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Should I start actively dating? I want to have a man in my life, but I don’t at the same time. It’s hypocritical, I know. I am scared to date, I am scared to allow someone else into my heart, scared to trust and scared to bring someone new around my kids if they are not intending on being in a long-term relationship. Then, in the next breath, I want the relationship and everything that comes with it because I am lonely and yearn for the affections and attentions of someone that wants, desires and needs to love me with every fiber of their being. There are moments where I just feel as if I am going to be single forever. And I don’t know if it’s because I am not actively seeking out men via online dating or what. Should I start asking my friends to hook me up with someone or should I go to my church leaders and say, whomever ya got, send him my way! I don’t know. I really just want someone to talk to. Someone that will listen and is caring and will just be a friend and let me speak. And yes, I want these qualities in a straight man. LOL…. the problem is, most men in my life are in some way shape or form, trying to maneuver themselves into my pants after a few sentences. That is not what I want nor what I need. I just want someone to talk to. Someone to tell stories with, joke around with and just hang out with.

Eh, what the hell? I sound like I want a high school bff instead of a man. I keep telling myself to just wait and let the Lord sort my life out, but the moments that pass by are filled with excruciating loneliness. And my flesh is constantly fighting with my spirit when it comes to waiting patiently on the Lord. ChristianMingle? Match.com? PlentyofFish? Which drug of choice should I choose? Which plank should I walk off of first? I even find myself praying for reconciliation of my marriage, still. It does say in the bible that a wife should not depart from her husband and if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. -1 Corinthians 7:10. But this wasn’t my choice for divorce, was it? So why do I want to still be reconciled to this idiot? Because it is where my heart is, unfortunately. Still buried in the old fashioned notions of keeping wedding vows. Does that make me a silly little rabbit? Should I start thinking more like the other selfish people in the world? 

This blog is all over the place, but then again, so are my thoughts and emotions. I will get them in check soon enough. What’s really bothering me is the fact that this man left me and his kids, to play husband and father to his mistress and her kid and he doesn’t even begin to miss me. Doesn’t care that he broke up his family. Never texted to tell me how he missed me or cares about me. And he just lives everyday in his own little world. Almost like the 15 years we were together didn’t mean anything. And if he is feeling guilty, he would just rather live with his mistake and the guilt and just keep on trucking. Even if he wants to leave her, he’d rather just continue the facade instead of come back to us. Why? Because he’d have to admit his wrong and live everyday, the RIGHT way, with us. He’d have to put up with doing everything to please us to correct the mistake that he made. I just don’t understand that. How a man, knowing that he did wrong, would prefer to live with his wrong instead of coming back to his loving wife and kids? Of course I would have to refrain from being an angry, bitter woman who would throw his mistakes back into his face every minute of the day, but that’s what therapy is for, right? That’s why I’m going to church, right? To be better. To actually activate forgiveness. But I never got the opportunity, because this man is living with his mistress, or gf since we’re now officially divorced. And we all know he doesn’t want to run out on another woman and her kid, even though he has absolutely no ties whatsoever to her.

When your whole family is telling you to leave the person you’re with, I don’t think it’s them that’s wrong. But, when you’re an idiot going off of anger, you take offense to everyone instead of accepting your role and responsibility in the wrong you have done. He wrote me a handwritten note the other day to update me on the girls when they were with him. A HANDWRITTEN NOTE. People don’t write anything anymore. He could have texted me or emailed me this information. It takes a lot of love to write a note to someone, even if it wasn’t a love letter or anything like that. So, it’s those little things like that that give me hope but I have to guard my heart and not take it to seriously. Because if I do, I will definitely go into a tailspin of emotional backdraft. Especially since this man has not said anything whatsoever about reconciliation. And since he just continues to blame me for his affair and his abandonment of the family. And he also continues to live a life with that other person. And he can see his life going down in flames while he’s with her, but that is where he wants to be.

He thinks he can change her, just like I thought I could change him. Luck, as it would seem, is not on either of our sides. People say I should just concentrate on my life and the girls and not worry about him and her. And I try, I really try. But there is only so much concentration I can put on the girls. Only so much I can concentrate at work. All the volunteer work in the world ain’t gonna make me forget the love I once had for this man over a 15 year period. There are those moments, like this, where I am alone and my thoughts can just pillage through my brain. And of course, my fellow Christian brethren tell me not to be shocked if God intervenes and my marriage is restored and reconciled. I only have one question when it comes to that…….when? Cause I am tired of waiting, waiting for whether or not the old will be restored and I’m tired of waiting for the new to reveal itself.