I kicked Christmas blues’ ass! I didn’t drop not one tear! I wasn’t even sure he would let me see my kids since all he knows is how to be an asshole, but, I was able to spend time with them and I was prepared for not being able to spend time with them as well. My mother in law says that I am getting stronger. I will admit, I still have weak moments, but I really believe that I was at my strongest point since all hell broke out in my life. Since he decided to love himself more than us. But I am glad that I am getting stronger. It helps me to look towards the future with more hope, faith, trust and clarity about life.
And I have to remember that I am getting my girls back at the end of this week and we can have Christmas all over again when they come to my house. I didn’t bring any toys with me because I want to see them opening their gifts over here in our home. All week I had been praying and battling with tough emotions and fighting off sadness and depression with a stick! Believe me, it was hard. But that is why I went to church and volunteered every night. I needed something to help distract me, even if for a little while.
I’m gonna be okay. I am believing this more and more everyday. I don’t know when I will completely be healed from the hurt and betrayal from this divorce, but I know I am getting closer and closer to the end goal. All of this could have been better, but he won’t let go of his anger and just refuses to cooperate on any level. Even though it looks like he was cooperating and playing by the rules by letting me see the kids on Christmas, the man stays with an evil plan. I know that he is just waiting to see if I really go out of town with the kids on New Year’s. He wants to use it as ammo against me in court.
And even if I don’t go out of town, I know he’s still going to take me to court because he’s upset at something else. The fact that I moved away and he has to actually drive to see his kids. The bottom line is, that he’s not happy with himself or the decisions that he has been making in his life. And it’s just simpler to blame me and take it out on me than to be a man and an adult and take responsibility on himself and fix his life. His mom says that he’s blind and he’s comfortable being blind. He doesn’t want to take the blinders off of his eyes. And when she talks about the things that he’s doing, it’s obvious that it bothers her to her core, but he’s a grown man and there’s nothing she nor anyone else can do or say to him to make him live right.
The way that he’s living seems right to him and that’s all that he cares about at this moment. We have to tackle this situation with the same mentality that families have to take regarding addicts within the family. You have to cut them loose, you have to leave them alone and you have to stand back and do nothing until they hit rock bottom. And if they haven’t burned too many bridges, you come back to help them rebuild the pieces of their lives.
I know that I am going to be okay. It just saddens me a lot of the times that he doesn’t want peace between us. That he is comfortable in his anger and just wants to cause tension, stress and friction between us. I’m sure he was DYING to keep the kids from me. He doesn’t want me to be happy at all. But my God does. And as long as my Father wants me happy, my ex can continue to try to make me miserable, but it’s all backfiring on him. I wasn’t gonna be miserable yesterday. And I refuse to be miserable anymore. Like I said in my last entry, I am not going to live in fear anymore. Merry Christmas, y’all!!!!