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I’m preparing myself from now. This will be the first year since butt-head left, that I will actually allow my kids to spend half of their Christmas break with their father. I am scared, sad, afraid and just don’t want to do it overall. But! I know that this has to happen. I am no longer a part of one. We have become a family divided because of his foolishness and infidelity and now these are the consequences of his actions. We put up the Christmas tree yesterday and it looks so nice. It looks so pretty. And my girls were so happy. But while I’m sitting here, fighting through wave after wave of emotional tsunamis, I just feel a bit of sadness creeping in. I won’t have my girls for a whole week!

And I know that I went to Portugal for a week and left them, but it wasn’t the holidays and it wasn’t because the courts said I had to, you know? I’m envisioning myself just sitting in my house, on my trusty couch, watching tv and wondering what my gremlins will be up to. And knowing that I won’t put them to bed Christmas Eve nor wake up to their wonderment at presents on Christmas Day. But this is my life. And this is the way that it will be from time to time. See, he probably didn’t care that he never experienced these moments after he left because he has her and her child and most selfish people don’t give a crap about these small details anyhow. No matter how hard they claim that they care. I know he doesn’t. He doesn’t have the time nor the will power to care for anyone else other than himself.

But I care. Tremendously. I sometimes think, how can someone just go and get a divorce without the “right” reasons? Just because you want to give up on your marriage and because you think the grass is greener? I mean, there are no “right” reasons, I’m sure, but I do know that divorce based on the ultimate selfish reasons are the worse. And I guess because I don’t have someone in my life right now to occupy my time and attention just makes the focus on my situation 100x magnified. But I can’t get into something with someone right now just to make me lose focus, even if it’s just for the moment. My brain doesn’t shut off. And if you know how to shut it off without the use of illegal drugs, please, let me know!!! 🙂 I even try to take a sleep aid so I can get a few hours of REM, but my emotions and thoughts just inundate me with memories and whatnots.

And they are coming from all over the place. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, all the senses are in an uproar! And there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. I just have to handle it like a woman. And keep it moving. To keep me busy that week that I don’t have them, I decided to volunteer at my church for the prayer line. I guess if I can pray for others and give them hope and help and try to set them at ease with what’s going on in their life, that will make me lose focus off of mine for a hot minute. But then when I get in the car again, it’ll be the same thing all over again. Time is healing me, but I am lonely. I really wish I had someone in my life. The right person for me. 2015 will be waaaay much better, I am sure. That will be the year for my career, my finances, my kids, my faith, and in my personal life, I am SURE God will bless me with a wonderful, God-fearing man.

I finally surrendered my entire being to God. I had to do it. I knew I was blocking my own blessings. And with obedience brings blessings. Won’t He do it?! And maybe with this total surrender will come total healing and peace in my soul. If anyone wanted to get me a Christmas present, there you have it.

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