I am emotionally exhausted. I have no reserves. Everything I had, has been depleted. So, how do I fill it back up? I thought all I needed was Jesus and prayer and all that, but I realized, I need something more. And not just something, but someone. I need another human being to love me, be there for me and stand by me, day and night, helping me to fight the good fight. Now I realize why people run into another relationship when they are going through a divorce. Cause you feel so lonely, so afraid, so helpless and angry and all those other emotions that come with a breakup and usually that other person that they are with is a sort of buffer for your emotions. You get instant joy and happiness from being with them. You technically have your own private cheerleader. Sure, I have friends, family and church folk that are praying for me, that love me and are there for me, but there is nothing like having someone that is just for you in your corner. I always said, if I get divorced, I would stay by myself and work on myself and blah blah blah…but now, all I think about is having someone just for me. Someone to love me, go on outings with, help me with my girls, just someone to be a family with. Someone to share laughs, someone to share pain, someone to wake up with….I would just like SOMEONE only for me. I pray and I am comforted for a moment by the thought of Jesus healing my heart and helping me to get through my storm, but it’s so fleeting. I’m human…and I want a shoulder to cry on. I want someone to be silly with. I want someone that wants/needs to take care of me and that I can take care of them as well. I want a reciprocated love. I want a hug. I want to go on family trips and just have those one on one romantic moments. Where is my someone? And is it a fault that I can’t solely rely on the love of Jesus to get through this madness? Can anyone understand that a flesh and blood human needs the love of another flesh and blood human? Is it my fault that I’m not finding someone because I don’t frequent the dating websites or bars and clubs and go on the hunt? What is this hell that divorce has created???? I am so sick of it. Sick of having to deal with a STBX that won’t leave me the hell alone or just simply keep his word to pay his child support without arguing and trying to be slick and get out of it. Sick of wanting to be loved and not being able to give my love to someone like I would like nor be loved the way that I would like. Sick of being sick and tired and of all these emotions that attach itself onto my soul like a damn virus without a cure. WHY?! WHY do I have to go through this? What did I do so badly as a wife that I have to go through this shit?! And why, if I am so damn beautiful (and I am…lol) why is it so hard for me to find someone that wants to be with me? I wish I could just detach my heart and my spirit so I could go around completely apathetic. I don’t want to feel shit anymore. I have fleeting moments of peace and joy and then it gets overwhelmed by my pain and hurt. No matter how much prayer I do, I can’t keep the charade up. The mask/wall is starting to crumble. And I don’t want to be bitter or angry at the end of this storm. Where’s the emotional gas station where I can fill up? Drugs? Alcohol? Random men? I don’t know what to say or do anymore. What is going to fill me back up and make me the person I once was before the madness began? Can or will she ever come back again? Sometimes, I find myself not wanting to believe in joy, peace or happiness or even love sometimes. And I don’t want to be that way. Yet…..
There is agony in not having someone just for you. How am I supposed to heal and get past the hurt and pain if I am completely and totally alone? I know that I have God in my life, I know. But how about a human being to hold me? Kiss me? Hug me? Hold my hand? Truly love me? Raise and love my children? I would like both God and a flesh and blood man, if you don’t mind. I just feel so lonely. Time heals all wounds, right? Well, to me, time seems to only stand still. And I hear all the time that God is preparing my Boaz and I just have to wait on God, and yadda, yadda, yadda. Sigh…….I don’t even know if God is listening anymore. He didn’t reconcile my marriage and I have been praying for healing and nothing seems to be coming through. And why should I believe that this divorce is going to be used by God to open up doors for me when it seems like the doors I want opened constantly get shut in my face and locked up tight? Faith is a mutha….God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) right? I’m starting to wonder why, if God hates divorce, would He then use it to bless me in other ways? Isn’t that an oxymoron? Even a bit hypocritical? He’s going to take the very thing that He supposedly loathes and turn in into my good? Why? I don’t get it. Couldn’t He bless me more by keeping my family whole, happy and complete? Was God even talking about human divorce or the divorce that happens between a person losing his faith and belief in God? Let’s be real, when a person has lost their faith in God, that is technically a divorce. I like to think of myself as a hopeless romantic despite the divorce that I am going through. It just feels as though I am sometimes losing the fight between optimism and hopelessness. I don’t want to be a jaded, bitter woman. I don’t want to go to another relationship with baggage. But I would like a relationship at least. Someone to call my very own. Someone to share the holidays with, to go out with me and my girls, someone to create memories with. But again, all in due time. All in God’s time. Yadda, yadda, yadda……
