I survived yet another holiday. No tears. A smidgen of sadness and a touch of loneliness, but it was still okay overall.
But loneliness is dangerous, man. It can make you think things and do things that you wouldn’t normally do. In my case, I actually went and created an account with OKCupid.com on Saturday. I was just sitting there, minding my business, allowing the kids to run all over the house like gremlins gone wild and I just had an epiphany!!! Why not start the dating process? Why not go ahead and open an account with an online dating site, and just see what’s out there? It’s not like I have to actually go on any dates. I could just start talking to men via email and just be friends, right? Yeahhhhhhh….. I didn’t finish my profile and it was cool getting the initial responses to my profile, but for some reason, my spirit wasn’t at ease about it. Online dating is not my thing, or at least, it isn’t right now. I need more time. I think instead of listening to my spirit, I was listening to my flesh and decided to jump the shark in my healing process. I’ve only been officially divorced for about 2.5 months. That’s not time enough for me to say I need to start dating. I’ve been separated for even longer, but I am not gonna rush anything. I just miss all the mushy, good stuff when it comes to being in a relationship. I miss the affection, I miss the intimacy, I miss the laughs, I miss EVERYTHING.
And like a dummy, searching for what I’m missing, I signed up for online dating. Lord, help me. Men were contacting me and telling me lovely things, but instead of being flattered or swept away and enticed by these sweet, sweet words, (insert sarcasm), I was more grossed out than anything else. I was not interested in replying to any of them. Not even remotely interested. Does that mean there’s something wrong with me? It’s not like the men are lining up to ask me out. Don’t get me wrong, I get my fair share of looks, but no approaches. There’s no line of men, lined up around the block, waiting to ask me out. Not at work, not at church, no where. I find myself thinking about Kim Kardashian. She was married, left her husband, divorced and literally minutes later, she was engaged and married again. So, why the hell is it taking me so long to find someone to love me? Why the hell is it taking God so long to send me a new love? I wasn’t the one to do anything wrong in my marriage, but as of today, I am still alone and single and he is living la vida loca with his slutbag of a gf. Where’s the justice? Where’s the revenge, Lord? Is he only going to feel revenge by paying child support? I mean, are You going to continue to let him stay in a relationship that started out in sin, in adultery and inevitably caused a divorce, which YOU are totally against, Lord?
And here I am, faithful, trusting in You, tithing, reading my bible and sending scripture out to friends and family and still, it’s just me. Just me, just me, just me. Ughhhhhhhh….I know that is not right, but it is what I am feeling at the moment. I will get over it, and then I’ll feel something else again. Good, bad, whatever. Needless to say, my online dating experience survived a meaningful 24 hours. Maybe one day, but today is not the day.