I really dislike this roller coaster ride of emotions that I have been on lately. One moment I am absolutely great! I feel invincible, I am ecstatic about everything and fearful of nothing, and the next moment, I am worrisome, lonesome and pessimistic. Then I have the moments where I’m just blah, just empty and void of any emotion it seems because I can literally feel all emotions at once and then none at all. There should be a word for feeling no emotions at all that doesn’t make a person seem like a sociopath. I think it’s a combination of what I am feeling in regards to this divorce, and what I am feeling in regards toward a certain person in my life. All types of emotional menageries are going on in my head and it’s starting to affect me. It’s only when I redirect my focus back on God and not on my emotions dealing with these people and situations in my life do I start to feel more “normal”, whatever that means, cause I can tell ya, the last two years has been nothing but abnormal. And I have to adapt to these abnormalities, which was never my choice. I wonder, do we ever really have a choice in what goes on in our lives? It looks like we have a choice, but then again…I don’t really know. I’m babbling again, I’m sure. Unsure of my feelings, unsure of what tomorrow is going to bring for me and my gremlins. Unsure of whether or not I will find the right somebody to come into my life. Unsure that God is even listening, sometimes. But I know that He is. I just wish I could get a text or email or even a burning bush message from Him that is clear and to the point and lets me know the whys and how comes and giving me the details of when this shit will be over. I wish I had never been a part of something, then I wouldn’t know how it felt to be a part of nothing afterwards.
It’s the nights that still get to me. The kids are asleep and I am sitting on my couch and it’s so still and quiet, even with the television on. And my mind gets to wondering and wandering and a feeling of loneliness just starts to creep in. The what ifs and the how comes and the why nots like to come out to play at night. And it bothers me. And it makes me think. And the thinking is stressful and painful on my heart. Sometimes, I am so scared of having nothing to keep my mind occupied because I know where it can go. And I don’t want to follow. So very afraid to follow. Cause I know where that road leads. I know where it leads and where it can stop and how it can also go on for miles and miles and miles…..So yeah, it’s the nights that still get to me. I wonder when, what if, how come and why not………….
Went to the final divorce proceedings where we both stated what we thought was best and where he basically tried to make me look like a monster. I saw the selfishness and pride at an all time high that day. And while I was in tears and trying not to become a blubbering mess, he remained stoic and cold. And then had the nerve to tell me that he’s hurting too. Yeah, he’s hurting all right….financially. You didn’t realize that you were gonna have to pay all that and then some in child support, did ya, Valentine? But, you have your gf and your pride to help you get through this tough, arduous time in your life, right? I pray the judge saw right through all your BS. How can you sleep at night, knowing that you gave up a loving family, for your selfishness and pride? I might be hurting now, but you will have this hurt in your heart for the rest of your life, because you know you are wrong. And the day you wake up and acknowledge it, will be the loudest, hardest slap in the face you’ll ever get. Happy Valentine’s Day, biatch!
Well, tomorrow is it for me…tomorrow I will no longer be Mrs. STBX. I don’t know exactly what will happen, but all I can say is that I tried. I tried my hardest, I tried my best, I tried everything and he just held on to his pride and selfishness and turned his back on his wife and kids. One day I will find someone who will appreciate me and want to be a responsible man, willing and more than able to take care of a family. A man who is not afraid of positive change and thinking outside of the box. A man whose heart is on fire for Jesus and doesn’t put himself before his family. Eventually, someday, one day…….
Still feeling weird. Am I mourning my divorce? Can I mourn it before it’s official? As the days get closer, I can feel something stirring in my spirit. It’s a feeling of uneasiness and sadness and anxiety and I know that is not from the Lord. What makes it even weirder is the question of why now? Why am I feeling this way? I have accepted that he wasn’t going to come back no matter how much praying and fasting I did. I accepted it, didn’t like it, but I accepted it. And I was feeling at peace once the new year came around. And now, I feel a bit, i don’t really know. I just feel discombobulated. My feelings are all over the place. I have peace and joy, but they are trying to eek out over the heads of the other emotions that are trying to take first place in my heart and mind. I have been praying and reading my bible and listening to praise music and listening to the pastors on TV, but these nasty emotions keep on invading my space. Anyone else ever felt like this before when it came to their divorce? QUEASY! That’s the word that I am looking for, freaking queasy. And I usually feel this way when the Holy Spirit is trying to alert me to something, but what? The STBX and I have nothing left to discuss. We had our (hopefully) last argument the day before. I have already prepared myself for any future shenanigans but that’s not it. My spirit is warning me of something else. I think the only way to figure what it is about is to get on the floor and pour my heart and soul out to God. Cause I have hit a brick wall…..
I find that my heart and spirit is still heavy with sadness regarding my divorce. It will officially come to an end in a couple of days. We’ll meet at the courthouse for the last time, try our hardest to ignore one another, most likely argue about the same things that we’ve been arguing about for the past 2 years since we’ve been separated and then, just like that….what would have been 17 years together is GONE. And I still don’t want a divorce. Never wanted it in the first place. But, I have to live God’s will, not mine. And if it’s God’s will for me to not be married to this man, then with time I will heal and get over it. I was broken and now I’m mending. But the mending process can be just as painful as the broken phase. But at least I can see that I am mending. God will eventually send me someone else. Someone who’s heart is on fire for God and who’s heart wants to be completely and utterly en-captured by my love. But until then, I have to leave this storm to Jesus, because when I focus on it, I cause all kinds of chaos in my life. So, I’ll re-direct my focus on my two beautiful princesses. I feel bad because I never wanted them to experience coming from a broken home like I did. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever foresee this happening. I feel bad because there is no physical man in the house. No one to play with them like only a daddy can, no one to make them feel protected like only a daddy can, and no one to teach them life’s lessons like only a daddy can. At least for right now there’s no man that can. And yes, they still see their biological father when it’s his time to have them, but it’s not the same as having your daddy right in the house with you. All I can say is that I tried. I tried, I tried, I tried. And he didn’t. And I can’t force anyone to love me nor stay with me. Can’t and won’t. So, I will sit here and wait for my heart to complete the healing process and until then, I’ll focus on God and focus on my gremlins. And I will live God’s will…….