Divorce is a muthafocka. It makes you feel all sorts of ways, good(shocking!), bad and indifferent. And if can turn you into someone you never thought you could be if you let it take control over you. I had to see my STBX recently when he dropped off the girls at my house. And he asked a simple question on whether or not the girls would be in a play at church and if so, would I be so kind as to let him know the performance date. When he asked, my face contorted in such a way, that I think it actually made him sad to know that I had such a look of disgust on my face when he asked about coming to the play. But I could not help it. So I just slowly nodded my head when he asked and silently replied, “hell fuck nah!” I want nothing and I do mean NOTHING to do with him whatsoever. I don’t want him at my church. I don’t want him participating in any activities the children are in. I just want him invisible and gone. And it didn’t have to be this way. But for the past two years, he has made my life unbearable. Completely complicated and miserable and all for the sake of his selfishness. So no, I don’t want to be the good Christian and invite you to my church. I need a refuge away from him. And I don’t need him to mess up any more precious moments in our lives with the appearance of him and his girlfriend. If he wants to attend a church, go find another one! This one’s taken, biatch!!! I don’t even want to put the girls in a dance class or anything like that because I vomit at the thought of his involvement. I have never hated anyone in my entire life, and it is so sad that I have gotten to this point with him. And even when he left, I still loved and cared about him, but like I said, his maliciousness never ceased and so my heart and mind started to change how I felt towards him. And now I am to the point where the thought of him, the sight of him, just the mention of his name or seeing his name makes me prickle like a cactus. I am trying my damndest not to allow bitterness to seep into my spirit and heart and take root, but it is hard. Super hard. And I know that I have to put personal feelings to the side and think about the kids, but hell! The kids don’t have to put up with his bullshit. I do. He is Disneyland to them and to me he is the seventh dimension of the REALM OF ETERNAL DAMNATION! But I digress….
I recently saw with my own two eyes, that my soon to be ex-husband re-activated his Facebook account. This stunned me because he had deactivated it a little before he abandoned his family in late 2011. How did I find out? He and I have friends in common on Facebook, one being his sister and he tagged her in a few photos; this is how I happened to find out. Why do I bring it up? Because he posted a few pictures of him with our kids and a few other family members and it will only be a matter of time before he starts to post pictures of him and his girlfriend. The girl he left his family to be with and to support her and her child. And it got me feeling a ways that I can’t quite explain. I have known since last year that he had this chick, and I have known since earlier this year that they have been living together, so why is it bothering me? Because I am still hurting and quite painfully to be exact. The healing is coming slow. At a painfully, slow pace. Slower than a turtle. Since he’s left, he hasn’t shown our mutual friends his new slut puppy. And now, he’ll be parading her in front of them and I don’t know how to act, react, think, feel, or if I even should have any kind of reaction/thought at all; be it positive or negative. But the one thing I keep thinking is, why Lord? Why can’t I separate some things in my life without having him included? I have such peace when I have no interactions with him. And I had peace on Facebook without his presence. Now, I’ll be assuming he may tag people that we are friends with just to piss me off so I’ll see his pictures or I’ll be assuming that he’s back on just to spy on me and see what I’m doing and WHO I’m doing it with. That’s funny, if he even gave a rat’s butt considering he had someone on the side for a while now and all of a sudden he’s going completely public with her. Why concern yourself with who I am seeing, you know? She, on the other hand, has tons of pictures of them together on her Facebook page. No shame whatsoever in the fact that she’s living with a married man. Is there no shame in the world today? Has everyone just turned off their morals meter? I’m definitely no saint, but there’s a limit to what you should boast about. Like I’ve said before, I pray constantly for healing and strength; and I guess this is just one more thing to pray to the Lord about. And as I got on my knees to pray, I just could not get the words out. I knew what I wanted to pray about, but my voice, my mouth just would not cooperate. So I just prayed to the Holy Spirit to hear my thoughts, my words, my heart and send them up to God. Cause this divorce drama just took another turn and I have to hang on to this ride for dear life. And now I’m facing the question of whether or not I will be afraid to log on to Facebook with the fear that I’ll see his name pop up in some sort of manner. And will I have to unfriend some people in order to keep some privacy and peace for myself? Man, no one tells you that there is cyber divorce when it comes to actual divorce. I just want peace. I just want joy. I just want calm. And I will keep asking the Lord for it. I still don’t get why I have to go through storms to get it. But I will keep asking for it.