Yesterday was a little rough. Emotionally, that is. For some reason, after church, I just felt like I was spiraling back into a severe depression. And I’m still battling it. And I know what set it off.
I was in my life studies group, having a discussion about the negative titles that we put on ourselves and I said how mine was two titles: Divorced and single mother. And how I have been feeling such shame at having those titles, but now being able to shed those titles because it is not who I am. It is just a situation that was unfairly dealt to me. But I carry around so much shame from it.
I mean, who goes around saying that they can’t wait to grow up and be divorced and raise children by themselves? No one. And even though we can feel strong about being a single mother, no one wants to ever be in that position. Whether it is by choice or not.
Even women that go and get pregnant via sperm banks are hoping to one day get married and have a whole family. And even if you are okay with being divorced, you still don’t go around announcing how happy you are to be divorced. Unless it was from some severe circumstance that you were dealing with, or maybe, like in the case of my ex, you’re just a dick without any kind of remorse for the pain that you have inflicted upon your entire family.
Either way, I have been carrying around these two titles and believing the lie that those titles are what defines me. It will still take me some more time to get over that kind of thinking, of course.
But yesterday, I was in prayer pretty much most of the day. And the night. Yes, I was under attack while I slept. Let me be honest, I was under attack for the last couple of nights, dreaming about that slut gf. But this time, she was apologizing to me and asking if my ex could come back to her. But I wasn’t trying to hear what she had to say and I just kept asking God to remove those kinds of thoughts from my mind.
This is tough for me. I feel so powerful most days, and other days, not so much. And I can’t even enjoy my sister in law’s pregnancy because she is pregnant the same time as the slut gf and I can’t bear to look at her or talk to her. And I definitely will not be going to her baby shower because the slut will be there. It’s too painful, man.
And I don’t have to, nor do I want to deal with it. Once that baby is here, that’ll be the end of me. The real end of me being a part of that family.
I don’t want to admit it or say it, but I think that I hate my ex. I hate everything that he did to me and the girls. EVERYTHING. And I know that he is just living his life, but that is what is so painful too. He’s just living like I wasn’t a thought in the world to him.
And the other painful thought is that I am constantly thinking of him and her and what coulda, woulda and shoulda been. What they are doing. How is their lives together “better” than the life I had with him? Are they as happy as he likes to throw in my face? I feel like someone robbed my life and gave me this supplementary life instead.
I wish I could just forget about it all. Him, her, EVERYTHING. But nothing works. I don’t drink, I can’t do drugs because I could lose my job, and praying to forget doesn’t seem to work at all. Nothing short of a bullet in the head will work to help me get over all this pain and hurt.
I am not Paul and I am not Jesus. And I don’t believe that I should have to go through this bullshit. Seriously, I am no one special that I should be going through this type of shit. I’m sure that everyone that is going through crap has had the same thought. It’s just so frustrating, that’s all.
Everyone else is going on in their personal lives and I just feel stuck. Like, if I don’t have anyone else in my life, then all I am going to think about is that fool and what he’s doing. But there are people out there that are single and have gone through crap and they are not dwelling on their old life like I am.
No matter how hard I try not to, I just can’t seem to stop thinking about it. I listened to a butt-load of pastors yesterday, I prayed, I wrote down my prayers, I did my bible study entries, hell, I even cleaned the house!!! And my brain was still on one thing and one thing only. One day my brain and heart will stop with the flip flopping. I just want to be up and that’s it. I don’t want anymore good and bad days.
I want to know that I am healed completely and that is that. And you know what?! I am going to declare that I am completely healed in the name of Jesus! Even when I don’t feel like I am, I will. I am tired and the devil is a liar. I refuse to give in to this crap anymore.
I’m taking back my power. And that’s the end of that.
