Alrighty then! I survived my first class! YAY!!!!!!! I’m so happy! I had a few “DUH” and “DOH!!!” moments, but my brain cells have been kick started back into learning. LOL! I attempted a cartwheel when I submitted my last assignment, but my body took a vote and decided against it and shut the hell down.
It sucks when you are so “young” at heart and mind and your body looks at you and says, “sit your old, creaky bones ass down!!!” I realize that it is just looking out for me. Keeping me safe. LMBOOOOOOO!
I was happy, nonetheless. I’m happy. I am so glad and so excited that I finally made the decision to go back to school. And my girls see Mommy doing her homework and it makes them want to do their homework. And I show them my grades for the assignments and let them know hey! Mommy has to do good or she’ll get in trouble too! We’re encouraging each other in this process, cause 3rd grade is a BEAST! But thank God my little one is in VPK. I can at least handle that homework. LOL!
Other than school, everything else in my world is cool. The ex is not harassing me because I don’t give him a chance too. As long as I don’t contact him, we’re cool. Lord, I hope that changes this DECADE. Please pray for him to grow the hell up and just treat me with respect. That’s all I want and deserve. We don’t have to be “pals” just cordial.
Still no boyfriend. And still celibate. And both by choice. There are moments when I am feeling a certain way and I feel like I’m going to give in to either one or the other, but I pray and push through the feelings. It’s best to wait and just give my heart and mind time to heal. Best for me and for the future person that God sends into my life. I won’t lie though, sometimes I feel like jumping on the first man that smiles and gives me a compliment! It’s been tough. But God gives me His grace to get through this and anything else in life.
I’ve been reading the book, The Wait, by DeVon Franklin and it is quite good! It is just re-iterating most of the things I know about being celibate and doing things God’s way. And of course, it is teaching me some new things as well. This book is about how he and his wife, Meagan Good, decided to date God’s way, by waiting until after they were married to have sex. And both were celibate before they met. Not virgins, but celibate. It’s good to know that their are “others” out here on the same journey that I am on.
Most times, when you tell people that you are celibate, they look at you like you have lobsters crawling out of your ears…
But I’ve made enough mistakes in my life and I want to do all things right or at least better, this time around. No matter how long it takes. I am just tired of doing the same things and getting the same results…BUPKISS!!! Do I miss sex, hell YES! But will my rewards from Heaven be greater because of my obedience to my Heavenly Father? You damn skippy! Delayed gratification is worth what is promised to me.
Let’s see, I have been celibate since December 2013. And I’ve almost slipped a couple of times, but thankfully, God intervened. And those were the moments where I was mad as hell that He did, but I can look back and say, Hallelujah…He saved me and that’s all that matters.
So while I am celibate, I can focus more on God, more on working on myself, both with healing and fixing anything that is displeasing to the Lord. I am focused on school, my girls and even work! I am getting so blessed at my job this year! And I know that it is because I have been so obedient to God. My bosses are happy with me, and it shows. And I am happy with them and my co-workers. This is where I am supposed to be. And I am getting blessed through my church as well.
I wanted to get my Living Will/Trust done and didn’t have the money and lo and behold, the church decided to do a class and bring in a company that will do wills/trusts for FREE!!! I was flabbergasted! And so excited! God knew/heard what I wanted and came through yet again! So, I will be able to leave my little bits and pieces that I think are beneficial to my girls without any problems. So happy! 🙂
Life is good…
Things have been good for the last couple of weeks. the girls have been behaving and things at work have been AWESOME! I’m getting blessed beyond belief at my job. I’m glad that I listened when God told me to get the hell out of Broward County and head north towards greener, more peaceful pastures. At first, I thought it was only to get the hell away from my ex, but now, I realize now that it was so much more. My babies are thriving at school and at church and I am really appreciated and highly utilized in my new position. I thank the Lord on a daily basis for that one. 🙂
I haven’t really been communicating with my in-laws since my ex’s new kid was born. I just decided to separate myself from them for a little while. I don’t want to hear how great the new kid is, how she looks like my children or how nice their new apartment is or how wonderful my ex is taking care of this new “family” while still dealing with feelings of hurt and betrayal and being tossed aside like yesterday’s garbage. So, I haven’t called to check on any of them, but they called me because they knew I went AWOL. It won’t be like this forever, but I am not going to force myself to act like everything is alright. So they can wait. And if they can’t, that’s just too tough. If no one else is going to care about my feelings, then I will.
