I am emotionally exhausted. I have no reserves. Everything I had, has been depleted. So, how do I fill it back up? I thought all I needed was Jesus and prayer and all that, but I realized, I need something more. And not just something, but someone. I need another human being to love me, be there for me and stand by me, day and night, helping me to fight the good fight. Now I realize why people run into another relationship when they are going through a divorce. Cause you feel so lonely, so afraid, so helpless and angry and all those other emotions that come with a breakup and usually that other person that they are with is a sort of buffer for your emotions. You get instant joy and happiness from being with them. You technically have your own private cheerleader. Sure, I have friends, family and church folk that are praying for me, that love me and are there for me, but there is nothing like having someone that is just for you in your corner. I always said, if I get divorced, I would stay by myself and work on myself and blah blah blah…but now, all I think about is having someone just for me. Someone to love me, go on outings with, help me with my girls, just someone to be a family with. Someone to share laughs, someone to share pain, someone to wake up with….I would just like SOMEONE only for me. I pray and I am comforted for a moment by the thought of Jesus healing my heart and helping me to get through my storm, but it’s so fleeting. I’m human…and I want a shoulder to cry on. I want someone to be silly with. I want someone that wants/needs to take care of me and that I can take care of them as well. I want a reciprocated love. I want a hug. I want to go on family trips and just have those one on one romantic moments. Where is my someone? And is it a fault that I can’t solely rely on the love of Jesus to get through this madness? Can anyone understand that a flesh and blood human needs the love of another flesh and blood human? Is it my fault that I’m not finding someone because I don’t frequent the dating websites or bars and clubs and go on the hunt? What is this hell that divorce has created???? I am so sick of it. Sick of having to deal with a STBX that won’t leave me the hell alone or just simply keep his word to pay his child support without arguing and trying to be slick and get out of it. Sick of wanting to be loved and not being able to give my love to someone like I would like nor be loved the way that I would like. Sick of being sick and tired and of all these emotions that attach itself onto my soul like a damn virus without a cure. WHY?! WHY do I have to go through this? What did I do so badly as a wife that I have to go through this shit?! And why, if I am so damn beautiful (and I am…lol) why is it so hard for me to find someone that wants to be with me? I wish I could just detach my heart and my spirit so I could go around completely apathetic. I don’t want to feel shit anymore. I have fleeting moments of peace and joy and then it gets overwhelmed by my pain and hurt. No matter how much prayer I do, I can’t keep the charade up. The mask/wall is starting to crumble. And I don’t want to be bitter or angry at the end of this storm. Where’s the emotional gas station where I can fill up? Drugs? Alcohol? Random men? I don’t know what to say or do anymore. What is going to fill me back up and make me the person I once was before the madness began? Can or will she ever come back again? Sometimes, I find myself not wanting to believe in joy, peace or happiness or even love sometimes. And I don’t want to be that way. Yet…..

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