2015, adultery, advice, affair, alone, anger, calm, cheating, children, choices, christian, christian divorce, christians, comfort, depression, divorce, emotions, ex-husband, family, family issues, fearless, feeling, feelings, freedom, friendship, God, God's will, happy, healing, heart
Did you guys see that movie, War Room? It is a Christian movie about fighting through prayer. It was awesome! I plan on seeing it again. I think I’ll take my gremlins with me the next time. Never too soon to prepare them for battle! I just bought my oldest the prettiest, NLT bible the other day. She already has like, 2 others, but I want her to be able to understand what she’s reading. NIV can be a little tricky and even though the NKJV is okay, it can still be a little confusing.
I wish I had had access to the NLT (New Living Translation) bible when I was younger. I had to suffer through the King James version for years! I had no clue what I was reading, which made it harder for me to understand what God was saying. The NLT, in my opinion, is straight up English. Layman terms, if you will. I love it, it’s great! And I can’t wait to read it with her!
OAN: I’ve been having some weird ass dreams. For 2-3 days, I had dreams of the ex. And he was back in my life, as a husband or something. O_O….
I couldn’t even believe! I couldn’t even believe it in the dream! And it was in my gosh darn head! LOL!!! He was there, and I was skeptical and looking at him sideways in the dream. And I told him he had to leave. To go back to the sluf heffa. And he wouldn’t go. But then there was a dream where he was there, and she called him, apologizing to him for what she had done and asking him to come back and he was looking at me, smiling (what for, I have no idea) and he just kept telling her no.
And I kept telling him he had to go. I didn’t want him anymore. Especially since she was his baby mama. Who the hell wants to deal with that bullshit? Not me. I had the feeling that he wanted to go back to her anyways, as if he was struggling between the thoughts of who he wanted to be with, but he wouldn’t budge.
So, in the middle of that dream, I started rebuking the dream in the name of God. I swear I did. I was that aware. I told God to take this crap outta my head, that I was not falling for this mess again. The mess where I dream of reconciliation and then I wake up to the nightmare that was my life and the divorce.
I don’t think that dream was from God. It’s been two days since I rebuked those dreams in the name of Jesus and I haven’t had another one since. I wonder, why? Why and what does the enemy want with me? I am no one. And he already took my husband and destroyed my marriage, what more does he need?
I’m no one of great societal importance. I don’t do anything in the church that is in the leadership position. So why attack me? But I realized that it’s my peace. It’s my faith and my trust in the Lord that he wants. And he goes through weak vessels, i.e. the ex, to try to get at me.
A year or two ago, that kind of dream would have restarted my belief in praying for my marriage to be restored and thinking hard that my family would have been reconciled and we would be one happy family again.
Wrong answer! I am stronger and I have my heart, will and thoughts aligned with those of the Lord’s. I refuse to fall victim to the wiles of the enemy ever again, as long as I can help it. And with the strength from the Holy Spirit, I will.
I’m still not talking to my ex, but I forgive him. I still have anger, and hurt and pain that needs to be dealt with, but everyday gets better. I know how to fight now. By praying and giving it all to the Lord. And when my ex or my mother and my brothers come at me hard, I go to the Lord all the more hard with my prayers and I then leave it alone.
Control is a super hard thing to give up as a human being. But it’s either stay a control freak with a full head of gray hair, or give it up to the Lord and stay looking fabulous and at peace! I choose the latter, if you don’t mind… 🙂
I did have a dream that I went to Hawaii, though. I’m going to hope that that was all GOD, I could use a tropical vacation….lmboooooo. Bless me, ABBA! Hawaii, here I come!
My ex really has no respect for me whatsoever. None, zero, zilch! And I am baffled as to why?! I keep asking myself and God over and over, why does this man treat me as badly as he does? What did I do to deserve such ill-treatment and disrespect?
Is that what happens when you commit adultery and fall in love with the person that you leave your family for? You just treat them like total and utter crap? Now, especially that you’re having a baby with your sluf gf?
Hey! I have TWO kids from you, I think I should still receive a little respect, don’t you? I mean, hell, you are always barking about how you want respect, yet, you never give it nor show it.
