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There is agony in not having someone just for you. How am I supposed to heal and get past the hurt and pain if I am completely and totally alone? I know that I have God in my life, I know. But how about a human being to hold me? Kiss me? Hug me? Hold my hand? Truly love me? Raise and love my children? I would like both God and a flesh and blood man, if you don’t mind. I just feel so lonely. Time heals all wounds, right? Well, to me, time seems to only stand still. And I hear all the time that God is preparing my Boaz and I just have to wait on God, and yadda, yadda, yadda. Sigh…….I don’t even know if God is listening anymore. He didn’t reconcile my marriage and I have been praying for healing and nothing seems to be coming through. And why should I believe that this divorce is going to be used by God to open up doors for me when it seems like the doors I want opened constantly get shut in my face and locked up tight? Faith is a mutha….God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) right? I’m starting to wonder why, if God hates divorce, would He then use it to bless me in other ways? Isn’t that an oxymoron? Even a bit hypocritical? He’s going to take the very thing that He supposedly loathes and turn in into my good? Why? I don’t get it. Couldn’t He bless me more by keeping my family whole, happy and complete? Was God even talking about human divorce or the divorce that happens between a person losing his faith and belief in God? Let’s be real, when a person has lost their faith in God, that is technically a divorce. I like to think of myself as a hopeless romantic despite the divorce that I am going through. It just feels as though I am sometimes losing the fight between optimism and hopelessness. I don’t want to be a jaded, bitter woman. I don’t want to go to another relationship with baggage. But I would like a relationship at least. Someone to call my very own. Someone to share the holidays with, to go out with me and my girls, someone to create memories with. But again, all in due time. All in God’s time. Yadda, yadda, yadda……

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