And then, here comes the ex, trying to disrupt my peace and joy…my oldest is sick with strep throat. It just hit her today like a ton of bricks. So, I take her to the doctor’s because she is throwing up, feverish and all that other good stuff. And, like a good co-parenting monkey, I text him to let him know that our child is sick via text msg and then, because he didn’t text back, I called. Why o’ why did I fringing call that idiot? Why, because I was trying to do the right thing, which when it comes to him, always backfires on my ass. I call and tell him what’s up with her and that it wouldn’t be a good idea for D to go with him this weekend (it is his weekend) because she is sick and feverish and would get the whole house sick over there if she went. Then he says ok, but can he get them next weekend and the weekend after that?
Say what? Come again, asshole? I told him no, next weekend is my weekend and she also has a performance at church and she will be attending. He gets into this whole rant and rave about why I didn’t tell him about church and why can’t she just miss church and it’s not important and why won’t I switch weekends, blah, blah, blah. I mean, I’m not keeping her because I want to cause stress in his life, I’m keeping her because she’s sick as a dog!!! This ain’t no favor to me. But he keeps going on and on about church and he can come and get them before church and what if she still has strep throat next week and all kinds of crap. I almost got sucked into his void of stupidity. I could tell that he wanted to fight and get into it with me.
I can hear the hate in his voice whenever we speak. It’s so sad because I would really like to ask him why he just can’t be civil to me. He is the one that left and supposedly got the woman of his dreams and now a new child, why can’t you just be civil? I just looked at the phone and told him, no, you can not have them two weekends in a row and if you want your kids this weekend, then come and get em. I’ll send them down with all the trimmings! He said no real fast. Father of the fucking year….
And under normal circumstances, I would have allowed the double weekends, but I can’t do that kind of thing with him. You know, be kind. Be polite. Allow favors. Can’t do normal things that I would have done with anyone else. Because he’s a narcissist who NEVER reciprocates. NEVER, EVER, NEVER. And I learned my lesson in 2013 or 2014. Shit, I can’t remember the year, but it’s been a while. And I had to become this way, mainly because he was being a son-of-a-bitch. So, I stick to the judge’s script. I don’t deviate from the parenting/custody plan. I just can’t go off-road with that negro. It’s so sad. I know I always say that when it comes to the ex, but it’s just the truth.
He will be locked in anger towards me forever it seems like. I am still be dealing with some feelings of my own, but HELL! He left ME! He left US! We should be over here with voodoo dolls and chants and whatnot! But I’m leaving him alone and moving forward in my own life. I may not be moving on with a man, but hell, I ain’t harassing his ass or getting mad at him for bullshit anymore. Especially since I can’t count on him regardless and I don’t even bother ask him for anything; besides passport paperwork, we still haven’t gone to court with that yet. But it’s coming up soon….
I won the battle though. I didn’t get upset on the phone even though he was goading me into an argument because he couldn’t get his way. I simply said no, and hung up the phone. Then he kept calling me back and finally texted that he wanted to speak to D. (Mind you, he hasn’t called his kids since 2-22-16). That was the last weekend he had with them and hasn’t even bothered to check on them since. I remember when I told him that he better not ignore our children just because this new one was coming. I’m so glad that he listened to me. Oh, how he told me I won’t have to worry about that, how he loves his kids and a bunch of other shit.
Yet, I can’t get an extra ten cents outta him or my kids can’t get a free phone call from him. Yeah…
So, I let D call him back. I guess he wanted to make sure that I wasn’t lying, he needed to hear her and make sure that I was telling the truth and not coaching my child to act sick just so I can keep them from him. Yep, cause I have a history of doing evil things like that, right jerk? I wish I could throw his evil past in his face, but he wouldn’t give a damn. Nothing he does is wrong. Once he heard her, and stopped interrogating her like he was the damn police, he realized she wasn’t faking and eased up on her. And there was the “I love yous and I miss yous” and all that other fake shit he was saying. And he had the nerve to ask her why SHE didn’t call HE! That’s right, I wrote HE! Why should that responsibility fall on my child?!
When D got off the phone, I told her, if he ever says that again, you better tell him that he is the grown-up and she is the child and she should never have to chase after a grown man, be it a boyfriend or a so-called father. Hell no! You ain’t giving my child a rejection complex. But I was proud of myself because I didn’t allow the devil to steal my peace and joy and I will not be ending my day or week with unnecessary stress and anger.
So, I have a weekend filled with vomiting and fever and crying and all the other things that go along with taking care of gremlins. Pray for me everyone… 🙂