My goodness! I have become the office therapist! O_O
I don’t know why, either. But this is the second time this week that someone has told me that I am a good listener. I always knew that I was a good cheerleader for people. I am a born encourager. I love bringing out the best in people that they don’t see within themselves. I love giving people real, helpful, God-filled advice. I love seeing the world through optimistic eyes. A smile and a compliment goes a long way for a lot of people.
And of course, I love doing this when it is for other people, but when it comes to my own life, I’m a damn wreck. WTF?! Isn’t that usually the way? But, people come into my office and they talk and we laugh and I listen. And I think they leave feeling better than when they came in. And even when I talk to my friends on the phone, I can tell when they want to let loose. And I let them let loose on me. Sometimes, with some of them, I just let them take over the conversation. Most of my friends aren’t listeners. I have a few, though, that listen to my overwhelming, consistently constant, diatribe of garbage-y ass emotions that I’m feeling.
You know, the whole betrayal, divorce, depression, loneliness, anger, bitterness, suicidal thoughts and feelings that run rampant up/down, in/out of my brain from time to time. And that’s only when I am ready to share those deep, dark feelings. Most times, I keep the really dark stuff to myself because I don’t want them to think that I would really act on those feelings. People are so quick nowadays to just jump to the conclusion that you are going to hurt yourself.
I’m not going anywhere and I’m not going to do anything to myself or anybody else. I’m too vain. And, most importantly, I don’t want to! I just have those dark moments that we all have and sometimes I just need to express those thoughts and just get them out of my head.
I just find it funny that people come to me to talk and get advice. I really wanna say, “look at my life! Does it look like I have it all together?!” But, if you really look outside in, it does look like I have it all together.
I have a career, I have two healthy, beautiful kids, a nice car, a nice apt, friends and family that care about and love me. The only thing that I don’t have is a husband, and that is what I couldn’t control. And I don’t have a boyfriend because I don’t want anyone to come along on this wreck of a roller coaster ride. No one should have to endure that kind of pain. LOL. I want to be whole before the next man comes a-knocking.
I know my life could have been a lot worse and I do thank God every moment of the day for everything and everyone that I have. It’s just this pesky heart, that’s all; that makes me ungrateful at times. Makes me think things, do things and analyze all the WRONG things in my life instead of focusing on all the right stuff.
I sometimes wish God was just as good a listener as me. And I wish that He would just grant me all the desires of my heart, including the ones that do not line up with His will. Just be my genie in the bottle, please. Then everything will work out the way that I want it to. Yeah right….
I know better. But that doesn’t mean bumpkins to me right now or any other time I am in this state of mind.
Paul said it best, “Romans 7:15-20 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”
I just want to do what I want to do and not give a damn about consequences from my actions.
I wish I were like other people that just go through life all la-dee-da. No stress, carefree, not giving a damn if bills get paid, just total faith that everything is going to work out in the time that it is supposed to work out. Those people that can let go of someone if they walk out of their lives and just be like, oh well! NEXT!!!!!!!
My problem is that I feel too damn much. I’m chock full of emotions. Someone please tell me how to turn those fuckers off. I need to kick feelings to the curb. I need to be able to not have a conscious and not FEEL anything but the pleasure and nothing else.