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I know why people jump into relationships right after a break-up or divorce. You try to keep your brain preoccupied and busy from thinking about the person that you aren’t with. I’m sure it helps a little bit, but let’s face it. You can’t shut your brain off no matter how much or hard you are sexing/loving/talking/laughing with another person that ain’t the one you really want to be with. Even in those rare moments that you aren’t focusing on your ex, it doesn’t take much for a song, or smell, or simple conversation to trigger a memory. And I have two people that I have to get over, ain’t that some shit? I have my ex-husband and my ex-“boyfriend.” And since the ex-husband is going to take a while, seeing how I was with him for half of my life, I have come to accept that long process. But the ex-“boyfriend” healing process is giving me a run for my money too.

Maybe it’s because he doesn’t treat me disgustingly as my ex-husband does. Maybe because he is still very kind and gentle towards me. He could have cussed my ass out and been so rude, but he wasn’t and isn’t. He still makes me laugh and we can talk forever, it’s just that one aspect of the relationship had to go. Is it because we’re both mature enough to understand that this is the right thing to do, and there is no one to blame? Or is it because we are just both humans that don’t want to purposely/intentionally hurt another human being’s feelings? I don’t know. But I am grateful for it because I’m already dealing with an ex-husband who is such a devastatingly awesome, jerk of an asshole. I think if I had to deal with two assholes, I’d have jumped off the roof of a building by now.

I want a relationship and I don’t. I don’t want to bring that much baggage into something new. I will never be able to shut off my memories and feelings, but I damn sure don’t want to still be sad over either of them whenever I do get into a new relationship. I want healing and peace from both. And only time and Jesus Christ can bring it to me. Of course, the memories of both will come down the conveyor belt of thoughts from time to time, I can’t help that, but I don’t want to feel hindered by those thoughts either. Do I make any sense to you? I was watching an episode of True Blood where the character Arlene was comforting Sookie about the loss of Sookie’s boyfriend, Alcide (God bless his were-wolf soul and that six-pack!). And Arlene said, “whether you were prepared or whether it was unexpected, the loss of a man is still a loss. He’s gone. And only time…… and tequila is going to heal you.” LOL!!!! Damn it all to heck! That would be just my luck…..I don’t drink.