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Divorce is a muthafocka. It makes you feel all sorts of ways, good(shocking!), bad and indifferent. And if can turn you into someone you never thought you could be if you let it take control over you. I had to see my STBX recently when he dropped off the girls at my house. And he asked a simple question on whether or not the girls would be in a play at church and if so, would I be so kind as to let him know the performance date. When he asked, my face contorted in such a way, that I think it actually made him sad to know that I had such a look of disgust on my face when he asked about coming to the play. But I could not help it. So I just slowly nodded my head when he asked and silently replied, “hell fuck nah!” I want nothing and I do mean NOTHING to do with him whatsoever. I don’t want him at my church. I don’t want him participating in any activities the children are in. I just want him invisible and gone. And it didn’t have to be this way. But for the past two years, he has made my life unbearable. Completely complicated and miserable and all for the sake of his selfishness. So no, I don’t want to be the good Christian and invite you to my church. I need a refuge away from him. And I don’t need him to mess up any more precious moments in our lives with the appearance of him and his girlfriend. If he wants to attend a church, go find another one! This one’s taken, biatch!!! I don’t even want to put the girls in a dance class or anything like that because I vomit at the thought of his involvement. I have never hated anyone in my entire life, and it is so sad that I have gotten to this point with him. And even when he left, I still loved and cared about him, but like I said, his maliciousness never ceased and so my heart and mind started to change how I felt towards him. And now I am to the point where the thought of him, the sight of him, just the mention of his name or seeing his name makes me prickle like a cactus. I am trying my damndest not to allow bitterness to seep into my spirit and heart and take root, but it is hard. Super hard. And I know that I have to put personal feelings to the side and think about the kids, but hell! The kids don’t have to put up with his bullshit. I do. He is Disneyland to them and to me he is the seventh dimension of the REALM OF ETERNAL DAMNATION! But I digress…. 

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