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Happy 4th of July! I hope that everyone had a good and safe time celebrating today. As for me, I am just sitting at home, by myself. Watching loads of tv and wondering what everyone else in the world is doing. I could have gone out, I could have called people to hang out, but I just felt like being by myself.

Well, at least that’s half true. Truth is, I have no one to be with. On a romantic level… that seems to just consume my mind. Life is really tough to deal with when you are a person that just wants to love someone but there is no one out there (or at least for now) to love on.

I wonder if it’s a Libra thing? We love hard and strong. And it’s tough to deal with, sometimes. I like having alone time too, but it can also be tiring and difficult as well. Especially when the being alone part was not your choice.

But alas!

What am I to do? I’ll just continue living and going on the same way that I have been doing since the forced beginning of the 2nd half of my life. I can’t stop living because life will continue to go on with or without me. So I make the choice to go on with life because I have to, not so much as my wanting to.

I went out on the 3rd and there were so many couples around me. So many people in relationships. Made me wanna barf! Made me sad and definitely made me angry at some moments. It’s funny how you never notice the large amounts of couples in the world where you live until you aren’t a part of that couples world anymore.

Now you’re a single, sliding through singlehood, trying to attach yourself to anything that has given you a glance or has a pulse. And you look around at couples and think to yourself, why and how are they together? What is making them stay together? How the hell did SHE get a man? And what the hell is wrong with me, why don’t I have one?

Yeah, I feel a-ways most times because of my situation. I feel rejected and abandoned and just flat out like garbage because of what I have endured. Even though I  do feel empowered by Christ, I know that my soul still needs much healing because I am constantly praying over myself to stop depression from coming over me. To stop sadness from wrecking havoc over my spirit. And to stop myself from feeling less than worthy of a true, quality love.

I certainly do wish I had the power to just let go and let God and move the hell on without any feelings for the other person. But it’s not in me. And that’s what really hurts. I am one of those people that always has hope in her back pocket. Always has hope in a glass jar, labeled, “BREAK IN CASE OF EMERGENCY”!

And I am always left looking like a fool when hope lets me down.

It was Alfred Lord Tennyson that said, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

That fucker must’ve been drunk when he wrote that, cause that’s a straight up lie if I ever heard one. And I will have to politely (even after the cussing) disagree. I wish my heart had never loved at all. Then I would not feel the pain that I feel every, stinking day.

C’mon BrokenChristianHeart, please, please heal already….

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