I’m still a jumble of emotions, that much has not changed. It’s just that now my emotions include thinking about whether or not I want to date this person that has entered my life. The one that I was blogging about having, the one that I was seemingly praying for, and now that he’s here and interested, I don’t know how to let him in to my life.
Hmmm, life is so damn tricky and messed up, ain’t it? You pray, think, believe and hope for someone good to come into your life and when they do, you act like a douch and don’t know how to let go of all your trust issues, your hurt and pain. Well, at least, that is what is happening to me right now.
It’s been very nice having him around. He was always a good friend to me when we were kids and he has been such a sweetheart to me as an adult. I’m just not used to his caliber of man. He thinks of me, he pulls out my chair, he is going to cook me dinner, I mean, he is courting me and wants to be around me (and my girls) without anything stopping him from doing so, except for my attitude.
I’m not being mean to him or anything like that, but I am not used to a man treating me this way. My ex-husband, hell, we were kids that grew up together, so we didn’t court or anything like that. And he never really put me first if he wasn’t getting anything out of it for himself. And the married lover, he treated me well, but come on…I was never going to get all of his attention or his time or his love.
But this guy, I just don’t know how to handle someone wanting to be a gentleman and wanting to do right by me and praying with me, going to church with me and actually believing as strongly as I do in Jesus Christ. It’s very scary. I really want to ask him why the hell he wants to cook me dinner? Like, what’s that about?!
I think I have turned or am starting to turn into one of those chicks that don’t know a good thing until it’s gone. One of those chicks that just want the bad boy and not the good guy. Cause he’s nothing like anyone that I have ever dated, been involved with in my entire life, and it’s not that many. But still, he doesn’t look nor act like a man that I am normally attracted to.
I think there’s something wrong with me.
I don’t want to scare or push him away, but I also don’t want to jump into anything serious anytime soon. I am okay with us being just friends and hanging out, but I think he wants a little more than that, and I just can’t give him what he wants. I know that I am still hurt and feeling rejected from my ex-husband and the married man. I know that it is going to take more than a minute to get them out of my system, because they were both such a huge part in my life.
Letting go is never easy. But it would be a shame and it would be a disservice to this man, a good man, a Godly man to bring the baggage that I have from them into what could be a beautiful relationship with him or anyone else for the matter.
Sometimes, I think that I probably need a little more time to be by myself and just focus on God, and other times I think that I just need to stop acting like a scaredy punk and just let things progress they way that they should. Even if it is at a snail’s pace. Nothing wrong with taking your time and figuring things out, right? After all, the tortoise did beat the hare.
I’m not going to read or do too much in this case. And I already know that my heart is not the one making any decisions in this situation. This is all brain. I just hope that my brain isn’t going to cause me to miss out on something that could be real and good.
You guys, just please keep praying for me.
It’s funny, the ones that I wanted, didn’t want me back. Now I have one that wants me and I am perplexed and befuddled….wth?! Ain’t that the way of the universe?????