Yesterday was a little rough. Emotionally, that is. For some reason, after church, I just felt like I was spiraling back into a severe depression. And I’m still battling it. And I know what set it off.
I was in my life studies group, having a discussion about the negative titles that we put on ourselves and I said how mine was two titles: Divorced and single mother. And how I have been feeling such shame at having those titles, but now being able to shed those titles because it is not who I am. It is just a situation that was unfairly dealt to me. But I carry around so much shame from it.
I mean, who goes around saying that they can’t wait to grow up and be divorced and raise children by themselves? No one. And even though we can feel strong about being a single mother, no one wants to ever be in that position. Whether it is by choice or not.
Even women that go and get pregnant via sperm banks are hoping to one day get married and have a whole family. And even if you are okay with being divorced, you still don’t go around announcing how happy you are to be divorced. Unless it was from some severe circumstance that you were dealing with, or maybe, like in the case of my ex, you’re just a dick without any kind of remorse for the pain that you have inflicted upon your entire family.
Either way, I have been carrying around these two titles and believing the lie that those titles are what defines me. It will still take me some more time to get over that kind of thinking, of course.
But yesterday, I was in prayer pretty much most of the day. And the night. Yes, I was under attack while I slept. Let me be honest, I was under attack for the last couple of nights, dreaming about that slut gf. But this time, she was apologizing to me and asking if my ex could come back to her. But I wasn’t trying to hear what she had to say and I just kept asking God to remove those kinds of thoughts from my mind.
This is tough for me. I feel so powerful most days, and other days, not so much. And I can’t even enjoy my sister in law’s pregnancy because she is pregnant the same time as the slut gf and I can’t bear to look at her or talk to her. And I definitely will not be going to her baby shower because the slut will be there. It’s too painful, man.
And I don’t have to, nor do I want to deal with it. Once that baby is here, that’ll be the end of me. The real end of me being a part of that family.
I don’t want to admit it or say it, but I think that I hate my ex. I hate everything that he did to me and the girls. EVERYTHING. And I know that he is just living his life, but that is what is so painful too. He’s just living like I wasn’t a thought in the world to him.
And the other painful thought is that I am constantly thinking of him and her and what coulda, woulda and shoulda been. What they are doing. How is their lives together “better” than the life I had with him? Are they as happy as he likes to throw in my face? I feel like someone robbed my life and gave me this supplementary life instead.
I wish I could just forget about it all. Him, her, EVERYTHING. But nothing works. I don’t drink, I can’t do drugs because I could lose my job, and praying to forget doesn’t seem to work at all. Nothing short of a bullet in the head will work to help me get over all this pain and hurt.
I am not Paul and I am not Jesus. And I don’t believe that I should have to go through this bullshit. Seriously, I am no one special that I should be going through this type of shit. I’m sure that everyone that is going through crap has had the same thought. It’s just so frustrating, that’s all.
Everyone else is going on in their personal lives and I just feel stuck. Like, if I don’t have anyone else in my life, then all I am going to think about is that fool and what he’s doing. But there are people out there that are single and have gone through crap and they are not dwelling on their old life like I am.
No matter how hard I try not to, I just can’t seem to stop thinking about it. I listened to a butt-load of pastors yesterday, I prayed, I wrote down my prayers, I did my bible study entries, hell, I even cleaned the house!!! And my brain was still on one thing and one thing only. One day my brain and heart will stop with the flip flopping. I just want to be up and that’s it. I don’t want anymore good and bad days.
I want to know that I am healed completely and that is that. And you know what?! I am going to declare that I am completely healed in the name of Jesus! Even when I don’t feel like I am, I will. I am tired and the devil is a liar. I refuse to give in to this crap anymore.
I’m taking back my power. And that’s the end of that.