I thought that when you become a Christian, and when you pray, God hears you and answers your hearts desires. I thought that I could pray my marriage back together. I thought that I could pray my husband to change and return back to the family that he abandoned. I really thought that I could pray and that was all that I had to do in order to turn the hands of time back around and have my family reconciled. But my prayers were never answered, or rather, I should say, they were never answered in the way that I wanted them to be answered. I wanted my old life back, I wanted my husband back, I wanted my family whole again, and because God was insistent on not answering, it all just became so completely frustrating and confusing. Confusing because this man, that I had been with since I was 17 years old, this person that I had shared 50% of my life with, this someone with whom I had two kids with, just up and decided to make me a single mother. Frustrating because as he was leaving, he was crying and saying how sad he was, how this isn’t what he wants, how he missed his family YET, continued right on out the door. Initially, I thought he just needed some time to himself and that he would come back around and realize all that he was gaining to lose, but not knowing that he was leaving because he thought he saw greener grass on the other side of the fence. And here I am, like the good little Christian wife, praying and praying and fasting and sending him bible scriptures and thinking, it’s just a matter of time until God hears my prayers and answers them. Just a matter of time until God opens his eyes and his heart to see the error in his ways and help lead my ex back to his real family, his real home. But nope, God didn’t do any of that. It seemed at the time that God just stood there to the side and let it happen. He heard all my screaming, saw all my tears, recorded all my prayers and just watched me from afar. Now, how am I supposed to handle all this rejection? The earthly rejection from my husband, and the rejection from my heavenly Father??? And that’s exactly what it felt like, rejection. Total, utterly colossal rejection. And I couldn’t decide which one hurt worse. Couldn’t decide which one hit me hardest. And to tell you the truth, I still can’t tell sometimes. I know that is just my flesh speaking, but it is my flesh and my spirit that is still healing from all this pain. The main point of this blog is to share my experience dealing with divorce as a Christian woman to others. I know there are others out there that feel the same way I do, confused, hurt, frustrated and wondering, where is/was God when I was praying and asking for help? This is just an outlet though to share thoughts and feelings, cause I definitely don’t have the answers. But one day, God will give the answers to me….I hope. I pray, because I still have no clue what happened that made my life turn left when all I wanted was to go right.

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