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I am having a bad bout of depression this weekend. I cancelled my evening with my friend, yesterday. I didn’t go to church today, I just watched it online. I read my bible but I couldn’t tell you what I read.

I’m just going through the motions of life. At least I can be depressed and work through my depression by myself until the girls come back tonight. Then I can put on my “everything’s alright” mask.

I wanted to cry at certain points this weekend and I couldn’t. I don’t even know what I would be crying over at this point! How long, people? How long? It’s been a total of 4 years since the ex split. And a year since the divorce. Am I so pathetic that it looks like it’ll take a millennium to get over my hurt and pain? It makes me feel like I’m a loser.

Like I’m so retarded enough to stay in pain over someone who literally doesn’t give a shit about me, as seen by their actions on clearly moving on with their life with someone else. Trust me, I pray everyday to be released from my pain.

I signed up to go to Divorce Care at my church, starting next week. I need help. More help, cause it’s not getting better for me. If I’m being honest, it’s getting worse. I just camouflage my emotions extremely well.

The group is counselling for people going through divorce or separation. Or have been divorced and are having a hard time with the aftermath. Like me…

So I guess I’ll be with like minded people, feeling feelings that we wish would go the fuck away. I own up to how I am feeling, I have accepted the whole divorce and now this new baby. What else do I have to do, to be whole again?!

I’m not chasing after my ex or anything like that, and I pray constantly to let go and let God, so what is it about me that I can’t release this pain?! The depression sucks, I have to fake being happy most times.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have happy moments, but sometimes… I just want to make sure that I’m OK so that I can be there for my girls. I don’t want them to ever see me like this. Cause I know depression can get worse over time. And I’m tired of the façade.

I’m gonna try and stay encouraged. I’m gonna try.