This is exactly how I feel sometimes. I look happy on the outside, but I feel overwhelmingly sad on the inside. Or, I am happy one moment and sad in the very next moment. Right now, in my life, these are the only two emotions that I have got going on. Wait, let me take that back, sometimes I have anger and rage pop up for a visit. But they never last very long.
Sometimes I don’t even know how I keep it together. How I am not in a constant state of depression, somewhere on my living room or bedroom floor in the fetal position, just crying my eyes out or tearing my hair outta my head?
Trust me though, I would really like to be doing those things as my full-time job, but then, what would that achieve? So instead, I walk around, zombie-like. My shell, my liaison to the outside world. Making people feel at ease and letting them know that everything is A-OK!
Inside, my soul, dying for love and wanting to be wanted, eager for the pain and hurt to subside, desperately crying out but those cries only fall on my ears, because telling the truth about how I feel would blow some people’s minds. So I keep those dark thoughts to myself and only tell the Holy Spirit. Because He understands, and I know He’s not going to tell anyone, anything.
Yes, the Holy Spirit. Even though I am a Christian, everything is not peachy-keen. And Jesus told us that when we walk in the Word, there will be strife and chaos, trials and tribulations. But it’s only temporary. And we must give it all up to Him.
The problem that I have with that is that this “temporary” situation has lasted a little too long, in my opinion. I’m tired of fighting. Tired of praying and not seeing certain things coming to pass (I know, not my time, His time). But it is still tiresome. “Let’s not get tired of doing good, because in time we’ll have a harvest if we don’t give up.”-Galatians 6:9.
I know this scripture and I believe in it, but I am tired. I need to see God make a move in my life. I am tired of praying for comfort and a healed heart from this betrayal. Tired of seeing my ex-husband just living his life like me and his children never mattered or existed.
Tired of being stressed by family members that won’t get their shit together but want to come to me for advice on what to do, YET refusing to do what needs to be done at the same time.
Tired of financial responsibilities and living check to check. Tired of not having a man in my life. Tired of being a single parent. Tired of being responsible and selfless and giving up the things that I want in my life in order to get the things that I need. Tired of being obedient to God and feeling like I am not getting anything from it.
Tired, tired, TIRED!!!!!!!
In better terms, I AM EXHAUSTED!
Yet, I keep on going, literally on fumes. Emotional fumes. And I know that I do not have it as bad as some other millions of single parents out there. But this is my situation that I am living, and it is extreme for me. Thank God it’s not worse, but it’s mine and it’s torture.
I wish God would just tell me how to let go and let God. How to not be tired. The Bible is a how-to book, but for whatever reason, I can’t seem to decipher that riddle. And I read it everyday! But HOW do you just let go of someone or something?? HOW? HOW? HOW? I pray. I fast. I read the Bible. I talk to God. I talk to other people. Someone please just tell me how to give this pain up because I would love to just give it to God.
I don’t want it anymore, and I have told Him so. But it’s still there. Everyday it gets a little better, but I want it gone, clean sweep. Tsunami this pain right outta me, please! I want it gone in a New York minute! I don’t want to learn anything from it. I don’t want to have a testimony to tell others of how I got through it. I just want it gone.
I can be a bit dramatic, but nevertheless, I am honestly tired. Of everything. And my pain is real. And that, I am not making up.
This too shall pass…my question is simple: when?