Tags

, , , , , , ,

And here we are…the child support has finally started coming out of his paychecks. Wow…….. I literally do not know how to react or what to say or what to do. No more wondering if he’s gonna pay. No more worrying over how to pay this, that and the other. Not like I’m getting paid millions, but still, the child support will help. But the biggest part of it all, no more fighting with him, like I described in my last post. The man wouldn’t even buy his kid uniforms for goodness sakes! Of course, I still expect a fight from him if I ask him to go above and beyond purchasing something for his children, but at least the major bills for the girls will be covered. Even though now the child support isn’t going to cover all of the daycare fees; but, one thing at a time. Let us just rejoice in this last and final victory, shall we? I’ve been fighting for so long that now I don’t know what to do with myself. I think this is the way soldiers feel when they come back from being away. It’s like, what the hell do I do now? What is a normal life and how do I get to that?!

This is it, though. The final piece of the puzzle, the last goodbye, the proverbial last nail in the divorce coffin. I’m moving 45 minutes away, about to start a new life. This divorce and everything about it, is now real to me. This, this is what needed to happen in order to open my eyes to this is real. In order for my mind to wrap around the thought of he ain’t never coming back. There’s no need for me to pray for restoration of the marriage. This is it. It is over. The slutty girlfriend, the adultery, the madness of it all didn’t do it for me, but the reality of finally receiving child support is what sunk in. And I will be honest, it is bothering me a little bit. I guess in a way, I don’t need him and I’ve known for a while that he doesn’t need me. But that teeny-tiny string, that bond of anger and hate (his) is what kept us kinda tied to one another. And now, the string has snapped. No need for it. We literally do not need each other for anything anymore. Am I sad? Am I happy? Mad? Upset? Angry? Despondent? Cheerful? I dunno.

Maybe peace will come to us in the future because there will no longer be anger and control issues. Maybe we can be friends in the far, far future since there will be no reason to be angry and upset. I wonder if this would be easier to get over or deal with if I had someone in my life. I doubt it. Someone could always distract me for a while from the pain this final nail has driven through me, but it would still come back. I will be okay. It will just take time and prayer to get over it. IT IS OVER. It’s a weird feeling. Anyone else ever felt this way, before?

Advertisements