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I find that my heart and spirit is still heavy with sadness regarding my divorce. It will officially come to an end in a couple of days. We’ll meet at the courthouse for the last time, try our hardest to ignore one another, most likely argue about the same things that we’ve been arguing about for the past 2 years since we’ve been separated and then, just like that….what would have been 17 years together is GONE. And I still don’t want a divorce. Never wanted it in the first place. But, I have to live God’s will, not mine. And if it’s God’s will for me to not be married to this man, then with time I will heal and get over it. I was broken and now I’m mending. But the mending process can be just as painful as the broken phase. But at least I can see that I am mending. God will eventually send me someone else. Someone who’s heart is on fire for God and who’s heart wants to be completely and utterly en-captured by my love. But until then, I have to leave this storm to Jesus, because when I focus on it, I cause all kinds of chaos in my life. So, I’ll re-direct my focus on my two beautiful princesses. I feel bad because I never wanted them to experience coming from a broken home like I did. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever foresee this happening. I feel bad because there is no physical man in the house. No one to play with them like only a daddy can, no one to make them feel protected like only a daddy can, and no one to teach them life’s lessons like only a daddy can. At least for right now there’s no man that can. And yes, they still see their biological father when it’s his time to have them, but it’s not the same as having your daddy right in the house with you. All I can say is that I tried. I tried, I tried, I tried. And he didn’t. And I can’t force anyone to love me nor stay with me. Can’t and won’t. So, I will sit here and wait for my heart to complete the healing process and until then, I’ll focus on God and focus on my gremlins. And I will live God’s will…….

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