For a fleeting moment, I felt like I was in a real relationship. For a week, I was your number one girl, your only girl. And for a week, I was the only one that held your attention, captivated your soul and stole your heart. And now, it’s over. Clearly it’s over because we must go right back to the harsh realities of reality. But even with my rose colored glasses, tucked firmly behind my ears, I had the best time. I believed the fairy-tale, and held the lie as close to my heart as I could get it. It was the best and worst way to end the year. It came to an end, but will live forever in my memory.
Just switch the “her” with “him” and this is my feelings and my life….
I wonder a lot about what the new year has in store for me. And whom does it have in store for me? Will I be reliving the same nightmare? Of course not, I have the final court date for my divorce in February. Will I finally be able to travel outside of the country like I would like? And will I find someone just for me, or will it be another solitary year alone, wishing, hoping and aching for my special love? And will there be peace in this middle east warlike relationship that has developed with my STBX? Or will the new year bring back his humanity? Hell, even the Grinch’s heart even grew back once he finally saw the light and stopped being selfish. Maybe I’m aiming my hopes up too far high when it comes to him. Even when it comes to me and finding a love all of my own. Wishful thinking…silly hoping…fickle faith. I see people get divorced and are happy in other relationships and even eventually in other marriages. Am I silly for having wanted to only been married once and live that happily forever after with one person? Ah, it doesn’t matter. The new year will bring what it brings. And I am still going to be hopeful, and faithful that it will be filled with favor and blessings for me and my girls.
Tomorrow is Christmas………and I don’t think the STBX is going to give me any problems. I think he is tired of fighting. I think, you never know when it comes to him. Sometimes he takes a sabbatical from being an asshole and then he comes back full force. Yet, I am a tad bit, and I do mean a small, tad bit optimistic that he will be on his best behavior until the new year. We recently had a disagreement on something and he didn’t get all out of hand and ignorant like he normally does. And I had already prepared myself to hold my resolve and remain calm no matter what he said to me, or any negative names he happened to call me. I just stood my ground and assumed the message got through to him finally. I don’t want to put my hopes into that too much because there are moments when I think the message should have sunk into his big head and I get supremely disappointed. But tonight, I am going to chill with my diva gremlins, watch a Christmas Story and make cookies for Santa. I may not have a husband and the girls are missing a father, but, even still, everything for tonight is perfect…..
I went to my youngest child’s Christmas performance and the STBX was there. He had asked the night before if she would be participating and I really wasn’t quite sure if I would allow her to perform, seeing how he would want to come and see her perform. But I straight up told him, if you are coming by yourself, then it’s not a problem. But if you try to bring your slut, then hell no. I’d rather keep the kids from any extracurricular activities than for him to bring that slut of a whore into my world. He really tried to turn it around on me, stating, “you would really prevent her from performing if I didn’t come alone?” I said “hell yeah. And there better not be any surprise pop-ups neither.” He said, “smh…that’s a shame.” I replied, “sure is.” Why the hell this man still believes that we should be friends after he abandons his family for some slut monkey is beyond me. How he just disregards my feelings and pretends like I am overreacting to this whole abandonment of the family and divorce situation. Who, and tell me WHO, would be happy to know that in the middle of trying and hoping to save their marriage, their spouse just gives up and then you find out he is seeing and WAS seeing this vagina carousal of a woman while married and then just be okay with being treated so badly? Disrespected on a daily basis, embarassed, lied to constantly, and ignored…. And he actually has the nerve to say “smh” because I hold him responsible for his actions towards this family that he abandoned with absolutely no regard. YES!!!!! That is the kind of friend that I need in my life. That is the kind of friend poems are written about. COME! Be my friend and bring the slut of Armageddon (his gf) with you, by all means. I don’t talk to him anymore and I don’t look at him either. And if he thinks that I am being a baby, then whatever to you, sir. I will be a baby until God heals my soul and heart completely. The STBX wants me to be okay only for his own selfish reasons. If I feel better about the whole situation, then he feels justified and off the hook for being a nasty, dirty monkey-ass dog. Sorry, I’m not going to heal and be all right for a long time. This divorce wasn’t and still isn’t mutual. I’m just going along with it because I have no choice and because I would rather get rid of you than to continue dealing with the horrendous monster that he has become.
So, we sat in the same room far apart and didn’t speak and pretended not to look at each other with stolen glances. Pretended that the other didn’t exist. Only in my case, my husband (the real one that I used to know) wasn’t there. Only the monster was there, acting like he was a normal person. Like he has treated me decent (NEGATIVE) and hadn’t just called me a bitch the day before Thanksgiving without provocation. But, I was there to support my baby. And I was glad I did. And even though I still don’t want a divorce, I definitely don’t want to be tied to a monster such as he. Someone whose selfish nature is greater than anything else in his life, even the love of his own kids. One day I will be healed and I won’t care and he’ll be a shadow in the memory section of my brain. And I will fill the void that he created with the man that God will send to me. I can wait. And as long as the monster leaves me the hell alone, I’ll be okay.
