Why am I still bothered by this man’s presence? I don’t even want to look at him. And I know why. I will get sad at the memories that we once shared, of the love that we once had and then my heart will start tricking itself and my brain into thinking that there might be a slight chance of us getting back together. And it’s not a figment of my imagination because when he looks at me, his eyes are sad and you can tell that he (may) be feeling the same way. Or, it could be a fluke, only on my part. Hell, convicts can convince a parole board that they have “changed” their ways just to go back into society, so I can’t take anything that that man says or a “look” too much to heart. God says in Jeremiah that man’s heart is deceitful above all else, so I ain’t falling for that again. And emotions are straight up liars! They make you feel a certain way and then BLAM! You get bitch-slapped back into reality. I know it’ll take a lot of time for me to heal from this. Hell, my marriage was pulled right from under me. So….more prayer anyone?????
I’m sitting here and it’s late at night and my girls are with their father. For some strange reason, I can not fall asleep. I really can’t. And I know it’s because my mind just won’t shut the hell off. I am consumed with all kinds of thoughts. Both good and bad and a few indifferent. I could call someone and ask them if they want to go out, but I just feel the need to stay inside and chill. I don’t know if it’s my need or the will of God that is telling me I don’t need to be out and about. Just stay my butt still and quiet. I’m not feeling that need to pray, so that’s not why I’m up. And I am not sad (for once) that my kids aren’t with me. Is it because I am technically single and have no man of my own? Maybe….but I am not worried about being single. I know that God is doing a work in me and a man will present himself to me from God in due time. So what is it? It is financial? The fact that I want to move? Me trying to put the kids in a different school? The divorce itself? WTH?! I don’t rightly know. I could eat myself into a slumber, but then my stomach would pay the price; especially since I haven’t gone to the gym in a minute. A long minute. You know what I don’t like about life sometimes? I don’t like the fact that we don’t always know the answers. And I don’t think it’s fair. I still haven’t gotten a clue as to why I have to go through this divorce and why I have to be single. I’m obviously getting stronger on my Christian walk, but maybe the reason I have to go through this storm is not for me at all. Maybe I have to go through all of this for my kids. For them to see what it is to be a strong woman, a woman with convictions and character and morals. Because it seems like there’s a severe lack of all those traits within the world these days. Or maybe I’m just full of fluff. Maybe I’m making crap up because I am just tired and unable to sleep. I wish I could have some big, strong arms wrapped around me to lull me to sleep, and to keep me warm and to tell me everything is going to work out and be alright. I know God is here to comfort me as well, but I am human. And fighting fleshly desires is a full time job. I’m just blabbering incessantly.
Every mother loves when she is able to have a break, a moment to themselves where they can just breathe and relax and they don’t have to do anything or take care of anyone. But when it’s his weekend with the kids, I loathe this time to myself. I feel as though this “break” came at such a high, costly and painful price. One that I never wanted to pay nor do I still want to pay for. I have begun to hate every other Thursday in my life. I get anxiety, I get nauseous, I get sad and a little depressed. I usually don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone and I feel so drained of energy. And most of all, I miss my divas. I miss my gremlins. As much as they get on, under and over my nerves, they are my gremlins and I love them. And having to separate from them, even for just a weekend, is too much for my soul to bare. Especially when it comes from a divorce that I never co-signed on. But I know that I will adjust to this, just as I have adjusted to everything else that has come from this divorce. And you’d think that I was okay with this situation especially since we’ve been separated and living apart for two years already. But my heart breaks every other week when I have to send them away.They’re my babies, and he was my husband and we were a family. Never in my heart or mind did I ever think I’d have to be sharing and co-parenting my children. Time is both my nemesis and my ally, and I just wish that I could get past the pain of everything that this divorce has brought into my life and into my heart and into my soul.
