I was watching the movie, Hope Springs, with Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep and I was thinking, I feel robbed. And hear me out, because what I’m about to say will sound retarded. But I feel robbed. I was with my EX for 15, 10 dating, 5 married. And I feel as though he stole years from me/us. We didn’t get a chance to experience watching the kids grow up together, really going through tough times together, buying and working on a house together, even though we (I) bought a house and it foreclosed because we were young and didn’t know what the hell we were doing. But I feel robbed because still so fresh and new into our marriage, he just pulled the rug from under us, pulled the plug out of our marriage and just plain ole gave up and abandoned us. We won’t be celebrating milestones in our marriage. And the premise of this movie, is a couple married for 31 years that have hit the roadblock that all marriages hit. And I also had to ask myself, should I maybe feel grateful that I didn’t hit that roadblock, 20 years from now? Wouldn’t I feel worse if he would have left then rather than now?
I don’t honestly know. I think rejection from the person you love will hurt regardless of how many years you’ve been together. I could empathize so much with this movie that I literally started crying at the car dealership where I was getting my car serviced. I had to pull it together. I feel like my EX just gave up, didn’t fight, didn’t even try. He just saw that we had a problem that HE would not cooperate to fixing for real instead of putting a band-aid on it, and jumped ship at the next port. Did I ever tell you that we went to 9 marriage counseling sessions? And he said after the 6th one, that it wasn’t working. WTF?!?!?!?! How can you expect to fix a relationship in just 9 sessions, especially when you don’t think that there’s anything wrong with you??? I tried to make it work all the way to the end. The literal end. We were in the court house and I STILL told him to come home and we can make it work, because I knew he still loved me and wants to be with his family, but his pride is holding him back from doing the right thing. I feel bad and sad that my marriage ended, but I don’t have any guilt because I tried everything that I could to save us. And he did everything that he could to keep us drowned. That movie was the most honest movie I’ve ever seen regarding marriage. It told the story that both parties were to blame and if you want your marriage to work, then both parties have the responsibility to make it work.
I wish I could grow old with him, and go through real life scenarios with him and celebrate those marriage milestones with him. But he stole them from me, stole them from us. And the hardest part is not knowing the whole reason of why. And I guess it doesn’t matter now, does it? It’s over, we’re done and now I have to start life all over again. And yes, a man will come around eventually and I will fall in love and most likely get married, but for now, I just feel robbed. Plain and simple. My heart literally breaks at the thought of my divorce and as you can tell, I can’t seem to stop thinking about it. I just pray everyday and all day for comfort and healing. And the tears are more sporadic then anything now, but I can’t wait for the day when the tears will just stop. Not another one wasted on what was and the thought of what could have been. Because I don’t really know what could have been, do I?
I feel robbed, and I know there will be a moment when I will be happy that I am free from someone that is so selfish and yadda, yadda, yadda. But for right now, I just feel utterly and completely robbed. And where’s the moment when I am no longer in love with him but I only have a love for him? Can someone please ask God to put a rush delivery on that, because I feel like a total loser, jackass for being in love with a person that doesn’t want shit to do with me. (The EX’s words, not mine). In love with someone who doesn’t care about me one way or the other. In love with someone who would rather be with someone that enables him to do wrong instead of being with someone who wants him to do right. I can’t win against pride. I have stopped trying to fight that fight. I hate feeling like this, but I have to let the emotions flow in, circulate, and then flow back out.