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I’m sitting here and it’s late at night and my girls are with their father. For some strange reason, I can not fall asleep. I really can’t. And I know it’s because my mind just won’t shut the hell off. I am consumed with all kinds of thoughts. Both good and bad and a few indifferent. I could call someone and ask them if they want to go out, but I just feel the need to stay inside and chill. I don’t know if it’s my need or the will of God that is telling me I don’t need to be out and about. Just stay my butt still and quiet. I’m not feeling that need to pray, so that’s not why I’m up. And I am not sad (for once) that my kids aren’t with me. Is it because I am technically single and have no man of my own? Maybe….but I am not worried about being single. I know that God is doing a work in me and a man will present himself to me from God in due time. So what is it? It is financial? The fact that I want to move? Me trying to put the kids in a different school? The divorce itself? WTH?! I don’t rightly know. I could eat myself into a slumber, but then my stomach would pay the price; especially since I haven’t gone to the gym in a minute. A long minute. You know what I don’t like about life sometimes? I don’t like the fact that we don’t always know the answers. And I don’t think it’s fair. I still haven’t gotten a clue as to why I have to go through this divorce and why I have to be single. I’m obviously getting stronger on my Christian walk, but maybe the reason I have to go through this storm is not for me at all. Maybe I have to go through all of this for my kids. For them to see what it is to be a strong woman, a woman with convictions and character and morals. Because it seems like there’s a severe lack of all those traits within the world these days. Or maybe I’m just full of fluff. Maybe I’m making crap up because I am just tired and unable to sleep. I wish I could have some big, strong arms wrapped around me to lull me to sleep, and to keep me warm and to tell me everything is going to work out and be alright. I know God is here to comfort me as well, but I am human. And fighting fleshly desires is a full time job. I’m just blabbering incessantly.

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