And the only way we get along is by not communicating. That is not right. It’s like we just keep brushing things under the table and then when we have to communicate, it blows the fuck up.
Why am I blogging about something negative after two positive posts? Story of my fucking life sometimes, I swear.
Tomorrow is Labor Day and he decided to keep the kids without telling me that he was. Just a simple, I will bring them back on Monday would have sufficed. He is supposed to take them on days that fall on his weekend and are holidays, but there are times when he doesn’t. In fact, he hasn’t done it in a very long while. So, today, I’m waiting at home and I get no phone call, text, email, NOTHING. I have to call his mother to tell him to call me because he wasn’t answering his phone when I called.
What an asshole.
I still ask the question, “who the FUCK IS THIS PERSON?!” And no one can answer it for me. Lord, why, why, why and WHAT THE FUCK?!
I never cheated, and even when he was cheating, I was still trying to be nice and polite until I couldn’t continue being a doormat.
But it says in the bible that bad company corrupts and this man has been the WORST ever since he started messing with this chick. I swear, she must be satan’s child, because my ex has turned into a total, utter monster/DEMON.
I didn’t cry, and I am not going to allow it to mess my whole night up, but damn it all to hell. I am tired of his shit. Communicate, muthafucker!!! You open your fucking mouth to scream at me and call me out of my name, but when it comes to shit like this, you shut the fuck up. wheretheydothatat????????
I immediately prayed before I talked to him and after. It still makes me angry, which is why I am blogging my feelings right now. So sick of him and his shit.
Makes me wonder if he ever cared for me, loved me, liked me, anything? Or were you just there until your “real, true love” came into your life?
Get this, we got off the phone at 8:10 and he texts me at 8:15 saying that I didn’t have to hang up on him and I don’t have to be rude…..see what the fuck I have to deal with? I can’t tell if he relayed our conversation to his hoe and she told him to do it, or if he decided being a super-dick tonight would be funny.
He really thinks this is all funny and a joke; the things that he says and does to me. He doesn’t take anything seriously unless it’s me fucking up the plans for his life. I don’t think he cares one iota for me. And no one could tell me different. I don’t give a shit if he were to come to me and sit me down for a whole 8 hours and explain how he did love me once upon a time. Actions speak so much louder than words. And his actions are screaming at me.
I will not text back. I will not give him the satisfaction of a back and worth.
Hey y’all! What’s the haps?! Things in my world have been cool. Let’s see, what do I have to report…absolutely nothing. Nothing other than I have been healing and really seeing and feeling the healing of my mind and heart, spirit and soul.
No more crying or feeling bothered by the ex. I think that baby that he is having with his slut gf, freed me from any hope of reconciliation. So, I can be grateful for that release. It’s still hurtful because that slut will be in my life because of the DNA shared between her child and my children and that will always be painful.
But I know that I no longer feel like I want my marriage reconciled or restored. She can keep him. He’s not doing anything in his life worth being jealous about. She didn’t steal/take anything that was that much of value from me. She did break my marriage apart, but, I have been more well off since he’s been gone.
I was thinking about it this morning when I woke up. He hasn’t improved in any aspect of his life, after all, they are living in HER MOTHER’S HOUSE. And now, he’s supposedly looking to move and rent a house, but he has no money. Neither of them. And he’s just making more and more financial mistakes. And because he doesn’t learn from his mistakes, he’s just going to continue slide into financial hell. But hey’re happy! Yep, wait until that baby arrives.
Kids are expensive and that negro loves his money. And he’s selfish. So, we’ll just stayed tuned…lol. He was trying to start an argument with me a week ago and I shut him down. If that’s the kind of attention he wants from me (cause he ain’t getting it any other way), it’s still not going to work. I refuse to argue with him. And I think it bothers him that I have been ignoring him.
But I don’t have time for people that do not respect me. And he’s always calling me out of my name. So…no. No more attention. I barely speak to him via text or email, much less over the phone. I truly have gotten to the place of wanting absolutely nothing to do with him. So sad. But this is about self-preservation.