Well, 2014 is starting off very nicely. And I mean this sincerely. One, because I finally have some peace in my life and while it’s there, I shall embrace it and accept it and appreciate it. Second, my STBX is still trying to get under, on, OVER my nerves and it’s the peace that is residing in my spirit that is keeping me from reacting and getting all emotional. Let me lay a little back story on ya, when he left, he would ask for the girls when it wasn’t his weekend to have them. And at first, I didn’t have a problem with it because I figured, I have to do things like this for the girls and why should the girls get punished because their father is acting like a jackass? Right? Okay. But then, I noticed, when I would ask him to reciprocate by allowing me to take the girls to a party while they were on his time, (my first time asking him, btw) he straight out told me NO. That when it’s his time with the girls, it’s his time and he will not give them to me. I think that’s when I truly hit my rock bottom with this man. The selfishness was too great with that man. The few times I’d said no to something, he’d have a tantrum and call me out my name and all kinds of good stuff. And then in the next breath and the next day I might add, he’d ask me for another favor. And because I was so in looooove, I’d give in to him like a dummy. Now, the dummy ain’t so in love and ain’t so dumb anymore. So, I made a decision based off of his selfishness. We’re going to stick to our regularly scheduled programming. The temporary parenting agreement that we have. We’re not going to alter it. Not even one iota. No more favors. I don’t care if on my weekend I have a chance to go hang out with Hollywood celebrities! I’m not going to change the course. He claims he wants to start over, and re-establish a cordial relationship with me, but it’s funny how he wants this relationship in lieu of getting the girls for this weekend for some party. This man always wants to play nice and be nice when it comes to getting what he wants. And then the moment he gets what he wants, he becomes the same selfish piece of shit he’s always been. Or what he turned into once he moved out the house. And I can tell you right now what the backlash is going to be regarding my not allowing him to get the girls on a weekend that isn’t even his. He’s either going to: A) skimp on the teeny bit of child support or B) he’s going to try to claim one of the kids before me on his taxes. LOL! Knowing that he’s not supposed to do this, mind you. But then again, selfish people really don’t give a damn, now do they? No, they do not. I’m glad that I can laugh about this now, because last year, around this time I would have been a hot, hot mess. An emotional mess. A fool in love of a mess. I just ask the Lord everyday to prepare my heart for his selfish shenanigans because he’s never going to change. Not without the help of Jesus. And since he doesn’t want Jesus’ help, I have to change and get stronger in order to not get hurt by my STBX’s words or actions. Just keep praying for me and of course, everyday will be a test of just how strong I have gotten (and will continue to get) and how much hope and faith I have in the Lord to get me through this situation with this idiot.
I am so proud of myself because I did not cry NOT ONCE yesterday! I ended 2013 feeling great. I was with my two kids, I was celebrating at a concert my church was throwing and I just felt really good. And even though my STBX tried to mess up my new year’s eve, I just ignored his every call and text. He didn’t really care what we (the kids and I) were doing for New Year’s. He just wanted to mess me up emotionally and I didn’t allow him to. (I wanted to text him and remind him that he had a whore gf and his fake son to keep his attention and company, so leave us the hell alone. Let me and my girls end the year in peace!!!). Unfortunately, I don’t think he’s smart enough to have learned his lesson which is to leave me the hell alone, but I am preparing myself for anything that he tries to throw at me to get me stressed out. No more taking his controlling bullshit and letting him manipulating me emotionally. He knew that even though I would yell and get upset, I would still become weak from the 15 years of feelings that I had/have for him and just give in to him; and he was right to think that way. Because before, that is EXACTLY what I would do. Give in to him and start the emotional manipulation over and over again. But I am tired of being his doormat and being walked over and treated like straight shit by him. I felt so much more empowered when I came from the concert last night. And I made promises to myself that I will be keeping to stay strong. 2014 is going to be so much more better, even with my impending divorce. I am getting stronger everyday and I am healing everyday. Maybe not at warp speed like I would have liked, but I can feel myself not getting super weak and distraught over things like I would have before. Like, I said, I didn’t even shed a tear for new year’s eve. In 2011 and 2012, I was rolling around on the ground, screaming and crying to the Lord. Yesterday, I felt sad, of course, but I just prayed and asked the Lord for guidance and strength and called it a day. I can honestly say that I truly don’t believe that I would have made it this far without leaning on the Lord to get me through. Without my faith, I would have imploded, or com busted into a total slobbering, blubbering mess. With the Lord, I was just half of a slobbering, blubbering mess. LMBO! And I must admit that still don’t see what my blessing will be at the end of this divorce but I know that God will be at the finish line, waiting for me, showing me why I had to go through this madness. Of course, I am still lonely, but I’m going to try to stop focusing on my loneliness and start redirecting my focus in something else. I haven’t decided what exactly, but the Lord will show it to me. I know that once I stop thinking these kinds of thoughts, God will send the perfect person to me. Gift wrapped….lol.