I think I must be doing this divorce thing wrong, because every time I hear a story about another person that is or has gone through a divorce and they are dating, I step back and take a look at myself and I wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong where there is no one stepping up to me and trying to date me? Or is it now that in this day and age, I am the one that is supposed to chase after the man? There is so many conflicting opinions and thoughts on this subject.
But it makes me wonder because there is just no one running after me to be with me in any other capacity other than “friend.” And I am definitely attracted to men, but I am not used to being in a position of “the chaser” and the ONE time that I did actually ask a man out, I found out he had a girlfriend. LOL! But that was cool, mainly because he’s a really great person and a man like him doesn’t stay single for very long AT ALL.
Sometimes I look at myself and I wonder if I need to invest in myself. I.E. buying boobs, weaving my hair up, lip injections, make-up lessons and maybe some butt implants. And of course, changing up my wardrobe. I mean, people invest in their home when it’s time to sell it, right? Don’t get me wrong, I am very attractive and I have a grand sense of self-confidence minus the arrogance. It’s just that maybe my looks don’t measure up to what society is portraying as beautiful anymore. Maybe my looks were good for 10 years ago, but now it’s time for an upgrade…?
Yet, my male friends will tell me not to change a thing about myself, that I am beautiful and that all that other stuff that is out there in the world is just razzle, dazzle and that’s not what men want, YET, here I am, real and ready and yet I get nothing. Glimpses, yes. Smiles, sure. But any full fledged requests to go out? No, nope, N-A-D-A.
So, again, I ask…what is wrong with me?
Why can all these other people, that are going through a divorce or have just recently become divorced, find themselves with a new someone else, so much sooner than me? I can’t even count Mr. Jamaica because that was a super short-lived flirtation session. Nothing more. I have not had a relationship of any kind since Dec 2013 when I ended things with the married man.
Why do I want to work on myself and try to change certain things about me? I need to think selfishly and just insist that I am perfect and that it was all my ex’s fault and start living in a narcissistic stupor. I just need to be like one of these women out there that will just date whomever and bring whatever into their homes to take care of them and the kids. And the bills! Don’t forget that the bills need tender, loving care too!
Who am I kidding? I ain’t changing nothing about myself physically, nor will I be chasing after any dudes. It’s just not in my nature. And I damn sure ain’t gonna bring some jive turkey up into my house just because I am lonely and want (not need) help with the bills. I have two little girls that are watching every move that I am making, both good and bad and I’d rather them see more good than bad, ok?
And I want them to see their mother living with a great sense of self-confidence and I want them to see that I happy with the body parts that God has graciously bestowed upon me, regardless of whether or not there is a man around to appreciate them. Plus, they need to see a woman being able to take care of herself and have a life without depending on a man AND without her being mad and bitter. That’s the best example that I can show my little girls. Mommy did all this without being mean and bitter. I don’t want my girls to bring any emotional baggage into their worlds because of the divorce that I went through. I want them to know that all men don’t cheat, don’t leave and don’t abandon.
And I want them to see that I am doing all of this with help from the Lord, with strength from the Lord and with love from the Lord.
And I need to stop wondering if there is anything wrong with me, just because things are not happening as quickly as I would like them to happen. But dang it all to heck if a single moment in time won’t have you doubting yourself…..