I’ve been having these reoccurring dreams about my ex-husband. Nothing crazy, nothing retarded. But they all technically have the same underlying message. In the dreams, we are cuddled up, he is hugging me, kissing me, all over me like he once was before. And then there comes the moment when I ask him to come back home and he just looks at me, shakes his head and says, I can’t. And he walks away. And I mean, the love that I am getting from him feels the same way it did when I was receiving his love, once upon a time lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng ago. But, he just shakes his head and walks away and leaves. Each and every time. And in each dream, I am just standing there, crying and wondering, WHY? Why would you come to me and tell me that you love me, tell me that you care, show me all this love and affection and then take it away once again so callously? I don’t know. But this last dream I had regarding my ex-husband was different. And by different, I mean, the ending of the dream was different. He was there, I was there and he was doing the same thing. Kissing, hugging, caressing and giving me all the love and affection that I have been longing for since he left. But this time, when he said he couldn’t stay, I just looked at him and waved him off. No tears, no begging for him to come back. I just said, “okay”, and I waved him good-bye on his way out.
I was talking to someone and they told me that this last dream means that I am starting to truly let go. That I am getting stronger and that even though it has been a long grieving process for me, I am seeing the patterns and accepting what it is and my heart is healing. I am getting over him. And I still sometimes yearn for what once was, but I am healing. Getting comfort from the Lord. Getting love and strength from my heavenly Husband, until my earthly husband comes a-knocking. I can’t keep holding on to the “idea” of someone, especially if they aren’t holding on to any “idea” of me. He doesn’t acknowledge me in the least and I deserve more than that. I still don’t know the whole truth of why he left, I know that the slut gf is part of the reason, but I guess I am coming to terms with it all. My spirit is making peace for the sake of my heart and my sanity. I just see it as this, the same way he just left and abandoned me in real life, is the same way he is leaving me in my own dreams. “Enough is enough”, as the great Barbra Streisand once sang.
I so deserve much better. And once I am completely healed from this divorce, (whatever that means and whenever that will be) I know that God will eventually send someone my way. I think I made idols out of this marriage and this divorce and God was very unhappy with me. And now that I have given it all to Him, things are moving much more smoothly for me. And I thank God for it. Trying to date before my time, trying to hold on to a marriage and a husband that God clearly allowed to be taken from me, was essentially killing me emotionally and spiritually. I am glad that He has resurrected my heart. That He has renewed my mind. Glad that I can feel His love and that I have finally learned to listen and obey the Holy Spirit. Things are getting better and they can only become BEST if I continue on this path. Watch out world!!! Ms. D. is happy again!!!!!!