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Two of my favorite couples are divorcing. And it saddens me terribly.

Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner.

I know you’re like, O_o

But the reason that it saddens me is because I liked these people. Who cares if I never met them, don’t know them. The simple fact that they are divorcing is what hurts my heart, especially because in my eyes, those two couples seemed so in love with one another. Both couples looked like they were gonna be one of the rare Hollywood couples that lasted forever.

And I transferred my hope for true love in them, since there was obviously no hope for true love in my life at the time when things in my life were, in my opinion, at the worst.

Unfortunately, like everything else in this world, all things must come to an end. I don’t know why or what happened in the marriages of these four people, but the empathy I feel for them and everyone else I come into contact with that is going through divorce is real.

I had hope once. Hope that God would restore my marriage. Hope that the ex would love me once again. Hope that the married lover would love me more than his wife, and hope that God was gonna hear all my prayers and answer all of them, because I was doing everything right, after I finished doing everything wrong…

But my marriage died and has been buried, my ex couldn’t give two cow pies about me and the married lover was never gonna love me more than his wife, that’s a hilarious joke if I ever heard one, and then God, even when I was at my best, took it upon Himself to do what He wanted, when He wanted, in and with my life.

So hope died within me. And love? Please. What about love? Where it at?! I’m not bitter, but I think I am standing at that fine line. Let me tell you about love… I don’t know where it is, who has it or when it’s gonna find me again. And on top of that, the Lord has been convicting me to pray for my ex and his gf. And I look at God like, WTF?! Pray for who and for what?! Pray for your enemies and love them?! Kiss my ass! I can’t do it, Holy Spirit. I want to be obedient, but I can’t do that.

Call it pride, anger, hurt, call it what you want, but I just can’t. I can’t love the one that I want to love, but You want me to pray for and love on the people that destroyed my life?! I don’t remember You to asking me to pray for them to commit adultery! I don’t remember You asking me to pray for them when they were fornicating and plotting destruction on our whole family!

I don’t remember You asking me to pray for my ex to treat me like garbage, but this?! This is what You want from me?! Lord, it’s too much. And I have just enough love for You, God, but not for my enemies. I don’t want to pray for them to be blessed and to live a good life. I want revenge and I want it now.

Not after they die and not 20 years from now. How about we negotiate, Lord? You cause all kinds of turmoil in their lives, multiplied by 100, just like they did to me, and then send me a Godly man for me and my girls and THEN, I’ll pray for my enemies.

But I don’t want to pray for them now when it looks like they are living high on a cloud and I am down here trying to trudge through this valley. Get the hell outta here!

And I know all about forgiveness is for me and not them and yadda, yadda, who gives a damn?! I don’t want to do it! So, I pass that responsibility to the Holy Spirit. And while the Spirit is praying for them, I know He is working on me and in me. And one day, I’ll be able to do it, I’m sure. But today, today just ain’t the day!!!!!

I know I shouldn’t be sad over some people that I don’t even know, but I am. And what will really depress me is that in a few weeks, we’ll see each of them with a new boyfriend and girlfriend, like nothing even happened. And then I’ll be sad that everyone else in the world can find someone except for me.

Sigh, I’m a hot mess. LOL!

As for my “hope” in hope and love…just compare me to California because we are both experiencing a severe drought.