My prayers are constantly about healing and his salvation and letting go and letting God. Hopefully God answers my prayers and gives this man a super promotion in another state. I’m just saying, that kind of blessing is just the kind I need. He’d be far away and my child support payments will go up! WIN-WIN!!! If he would just treat me like a human being and respect me as the mother of his children, I wouldn’t wish him off to another state. But as it is, he’s turned into a major asshole and there’s no scripture in the Bible for turning assholes back into a human with a heart. But when I deal with him, I always remember Jeremiah 17:9 “the heart is deceitful above all things, and is desperately sick; who can understand it?” I wish I could have seen how black his heart was going to get a few years back. I would’ve hauled ass in the other direction…..
Things have been well the last couple of weeks, thank the LORD! I’m still feeling lonely from time to time, but with all the praying that I have been doing, I think God has strengthened my resolve to get through the rest of the holidays. That week of Thanksgiving was really rough. And with all the madness of the season, I think I’m much too distracted to focus on the loneliness like I could before. But it’s cool. And as long as I don’t see the STBX or speak to him, I am great! So, I will try my hardest not to communicate with him in any other fashion other than text or email. There’s nothing that he can say verbally that he can’t say via text or email. I think it pisses him off when I don’t speak to him or allow myself to be seen by him, but hey, I want and need peace and it’s his own fault why we’re in this divorce situation. Most men would love the fact that their STBX would try to stay the furthest away from them, but this fool is special. He wants to keep me around because he’s controlling and he misses me. And that is the last resort to keep me in his life. Dumb ass…you could have kept me in your life by being my husband BUT, you thought that grass was so much greener. Maybe one day we’ll be friends, but today just ain’t that day….
Maybe it’s the holidays. Maybe it’s this impending divorce. But I feel very sad. I don’t have anyone to spend time with. I just feel alone and sad and lonely. And I pray of course, but I would just like to be able to spend quality time with someone. I would like to just reach across my couch and give someone a kiss or a hug. A comforting touch is what I am craving, needing, desiring. And especially…missing. I could choose any ole fool that came across my path, but come on. I don’t need to add more stress and trouble to my life by getting involved with some retarded ass fool. Am I too picky? Should I just talk to anyone willing to take on a single mother with two kids? Lots of women do it, they just invite a man to come and live with them and be in a relationship because they don’t want to be by themselves. So how come I can’t do it? Why can’t I just jump into a relationship and deal with whatever consequences would come later from it? At least just for a little while, whilst I get through this divorce, you know? Cause the pain of all of this divorce madness is overwhelming. Everyday I fight the desire to jump off of a building just to get released from the pain. The pain of rejection from my STBX and the pain of rejection from society. I am a beautiful woman, but I’m still lonely. I am also scared to death of these dating sites. Is this the only way that I will ever meet a good, quality man? Seriously??? It’s a little depressing being in my 30’s and having to start this dating crap all over again, only because the man that I felt I was meant to be with for the rest of my life decided to be a selfish dick and abandon his family for his own selfishness. Now, I have to live and experience the dating faux pas’ that a person is supposed to experience in their 20’s. I don’t know. I’m just tired of coming home and laying in this bed by myself and sitting on this couch by myself. And hell, doing EVERYTHING by myself. Human beings are supposed to be lived in pairs. This being single crap is for the birds.
This year is so much tougher then last year. And I think it’s because last year, I really believed that there was still that possibility of reconciling with my STBX. I truly thought that he would come around and then we would work things out and my family would be whole, once again. Because of course, God tells me to ask, seek and knock (Matthew 5) and all shall be given to you, right? WRONG! So, so very wrong. Not only was there no reconciliation, but that demon of a STBX actually moved in with some filthy chick and is raising her son without so much as a care in the world. Taking me through all kinds of hell, but going through the day without so much of a thought to how his hateful, hurtful actions are affecting his family. And so this pain just continually weighs on me. And the fact that I didn’t have my girls for the Thanksgiving holiday just made me feel even worse. Worse, because he’s over there playing family with some other chick, and then including MY kids in his delusional fake portrait of a family. And even though I spent time with friends that day, my heart ached every moment I wasn’t with my girls. My heart aches knowing that I can’t give them a whole and complete family.
Co-parenting is bullshit. Plain and simple. I really wish he would go away and stay away. Let us live our lives without his constant interruptions. Without his constant breaking of promises. Without his constant disrespect. And without his constant breaking of my heart. Is God making me stronger, or is the bitterness that’s developing making me apathetic?