Spiritually, I am growing stronger and stronger. I have been giving so much up to the Lord. And really giving it to the Lord. I just can’t do it all myself anymore. I was going crazy. And I am about to start going to two life study groups to make me stronger. I’m excited! It’s a chance to get more and more involved in my church. Something that never wanted to do before, but this church is just so awesome and they make me wanna get involved.
On top of dealing with my marriage falling apart, the divorce and the constant feeling of rejection and loneliness, I was dealing with stress from my mother and my two brothers. And I had to let all three of them go.
I, unfortunately had to tell my mother that I didn’t want to be in communication with her until she got her life together. And I mean it. She is allowing herself to be abused by my brothers and I just couldn’t sit back and watch the abuse any longer.
And I’m not talking about physical abuse. I’m talking about emotional, mental and financial abuse. My mother is always enabling my brothers and bailing them out of their problems that they put themselves in and making her feel guilty about what THEY DID.
My mother fell for their crap each time. And you can tell that the stress of what my brothers were doing in their lives was starting to manifest itself physically on her skin, as well as her hair falling out in clumps. And my brothers are just going on with their lives, not giving a shit about the stress they are putting on her.
At 25 and 22, I can no longer give them a pass. Especially when one of them is a father with 2 kids that he doesn’t have parental rights to.
I just pretty much divorced my family.
It felt like crap. But I had to do it. Talking wasn’t helping because no one was listening. So I removed myself from the situation. My mother wasn’t happy with my decision, but I love her. And if she doesn’t want me to have resentment and bitterness towards her, she just has to accept my decision to distance myself from them.
I love all of them, and I miss all of them and I forgive all of them, but I just can’t be a front seat witness to the chaos and madness. When you are constantly seeing your mother crying, and upset and stressed out, it will take it’s toil on you. Just like when I witnessed her being physically abused by her 2nd husband.
I couldn’t separate myself from her then, because I was trying to protect her. Also, I was a child. But now, I have to separate myself now because I see that she is allowing herself to be abused by my brothers. Even though she claims she won’t help them and she puts her foot down, it’s like those boys know to say the right words to chop her foot off and that wallet opens up and the little bit of money that her husband has, comes out.
And it’s not even my mother’s money that these boys are sucking up! It’s her husband’s and my grandmother’s SS money. And they don’t care. My mother needs to pray that her marriage doesn’t dissolve because of all the retarded-ness that my brothers have done in the past, present and most likely in the future.
On a more positive note, I have been sleeping in my bed more often. If you’ve been following my blog from the beginning, you’d understand. I was always on my couch. ALWAYS. But the peace of mind that I have now, it’s making me be able to sleep in my bed. I don’t know why exactly, but maybe it’s because I was sleeping in a big ole bed by myself and it made me feel a certain way. So, I escaped to the couch. Hell, it’s comfy too!
I still don’t have a man, and I’m not dating either. But I’m cool with that. The man is coming soon, I need only to chill and be still. I am still going out and having a life with my friends, but that’s about it.
There was a man that asked me out, but he never came through. And I ain’t chasing after no man, sorry sir! Didn’t chase after the cheating ass husband, and I ain’t gonna start now.
I developed a weird habit of going on craigslist and reading the personal ads, though. LOL! I love reading the crazy that is out there. Sometimes you see an ad that seems “real” but chile, boo. Ain’t nobody got time for that! LOL! I just enjoy reading them, and I haven’t joined any online dating sites, either.
I’m old-fashioned. I can wait until someone wants to set me up, or until a man just walks up and wants to reveal his intentions to want to be with me.
My birthday is in a couple of weeks and I am so excited! I will be 36 and still fabulous! LMBOOOOOOO!!! I don’t have anything huge planned, but I just love birthdays. So even if I don’t go out, I can and will have a great day. I will have my girls on my birthday and even if we go to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate, I’ll be fine. LOL!!!
I am loving life! HOLLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!