Hey y’all! What’s the haps?! Things in my world have been cool. Let’s see, what do I have to report…absolutely nothing. Nothing other than I have been healing and really seeing and feeling the healing of my mind and heart, spirit and soul.
No more crying or feeling bothered by the ex. I think that baby that he is having with his slut gf, freed me from any hope of reconciliation. So, I can be grateful for that release. It’s still hurtful because that slut will be in my life because of the DNA shared between her child and my children and that will always be painful.
But I know that I no longer feel like I want my marriage reconciled or restored. She can keep him. He’s not doing anything in his life worth being jealous about. She didn’t steal/take anything that was that much of value from me. She did break my marriage apart, but, I have been more well off since he’s been gone.
I was thinking about it this morning when I woke up. He hasn’t improved in any aspect of his life, after all, they are living in HER MOTHER’S HOUSE. And now, he’s supposedly looking to move and rent a house, but he has no money. Neither of them. And he’s just making more and more financial mistakes. And because he doesn’t learn from his mistakes, he’s just going to continue slide into financial hell. But hey’re happy! Yep, wait until that baby arrives.
Kids are expensive and that negro loves his money. And he’s selfish. So, we’ll just stayed tuned…lol. He was trying to start an argument with me a week ago and I shut him down. If that’s the kind of attention he wants from me (cause he ain’t getting it any other way), it’s still not going to work. I refuse to argue with him. And I think it bothers him that I have been ignoring him.
But I don’t have time for people that do not respect me. And he’s always calling me out of my name. So…no. No more attention. I barely speak to him via text or email, much less over the phone. I truly have gotten to the place of wanting absolutely nothing to do with him. So sad. But this is about self-preservation.
Spiritually, I am growing stronger and stronger. I have been giving so much up to the Lord. And really giving it to the Lord. I just can’t do it all myself anymore. I was going crazy. And I am about to start going to two life study groups to make me stronger. I’m excited! It’s a chance to get more and more involved in my church. Something that never wanted to do before, but this church is just so awesome and they make me wanna get involved.
On top of dealing with my marriage falling apart, the divorce and the constant feeling of rejection and loneliness, I was dealing with stress from my mother and my two brothers. And I had to let all three of them go.
I, unfortunately had to tell my mother that I didn’t want to be in communication with her until she got her life together. And I mean it. She is allowing herself to be abused by my brothers and I just couldn’t sit back and watch the abuse any longer.
And I’m not talking about physical abuse. I’m talking about emotional, mental and financial abuse. My mother is always enabling my brothers and bailing them out of their problems that they put themselves in and making her feel guilty about what THEY DID.
My mother fell for their crap each time. And you can tell that the stress of what my brothers were doing in their lives was starting to manifest itself physically on her skin, as well as her hair falling out in clumps. And my brothers are just going on with their lives, not giving a shit about the stress they are putting on her.
At 25 and 22, I can no longer give them a pass. Especially when one of them is a father with 2 kids that he doesn’t have parental rights to.
I just pretty much divorced my family.
It felt like crap. But I had to do it. Talking wasn’t helping because no one was listening. So I removed myself from the situation. My mother wasn’t happy with my decision, but I love her. And if she doesn’t want me to have resentment and bitterness towards her, she just has to accept my decision to distance myself from them.
I love all of them, and I miss all of them and I forgive all of them, but I just can’t be a front seat witness to the chaos and madness. When you are constantly seeing your mother crying, and upset and stressed out, it will take it’s toil on you. Just like when I witnessed her being physically abused by her 2nd husband.
I couldn’t separate myself from her then, because I was trying to protect her. Also, I was a child. But now, I have to separate myself now because I see that she is allowing herself to be abused by my brothers. Even though she claims she won’t help them and she puts her foot down, it’s like those boys know to say the right words to chop her foot off and that wallet opens up and the little bit of money that her husband has, comes out.
And it’s not even my mother’s money that these boys are sucking up! It’s her husband’s and my grandmother’s SS money. And they don’t care. My mother needs to pray that her marriage doesn’t dissolve because of all the retarded-ness that my brothers have done in the past, present and most likely in the future.
On a more positive note, I have been sleeping in my bed more often. If you’ve been following my blog from the beginning, you’d understand. I was always on my couch. ALWAYS. But the peace of mind that I have now, it’s making me be able to sleep in my bed. I don’t know why exactly, but maybe it’s because I was sleeping in a big ole bed by myself and it made me feel a certain way. So, I escaped to the couch. Hell, it’s comfy too!
I still don’t have a man, and I’m not dating either. But I’m cool with that. The man is coming soon, I need only to chill and be still. I am still going out and having a life with my friends, but that’s about it.
There was a man that asked me out, but he never came through. And I ain’t chasing after no man, sorry sir! Didn’t chase after the cheating ass husband, and I ain’t gonna start now.
I developed a weird habit of going on craigslist and reading the personal ads, though. LOL! I love reading the crazy that is out there. Sometimes you see an ad that seems “real” but chile, boo. Ain’t nobody got time for that! LOL! I just enjoy reading them, and I haven’t joined any online dating sites, either.
I’m old-fashioned. I can wait until someone wants to set me up, or until a man just walks up and wants to reveal his intentions to want to be with me.
My birthday is in a couple of weeks and I am so excited! I will be 36 and still fabulous! LMBOOOOOOO!!! I don’t have anything huge planned, but I just love birthdays. So even if I don’t go out, I can and will have a great day. I will have my girls on my birthday and even if we go to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate, I’ll be fine. LOL!!!
I am loving life! HOLLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!