his own words, he has told me that he’s not hurting the kids if he doesn’t give me money. Well, if you put your wife in more financial stress, what do you think is going to happen? Me not being able to provide for the kids is hurting your kids. But, again, I am supposed to turn the other cheek. I ran out of cheeks a long time ago. And I have felt jilted throughout this whole divorce situation. And to top it off, he is having a seemingly grand ole time taking care of his live-in slut, er, girlfriend, and her child. And he does not see the hypocrisy in none of it. He’s really quite alright taking care of another person’s child and not his own DNA. So, other than prayer, how am I supposed to react to someone whom I had total love and trust and faith in, doing a complete 180 and turning against me? How do I react to someone just treating me like I’m the enemy? Every time I tried to kill him with kindness or come at him with love, I was shot down faster than I don’t know what. When I tried to read him scripture, the enemy within him just held on tighter. I keep praying for change within me. I keep asking God for less of me and more of Him, but I am still human. And I have feelings. And this person, the enemy just keeps using and keeping him on a tight leash in order to puppeteer him into hurting me. And I understand all of this, but it nonetheless continues to hurt me regardless of the amount of prayer I do. I pray hard, I pray every day, I never stop praying. So why is God still allowing me to get hurt by this man, and why is God still allowing me to feel the hurt if I am always praying for healing? I love the Lord, I trust in the Lord, but I need something more then turn the other cheek. Because I am getting weaker and weaker and I just want this to be over with. I don’t know when God is going to give me strength, but I need more of it. I need something drastic to happen because I can no longer continue to turn the other cheek. I need the kind of vengeance that God rained on Sodom and Gomorrah. I don’t want to wait for God to take of my ex-husband in His time. I need something to happen now so I can know and see that God is actually listening and working. All this waiting is heartbreaking. It feels like while I am “patiently” waiting, my ex-husband is just living it up and partying and spending money on everyone else except his real family. The hypocrisy of it all is just too, too much.
I thought that when you become a Christian, and when you pray, God hears you and answers your hearts desires. I thought that I could pray my marriage back together. I thought that I could pray my husband to change and return back to the family that he abandoned. I really thought that I could pray and that was all that I had to do in order to turn the hands of time back around and have my family reconciled. But my prayers were never answered, or rather, I should say, they were never answered in the way that I wanted them to be answered. I wanted my old life back, I wanted my husband back, I wanted my family whole again, and because God was insistent on not answering, it all just became so completely frustrating and confusing. Confusing because this man, that I had been with since I was 17 years old, this person that I had shared 50% of my life with, this someone with whom I had two kids with, just up and decided to make me a single mother. Frustrating because as he was leaving, he was crying and saying how sad he was, how this isn’t what he wants, how he missed his family YET, continued right on out the door. Initially, I thought he just needed some time to himself and that he would come back around and realize all that he was gaining to lose, but not knowing that he was leaving because he thought he saw greener grass on the other side of the fence. And here I am, like the good little Christian wife, praying and praying and fasting and sending him bible scriptures and thinking, it’s just a matter of time until God hears my prayers and answers them. Just a matter of time until God opens his eyes and his heart to see the error in his ways and help lead my ex back to his real family, his real home. But nope, God didn’t do any of that. It seemed at the time that God just stood there to the side and let it happen. He heard all my screaming, saw all my tears, recorded all my prayers and just watched me from afar. Now, how am I supposed to handle all this rejection? The earthly rejection from my husband, and the rejection from my heavenly Father??? And that’s exactly what it felt like, rejection. Total, utterly colossal rejection. And I couldn’t decide which one hurt worse. Couldn’t decide which one hit me hardest. And to tell you the truth, I still can’t tell sometimes. I know that is just my flesh speaking, but it is my flesh and my spirit that is still healing from all this pain. The main point of this blog is to share my experience dealing with divorce as a Christian woman to others. I know there are others out there that feel the same way I do, confused, hurt, frustrated and wondering, where is/was God when I was praying and asking for help? This is just an outlet though to share thoughts and feelings, cause I definitely don’t have the answers. But one day, God will give the answers to me….I hope. I pray, because I still have no clue what happened that made my life turn left when all I wanted was to go right.