There are some moments where I have so much to write about and then there are moments when I draw complete blanks. And I guess I am drawing more blanks now than before because the ex-husband isn’t bothering me nearly as much as he was previously. I don’t know what happened. Can’t be that he found someone else to take his attention away from him because he already had someone else, and still does. I think that last altercation we had in January did something to him. I can’t tell you if it’s humbled him, or just made him aware of his stupid, selfish nature. But he has been cooperating with me, and being kind. Or, rather, his version of kind.
He’s still not calling his kids and only speaks to them on the days that he comes and gets them, so I couldn’t tell you what’s up with him. And he still doesn’t speak to his mother or his sisters, so there is no one that can tell me whether or not he’s okay. I don’t ask about his relationship with his mistress/gf, so I know that they really aren’t speaking to him because he’s just stuck in his feelings right now, whatever they may be. But my girls are okay, they don’t ask about him and they are content with the way things are, so far.
And it bothers me that he is not in contact with them, but what am I supposed to do? I can’t force anyone to do anything that they don’t want to do. And all he would say is that it is me that is keeping the girls from him and I’d really like to see him try and prove that! I’m glad and disturbed that he is not harassing me right now. It’s almost like that was my entire life for a season. Dealing with him and his madness. My brain hasn’t shut him out completely, unfortunately. I still have thoughts, and feelings still pop up, but I pray them away with the quickness.
I had a dream last night where he actually came back into my life and wanted a relationship with me. She was gone, out of the picture. But he was still the same and was still treating me like crap and not wanting to be respectful towards me or nice to me. And of course, he still didn’t want to go to church with me and the girls. And in the dream, I am doing what I am always doing, trying to love him, but he just refuses to love me the way I need to be loved. And throughout the dream he starts looking old and decrepit. His skin gets all moldy and ashy and his teeth are missing and his hands look like the crept keepers. And I realized, this is the demon that is in him (only my opinion) but this is definitely his true self, coming out, finally revealing itself to me.
And needless to say, I woke up in my dream and he didn’t last not even 24 hours with me. I realized in my dream that he had to go. That he may be pretty on the outside, but he’s damn ugly on the inside and he’s not going to change anytime soon. And in the dream, I started physically fighting against his ugly being and he told me, “I don’t love you and I don’t love my mistress/gf. I don’t know who I love”. And that’s when I woke up from my sleep. It wasn’t a nightmare either. I think it was that message that I needed from God that I had been asking for. To let him go completely. That the ex-husband is not the one for me. And God really showed me his true nature. It was definitely a revelation, the one thing that I definitely have been asking for, for some time now.
I’m glad that I had that dream. And even though there have been other things happening in my life, i.e. my grandma passing away, having to deal with my crazy mother, I am glad that this one chapter in my life, or rather, in my heart, has been closed. I feel as though I am healed. Completely. The anxiety attacks have ceased, and I don’t get all emotional like I used to when I had to talk to him or deal with him or look at him. I still don’t/won’t speak to him because he doesn’t know how to give me respect, but I think I am alright. Man, I hope so because I wouldn’t want to come back later blogging about how I still love him and emotions and yadda, yadda, yadda. LOL!
But I am okay. Still not in a relationship, but I have the best relationship with Jesus Christ. And I’m going to focus on that relationship until He brings me the one that He wants me to be with. I’m happy with my life and my girls and my crazy family. And of course, my job! Love my work. I get so much joy and pleasure from it. You would think I was finding the cure for cancer or something! But I love my job and I am so thankful for it! I’ll just continue to be joyful!!! For myself, my kittens and for the LORD!