Yes, last Saturday was peacefully shocking. Why? Because I was in the same breathing space as my ex and we were at peace. There was no arguing, there was no anxiety, just peace. I couldn’t believe it. But there we were, together, and no drama. Of course, you have to be acknowledged on some level to have drama, right? We were at our oldest daughter’s dress rehearsal and he actually drove all the way up to WPB to see it! I was shocked when he initially asked and then I was shocked when he actually showed up!!!
So, trust me, unbelief was definitely visiting me last week. LOL! And he was by himself which made it all the better. It would have been nicer had he actually acknowledged my existence by looking at me, or talking to me, but alas, I can not force anyone to be sociable. I couldn’t even force him to be a husband and take care of his family, but I digress and I control what I can and give the rest to God. But the girls were very happy to see him and that’s all that matters. And I am glad that we were able to be in the same room without him going retarded and me having to call the cops.
Now, this is without the slutty gf being there. That will be my real test. Whenever that heffa and I have to share the same space. And trust me, I am praying over myself for that one because it will eventually happen. I will leave all my guns and my knife at home on that day because I would prefer to kill her with my bare hands. Wait…I’m sorry. Did I say that out loud? My bad, I’m a Christian and I would never think of doing anything like that….o_O
Anyhoo…..I was happy that Saturday turned out to be such a nice day overall. The only problem is that when I interact with the man on any capacity, my heart starts to reminisce and think and wonder and then I am all into my feelings about wanting my family back together. And I am not alone in thinking this, trust me. If he didn’t feel diddly squat, he wouldn’t have a problem with looking at me or talking to me. I can feel the feelings that he still has through the damn phone whenever we have a verbal conversation. You can tell these things, no matter how much you try to fake the funk.
And I want my family back together. I do. Maybe not the way he is right now, but if he were to give his life to Christ completely and wholly, hell yeah I would take him back. I still love him. I am just not an idiot for him like I was before. The heart wants what the heart wants. And the brain is working overtime to make me see things a different way. And of course, I am praying that the Lord brings me the “better” that everyone and their mama is always saying is on the way from God.
Is Mr. Jamaica better? How the hell would I know, he’s in Jamaica! Everyone is at their best in the beginning of any relationship. And I will never really find out how he is or who he is, if there is not a decent amount of time spent together. Don’t get me wrong, he is much better than the ex in a lot of different ways, but still. Homeboy lives a million miles away. Phone calls and FB messaging is not enough.
I just thanked God for the weekend and I had my moment of wishing my family was together again. Even the girls were talking about me and their father getting back together. Now that part was a little depressing. But at least we weren’t fighting in front of them. So I will be extra happy with that.