I’ve had a bad cold since Thanksgiving Day. And I can feel myself getting better, thank the Lord. I think I really needed undisturbed rest. I miss my gremlins, but this was the perfect weekend for me to get sick and for them to be gone. I know, it sounds weird, but it’s the truth. And you know what else? I haven’t spoken much to anyone either. Any conversations that I have had, whether verbal or via text has been very brief and extremely limited. I think I needed this time to myself to be alone. And to see if I can actually handle being alone. And by George! I have not driven myself crazy, so I know I am ok! LOL! I can be alone with myself and not be bored or drive myself bonkers. I’ve been watching my shows, reading my books and just chilling.
And I realized that I will be alright. I will. Why should I have ever felt afraid of being completely alone? Even if I don’t have someone to go out with on a regular basis or have someone to talk to or text on a regular basis does not mean that I will fall to pieces or that I don’t have a life. I can still live! And once I start feeling better, I will. Dance classes, here I come! Volunteering at church, here I come! I need to get out and just go dancing at a salsa club, all by myself if I have too. Movies, restaurants, gun range, I am going to take myself out to the places I enjoy and I know I will be okay. Plus, I will start taking some long weekend vacations by myself too! I have always wanted to go to Nashville. That is definitely gonna happen. And it’ll be BY MYSELF!!! And if I want to just stay at home and be a vegetable, that’s alright! I totally fucking deserve it! Excuse my french….
Of course I miss being a part of something, but it’s time for me to stop sitting here, waiting for the situation to change and thinking that someone is just going to pop up at my door, wanting to be with me. I am going to go out into the world and let myself be seen. I’m going to be open and friendly. I’m going to allow myself to be more social. Cause even if someone doesn’t want to date me, I can at least start gaining more friends, both female as well as male. With me, I notice I am more at ease around men than women. I only have four really great girlfriends and I ain’t letting them go no time soon. I’d rather hang out with boys. They seem much more honest with who they are, especially after you let it be known that you ain’t sleeping with them. LOL!
I have friends that are available from time to time to hang out, but let’s face it. Everyone that is an adult on this planet, has their own lives to live. And I can’t expect everyone to be available when I am. So, I am honestly okay with doing things on my own. I’m quite sure I will relive those lonely moments and have those times when my emotions start toying with me, but what can I do? This is my life and until someone else comes along, it’s just me and my gremlins. And I have no idea when someone will come into my life, but I can’t just sit here, wondering and waiting. It was okay 3 years ago, because I was stuck on stupid on my ex-husband and the ex-“boyfriend.” But trust me, I know the truth now. I see it, I recognize it, and I accept it fully. This is my season for singleness.
I will continue to walk in God’s light and on His path. I will continue to pray and ask God to turn me into a Proverb’s 31 woman BEFORE I even get a man. I want to do everything right, as much as I possibly can. And I want to be happy and completely full of God’s love and joy. And I know that I will be, because I can feel it. Weekends like this used to make me cry. I would be sad. I would just sit here, wishing for my life to go back to the way it was. Now, I am thinking of working on a vision board for 2015 and trusting fully in the fact that God will continue to make EVERY WAY for me and my girls. I think God has so much more planned for me and I believe I have been blocking my own blessings by being afraid. By not accepting being single and trusting in Him. By trying to hold on to something that He has specifically taken away from me. Tsk-tsk-tsk…smh…got to do better!!!