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I had an affair with a married man after my husband left and abandoned me and the girls. It was 8 months after he left that I started messing around with this man. And the affair lasted for a year and a half. I don’t have an answer as to why or how; it just started. And I broke it off, January 1, 2014. I had decided that that wasn’t the life I wanted to lead. I decided that I deserved better. I decided to stop ignoring the Holy Spirit and making excuses for what I was doing so as not to feel any guilt. And I fell in love with this person and he treated me wonderfully. Got on my nerves like a person will normally do when in a “relationship” but we always argued and got past the argument. I guess there’s no reason to stay mad at each other when in reality we weren’t technically “together.” Hell, we could be mad and just go home to our separate homes. Who cares, right? But we would talk things out and make up. He respected me and I believe he loved me, but I just felt so rejected because I wasn’t getting what I wanted or needed from that “relationship.”

I felt rejected because I loved him but couldn’t be with him, and not because he didn’t want to be with me, but because he couldn’t. He had his family obligations and who was I to interfere with that? So, I remained in the shadows, a side chick, a mistress. And all this time, I am feeling rejection from my own husband. So, I felt rejection from two men. And I was feeling conviction in my spirit from my actions. Even though my ex had a gf, I felt like I was cheating on him and I felt like I was the one committing adultery. And I know that was not true, but it didn’t stop me from thinking it. And then to feel and see how much love this other man had for me, was giving to me and I couldn’t have it the right way, killed my heart. So I made a decision and that was to release myself from both situations.

Release myself from being a mistress and adulterer and release myself from ever thinking my husband was coming back. I realized I couldn’t start 2014 the same way. Doing the same wrong things and thinking that I would feel better about my actions and thoughts. I thought I could live and enjoy the moment of sin without thinking too much into the future, but I was so unhappy and so very happy at the same time. But the unhappiness started to overtake me. I want a family. I want someone there with me, in the open, meeting family members, going out and not feeling that someone will see us and find out. Someone to share the holidays with. Someone to go through good times and bad times with me. I wanted to go on vacations and introduce him as my boyfriend and I was robbed of all of that. So, I was robbed twice within the same time frame in my life.

First by my ex-husband and then by my “boyfriend.” I call him my boyfriend because that’s what he was in my mind and in my heart. But in reality, we were just close friends. Especially around our mutual friends. And it was so painful sometimes to have to stay in the shadows. So painful to have so much love and to not be able to pour it out the way that I wanted and would have loved to do. And now, I am alone. I have been alone for 11 months. Celibate for 11 months. Waiting for the man that God will send to me. Some days I wait patiently, some days impatiently. Some days happily, some days with tears, staining my face. I could have stayed in that adulterous affair for a longer period of time, just to not be alone, to have a warm body next to me, to have intimacy, but I am not a side chick kinda gal.

I don’t have a second place kinda spirit. I have to be number one in the heart of the man that I love. Hell, my own husband didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t put me first in his heart! I can not and I will not settle for anything less. And on nights like this, I think of both my ex-husband and my “boyfriend.” And I pray for the strength to not love either of them. But they are both in my heart, colliding and intersecting with my emotions and feelings and my fleshly desires. And then I realize, as I type the final sentence in my blog, that I am here, typing away my feelings and being accompanied only by my computer and my loneliness, and they are home, with the ones that they love; with not even a second thought of me.