Even though I am much stronger this year following my divorce, I sometimes still feel these “divorce blahs” as I like to refer to them sometimes. And they just seemingly come out of no where! I don’t understand it. I can be perfectly fine and then all of a sudden, BAM!!!! They hit me right across my jaw! I can usually counteract them by putting on some praise music and praying to Jesus. And it works. I just want to know when and if these “divorce blahs” are going to go away completely.
I read other people’s blogs and it seems like even with a new person in their lives, they are still dealing with “divorce blahs” and I just don’t want to deal with them after having met someone new. I don’t think it’s fair. I mean hell, I have been single for so long, I should not feel aftershocks even then! I am trying to be completely healed from this divorce before engaging in any dating or serious relationship to avoid “divorce blahs”.
Even when I was dealing with the married man, I had the blahs, but let’s be real, I had put myself in an emotional nightmare in that situation. Since I stopped seeing him, my mind is a lot more clearer and I have regained control of my emotions. I was able to redirect my focus more on healing from my divorce.
I wonder sometimes about how I even allowed myself to get into an adulterous affair. It literally felt like it just happened. Like, the rational, moral part of myself just hung a sign on my soul that said, “Out on vacation! Return time is TBD.” I’m just glad that I am back. And that my MIND has returned. And that I realized I was wrong for what I did. I can only apologize for myself.
I even apologized to him because I had moments where I could have completely cut him out of my life even before it had gotten out of hand. It’s just because I was vulnerable and felt unloved and I just got all caught up. I forgave him, and I forgave myself. And I thank God for the Lord’s forgiveness because that is what really matters.
I have even forgiven my ex-idiot and his slutty gf for their adultery in my marriage. But please don’t get it twisted. Forgiveness doesn’t mean I am okay with how he treats me or the girls, or how that heffa doesn’t try to stop him from doing the wrong things to us. God says to forgive, he didn’t say I had to like them or to put up with disrespect or retarded-ness.
But I do forgive them. I have to, or I will never get past the hurt and pain and I will become a bitter person. And there are far too many bitter people in the world. And it wouldn’t be fair to the man that God will send to me.
But back to divorce blahs…at least they are far and few in-between. And I know how to fight them. And I know how to recognize them. And I am not taking the blahs out on my friends and family anymore, especially my kids. I feel like this blog entry is all over the place, but sometimes that is how I am feeling. Writing kinda puts my thoughts into some kind of organized perspective. Even when it’s about the blahs…..