I think that my brain may be trying to betray me in some way. The last time I wrote, I said how I had a dream where my ex told me that he didn’t love me nor his mistress/gf. Then last night, I had a dream where the negroid got married to his heffalump! What in the hell?! My question, why?!?!?!?! Why brain?! Why rem sleep?! What have I done to you to deserve this betrayal? I woke up like, huh?????? And I have my clairvoyant moments, but I am not sure if that was one of them. But I did what I have been doing for the last couple weeks, which is praying and giving it to God. I mean, if he married this chick, it’s not gonna affect me in any way. Hell, he’s been living with her since 2013. WHILE we were married, so that’s not gonna bother me. They might as well make it official instead of being an example to my kids on what living in sin looks like.
I couldn’t tell you why I dreamed that dream. It was just weird. And they had the wedding that I wanted and still want. The one where I walk down the aisle and everyone is there. Except, my girls weren’t there at his and neither was the rest of his family. Was this dream from my heart/brain or another dart thrown at me from the enemy, to get me off my focus? Hmmmm…..either way, I didn’t allow myself to get upset. I prayed, I had a conversation with the Almighty and I went about my day, running errands, eating chocolate donuts and watching tv.
I’m tired of dwelling on this failed marriage and divorce. And even though I wish I could move farther away to get completely away from him, my brain is another problem. Can’t shut it off or down. Can’t even numb the damn thing because I don’t do drugs and I don’t drink. So, my only solution is to deal with it, straight on. Mano y mano. Toe to toe. And by straight on I mean I send the Holy Spirit to fight my battles. I don’t have the time nor the strength to deal with that stupidity anymore. Even with these little set-offs, I’m still better than where I was a couple of years back. A few weird dreams isn’t going to throw me off the healing wagon. I’m stronger than that.
There’s other things that will be occupying my brain’s time now. I just signed up for ballroom dance lessons! OH! I can’t wait! I took some private lessons that I got from Groupon and I am in love! In love with dancing and in love with the gay man that has me swooning!!! LOL!!! I feel sexy, I have fun and I feel invigorated with LIFE!!! I always wanted to take lessons with the ex, but he can’t dance to save his life. Now, I don’t need him. I dance with myself! And I love it. And I am feeling more confident about myself, (if that were even possible) and I like that. I think my swag is getting an octane jump! LOL!
I just got a tattoo of my grandmother’s name, too. I loved her so much. And I love the tattoo. I just wish it were a little smaller. But I’ll be fine. It itches like hell. It’s my 4th tattoo. And I think it’ll be my last. There’s nothing else that I want. It’s been two years between my last tattoo and this one, and I am not even considering what else I may get. I mean, if and i do mean IF, I had another kid, I would get there name, just like I did with my girls. But, I am not planning on having any kids in the near future, sooooooo….yeah. I’m done with tattoos. And they hurt too damn much to get something that is cute or artsy. That’s why mine are all meaningful and SMALL. I will not be getting any tattoos of my father nor my mother’s names when they pass. Only this grandma. I have my reasons.
The girls and I are going to NYC next week. YAY!!! Hopefully they will see some snow. But not too much, please, Lord, not too much. Just enough for them to get all giggly and whatnot. And maybe have a snow fight. This was the vacation where they were going to go and meet their great-grandmother. I’ll still take them to her house, so they can see where mommy grew up and spent most of her summers. My dad will enjoy his grandkids. And the girls will finally be able to meet some of my family members. It’ll be nice.
See? I have a life. I have things going on. I don’t always just sit on the couch and date Netflix or go to church. There are things that are keeping me busy. But every so often, my brain betrays me……