I am completely and totally depressed. I don’t even want to move. How I found the energy to even type this much has me totally dumbfounded. I realized that every time I have to give my kids over to my ex, I need a day to just sit and stew and be sad. Then, the next day, I am kinda better. But now, since the parenting schedule has changed and I have to give my kids up on Friday thru Tuesday morning, it has totally thrown me off balance. I was depressed with the last parenting plan, so now, it feels like it is re-opening old wounds all over again. So, my depression doesn’t start Thursday evening, it starts on a Friday night and takes over me the whole of Saturday. I miss my girls. And yes, we are newly divorced but this whole separation thing is not new. We’ve been doing this for two and a half years.
I just feel so robbed and jaded and helpless and hopeless. And I am trying my hardest, I swear I am, not to lose my faith and hope in God, but I just feel so……I don’t even know the word. Lonely, depressed, desolate, undesired, unloved, angry, hurting, pitiful, destitute, bitter and I could go on and on. Some days I am so happy, I even called it absurdly happy and then the next day, I am like a fallen star. I was shining and then I just exploded and went dead. DEAD. Floating around in an abyss of nothing. (And the Oscar goes to…) And I have friends, I have family, but I don’t want to see any of them when I am feeling like this. I am so faking it. Everyday, I am faking it. I have no one to love me, no one that wants to love me, I just feel so alone. There are vacant spaces all around me, not just in my house, but in my spirit.
Everything I try to do, to fill this void isn’t working. It’s a band-aid on something that needs immediate surgery. I read my Bible, I pray, I go to church, I encourage others. I try to be good and do good and think positive but I just want to die. I just want to go away until this pain goes away. But it never seems like it’s going to go away. And because I have my gremlins, I have to fake the funk because I have to be there for them. And if I start to show any signs of how I really feel, someone is going to call the psych patrol and whisk me away. The depression hurts my head. It manifests itself in my body and I can actually feel the pain that my heartache is causing me. And the terrible part is that no one understands. No one can feel it. This is something that cannot be shared. All mine. First time in my life that I can’t share something with others, no matter how much I want to get this burden taken from me.
My ex is funny, he’s always talking about the pain and hurt he’s been feeling throughout this whole thing. The whole thing that HE started. Yeah, I’m sure he’s hurting when he goes out with his mistress and when they are kissing and whatnot and I’m sure his heart was BREAKING when he asked her to move in and when he doesn’t call his children for days at a time, you can practically hear him baying at the moon in pain. Or when he is taking care of her son and doesn’t even offer up a dime to take care of his DNA kids. YUP! I can see all the pain he is enduring.
Pain is when you are sitting at home and the very thought of moving just makes you want to puke. When your thoughts just keep inundating you with all kinds of images and scenarios that are only playing out in your mind, but for some reason, are so vivid, so real. I am divorced. I have to co-parent. I am single. This wasn’t my plan in life. I feel totally out of sync with reality sometimes. And I know I have to get over this. I have accepted it, I accepted it a long time ago. But I don’t have to like it, and I won’t force myself to just get over it and not grieve properly.
I’m going to grieve. And I will get better. But for now, I am grieving. And to hell with him and his mistress and her kid. And I hate being depressed, but I am not going to give in to it and let it take over my life. But I have to acknowledge the depression. I can’t wait until the day I blog and tell you that I am whole and complete. And I can’t wait for the day when I can blog about a new, better, more loving and fulfilling relationship. I can’t wait for the day I can blog and say the ex and I aren’t arguing anymore, that peace is an actual reality in my life. I can’t wait to blog about God finally showing me that light at the end of this proverbial tunnel I’ve been trudging through for two and a half years.