Well, here I am, about to embark on a nice little vacation and I am feeling excited, happy, anxious (good anxious), and oddly enough, a little sad. Sad because I am going someplace that I had envisioned going to and experiencing with the person that I once loved more than myself, just a short time ago. And now, I’m just going with a girlfriend….and it’s not bad, but it’s not the greatest thing either. I’ll be around all this old world scenery, and loads of romantic moments and I will have no one to experience it with. And I’m not trying to negate my vacation, but it just saddens me that I have to do the things that I’ve always dreamed of doing with my spouse…..by myself. And now, I have to wait until I find that new person to make new memories with. When will that be? I don’t know. But I have made up my mind that I will just have to wait until God feels I am ready and until He decides to send the one into my life. So! I will pack and I will get on that plane and I will have fun, regardless of the circumstances surrounding this vacation. I’ll probably cry a little when I reach my destination, but I will dry the tears and keep it moving. Always. Gotta. Keep. It. Moving………………
I’m feeling stronger and more powerful since I’ve been praying more and just dedicating more time to God. I don’t even worry about the lack of child support like I used too. I just hit a point where I couldn’t allow the stress to affect me any longer. I have given him up to God completely. There’s nothing that I can do here on Earth except pray and keep it moving. And that’s exactly what I do. My focus was once on praying and asking God for the reconciliation of my marriage, But I had to change my way of thinking. My focus was still on my problem (the ex-factor) and not on God completely. I can tell you the day I let him go; it was in May and it was on a Tuesday. He just showed his selfishness and narcissistic attitude 100% that day, and I kinda woke the hell up and thought, “why am I praying to be back with this man”? He doesn’t love you, maybe never even loved you, and he can’t love you the way that you truly deserve. So, now I pray for him, but not for us to get back together. I pray for his salvation and that’s all jack.
It’s a catch-22 feeling that I have now. I feel bad that I am not in love with him but at the same time, I don’t feel bad that I am not in love with him. And the anxiety and stress levels have damn near disappeared. When I feel any bad emotions trying to overcome me for whatever reason, the Holy Spirit alerts me and I gets to praying, BIG TIME! There’s no need for me to feel bad anymore, especially now that I feel there’s no need for him……..finally, I have the peace that surpasses all understanding. And I am grateful for it.
Well, the good news that I have been impatiently anticipating has finally arrived. I got the position I wanted, and I will be moving further north. I think of it as my time to begin anew, to start fresh and to begin making new memories. It’ll be a whole new environment. A whole new crop of people to work with and even my living surroundings will be brand spanking new. No memories that he and I shared ANYWHERE! Except the kids….lol. But I will be able to breathe and not feel afraid that he’ll just pop up with his mistress. I swear, there were moments where I would be scared to go to a certain mall or movie theater for fear that he’d just materialize. So, he can have the south and I will take the north. And I just feel like this is my time. I have sat back and have been the cheerleader for so many other people and I have waited until this divorce was over to make a move that will better my livelihood for me and my gremlins.
And to tell you the truth, I am scared a little bit. Single mom, two little girls, living 45 minutes away from my family, but I know I can do it. And I’ll do it with God right by my side and leading me the whole way. Sometimes you need to break out of that complacency box and strive forward towards success! The ex-factor won’t be happy at all and he will more than likely curse me out and tell me how this is all my fault, blah, blah, blah…. It’s my turn. It’s my life. And it’s time for me to start living it.