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I spoke to my ex-husband for 30 minutes, face to face yesterday. We were laughing smiling and joking. Then he gave me a hug goodbye, got in the car with the kids and left. Cool. He texted me a few short minutes after that and said that he was really happy that we were talking and it was nice and that he appreciated the conversation. I said cool. And I thanked him as well.

He then texted me saying that he wanted to talk to me about something, but we were having such a good conversation that he didn’t know how to work it in. So I told him to call me. Then he texts me that his slutty, trollop, whore, prostitute, jezebel, ghetto-ass, moose of a gf is pregnant. And he wanted to tell me before anyone else told me.

And my world just bottomed out. I called him and I was just floored. Shocked. Stunned and definitely, most definitely and still ultimately so very hurt. I couldn’t even talk to him. Just kept asking: why her? Why? Why?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?

Bad enough you’re still playing house with the bitch that you cheated on me with, now you go and irresponsibly make her a permanent part of your life. Which makes her a permanent part of my life via our children.

WTF, dude?!

You barely got your life in order, obviously, since you are living in your gf’s mother’s house. What the fuck you gonna do with another mouth to feed? You ain’t got money like that, mutha fucker!

And then, God forbid it’s a boy, my kids will once again get overlooked because they are girls and you want a boy. Once again, you will put us on the back burner like you did when you first left.

I thought I was healing from the divorce, but I broke down as if it were the day he actually left. I haven’t stopped crying. This information just reopened my wounds. And my heart is aching all over again.

And I feel so stupid because in the back of my mind and in the front of my heart, I really thought that God would give us another chance at our marriage, eventually. I just kept clinging to that hope. I just kept praying for something, for some sign to show me what was gonna happen.

I guess I got my sign. And it slapped the shit out of me. And I am so hurt. The pain is so intense. I cry periodically throughout the day. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone.

My mother in law isn’t happy about the situation either. No one in his family likes this chick and we all know that the shit is really gonna hit the fan when this kid comes. And my 2 girls, so innocent. They don’t know nor understand the truth and the severity of the stupid decisions that their father does.

How his stupidity will eventually impact their lives. I am so mad!

I tried to pray but I just yelled at God. I haven’t read my bible since yesterday. I haven’t given up on God, but I am mad. I guess this was a door that was going to remain permanently closed. No amount of praying was gonna work.

Life is not fair. This shit is not fair. Now, you gonna flaunt your slut more in front of me and especially if a boy is born. I feel like such a loser. I feel like an idiot and I feel dumb for loving him and keeping this hope in my heart for someone who probably never loved me in the first place.

He claims that he takes all the good memories of us and that’s what he focuses on. But he still cares about me and blah blah blah. Yeah, I bet you do, muthafucker. So much so that you go and get divorced and forget all about us and then, THEN you tell me this shit when we are finally getting along. And you praising me about how good it is to talk to me and then you want to tell me this kind of shit like I was gonna take it well.

I’m so heartbroken….And I don’t know how to get past this. I know that I will, I just feel like I went in reverse. All the hard work that I put into myself just went out the window and down the drain with my tears and my heart.

God, how do I move forward from this?! How do I forgive this?! This is such a huge betrayal. And I have no one to comfort me and focus my attention on. Yes, my mother in law and my friend prayed over me, but where is my man? Would I have reacted as badly if I had had someone in my corner, someone loving me and to whom I could cast my love upon?

I think I would have been upset, but when you have someone, it’s easier to get over what the next person is doing. I don’t have anyone. I just have my thoughts. And they are constantly betraying me too.

Lord, just help me, please. The pain is too much. And I have to start this healing process all over again. Is this the rock bottom that I needed? Everyone needs a rock bottom right? Maybe this is it. Maybe now I will finally and completely let go. Maybe…I hope so…I pray so…I think so…it is.