I feel like I am in an in-between moment. The in-between being that I feel like I might be ready to date and at the same time, I am not ready to date. I want everything that comes with dating, but I am terrified at the thought of having to start all over again. I am not excited by the thought of dating, yet, I am exhilarated at the possibilities of meeting someone who will love me and care for me just as I have always wanted/needed. I really don’t want to have to start a relationship or a getting to know someone, only to have to turn around and break it off, break up, whatever you wanna call it. Am I ready? For rejection? For disappointment? For the unknown? Can my heart, mind and soul take it? I don’t know…I am so at a crossroads when it comes to this whole dating thing. When it comes to the possibility of allowing a stranger into my world and having him potentially knock it upside down when I have finally gotten it back right side up.
And let’s face it, I am super picky and I will not be afraid of saying so and believing that I should be. I have two little kids, GIRLS, that are watching, listening and eventually will be imitating some parts of what they have seen while growing up in my care. I need to make sure that the person I involve in my life and subsequently in theirs, will be worthy of all our time, of our care and of our hearts. One man already broke three hearts, I couldn’t stand for another to come in and break ours all over again. I only have the glue for mine, and I never want to see my girls’ having their hearts broken ever again. Oh, I know it will happen when they get older with their boyfriends, but little girls should never have their hearts broken by their daddies. Nor their step-daddies, father figures or whatever else you would like to call them.
There are men ready to have sex with me in a blink of an eye, but I haven’t encountered any ready to date me in a blink of an eye. Am I sending off the vibe that I don’t have time for games? That this isn’t playtime? That I am dating with purpose and that I refuse to give in to the certain standards in this world? Cause guess what? I don’t have time for games and I won’t give in to certain things. The next man has to understand that I am putting everything on the line. That when I say I am not having sex before marriage, I mean it. As much as I want to, and trust me, I do…I just can’t give in to my desires. I have to think with my brain and not my vagina. (Yeah, I said it!) And if I am going to live as a God-fearing Christian, I need to walk the walk and talk the talk. I can’t continue to do the same things and expect a different outcome.
So, as I wait for this mystery person, I sit here and I ponder. And I think. And I wonder. And I worry. Worry about who he will be, how he will be, and when should I expect him? There’s so much to consider, and I have to do the thinking with the intentions of all three of us. It would be way easier if it were just me to deal with, but I have to remember my babies. I have to remember that they are a part of my life’s equation. Hell, I could invite any old fool into my life, my home, just to say I have a man. Any person to have here with me, paying bills and helping me with the girls. Maybe it works out, maybe it doesn’t. The kids would get over it, right? Wrong! I don’t want that kind of life for my kittens. I want them happy, healthy and as close to mentally stable as I can get them. And I have never been the one to settle for anything or anyone. I can compromise on certain things, yes. But not when it comes to the man I will eventually have in my life. No more settling. I’m not a teenager anymore.
I met my ex at the tender age of 17. I’m not a little girl anymore. I can’t just jump on the next man that comes by. I want to love with every fiber of my being, but at the same time, I have to think as well. Love can be vastly blind at 17, but I am nearsighted, not blind, at age 35. I expect so much more from myself at 35 than I did at 17. Plus, no one should be victim to my emotional baggage. Wouldn’t be fair, now would it? I’m gonna continue to read my books, watch my TBN shows and ask the Lord to work in me, through me and heal me. I don’t want to be scared to love and I don’t want to always be on the defense either. I want to feel the same joy I felt at 17 when I wasn’t afraid to love. I want to feel that same joy, just differently…I don’t know if you understand. But I guess I’ll figure it out. Someday.