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I find myself praying a lot. And I mean, A LOT. Funny thing, I rarely prayed before my ex-husband left. I was a Christian woman, went to church, did all that good stuff, but to say that I would honestly take more then 5 minutes out the day to pray would be an all out lie. Once that fool left, I started praying, but of course, it was for all the selfish reasons that one prays about when they are going through a storm. For example: change him, Lord. Bring him back. Help him see. And I would get frustrated because the more I prayed and the harder I prayed, nothing would happen. And I would doubt myself. And I would doubt God. But then I just started praying for myself, because I realized, praying to change the ex-husband was not going to work. Mainly because people who don’t feel like they need to change, ain’t gonna. Simple as that. And after almost three years of his BS, that fool still doesn’t get it. He doesn’t see his selfishness. He doesn’t understand why I am not willing to cooperate with him because of the lack of reciprocity on his part. He doesn’t get why I won’t let him get away with not being financially responsible for his children. So now, knowing that he is not willing to change, I pray just to get through his waves of BS. I pray for strength, wisdom, courage, BOLDNESS, and I pray for love. I pray to change myself because I don’t want to be bitter or angry. And even with a gf, the one whose grass seemed so much greener, you can tell he’s not happy. But me? I’m still smiling, still joyful. I have moments of sadness of course, but sometimes those things can’t be helped. But I am not trying to fake happiness all for the sake of pride and selfishness. I am allowing myself to learn and feel from the painful death of this marriage. And I get through all this by praying. And now, I pray even when I sleep, that’s how powerful it has gotten. And a peace comes over me when I pray. Maybe it’s all in my head, maybe it’s not. But as long as it gives me the joy and love I need to face new day, then why not? And I get a sense of tremendous satisfaction from praying for others, regardless of their needs. It helps redirect my focus off of myself to help others. That’s my battle plan. My main weapon of defense. Prayer…and lots of it.

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