My oldest daughter asked me when I was going to find a husband and get married again. Enter the sigh…SIGH…I asked her why she wanted to know. She said that sometimes she sees me looking lonely. I don’t know when she sees me looking lonely or if she’s confusing lonely for tired. Either way, she asked and since she asked me, it has yet to leave my thoughts.
But I told her that I am waiting for God to send me a good man, the right man, a Godly man into my, OUR, lives. I told her that I didn’t want to choose someone that would be here in the house with us, but mistreating us and causing us more chaos and stress than love and happiness. She said she wants me to marry a good man that will play with them and take them to church and be good husband to me and a good daddy to them.
I want to give her this. I want it for both of them. I want it for myself! But I don’t want to rush into anything just because I’m lonely. It’s the holiday season. Hell, I start feeling the loneliness creeping in around my birthday in September because I know I’ll be celebrating my birthday alone and then when October comes, it’s a reminder that he left before my last child’s 1st birthday. And November is disappointing because it’s my oldest daughter’s birthday and Thanksgiving holiday, the time that is spent with family and loved ones.
And then December pops its head out and reminds me the the jolly wonderful, family time of the year, Christmas! When I give gifts and receive none. Did I ever tell you guys that Christmas is my favorite time of the year after my birthday? Christmas never gets old to me. I have a thing with the girls when I bake cookies and we watch the Christmas story and we just chill…until their father comes to get them for his time….enter sigh.
And Christmas just kills my spirit, just a little bit, every year that I am alone or without a romantic partner to share it with. But let’s not forget NEW YEARS EVE! The time set aside for leaving the old behind and starting fresh with the new. Except for me, there seems to never be any fresh. Only old hurts, pains, memories and blahs…and they aren’t new to me anymore. I try to leave them behind in the last year, but they never entirely go away. And I still pray. I still read my Bible. And I am staying busy, having a life and making sure that my girls have a life as well.
But it still just sucks.
Sucks to be alone, sucks that my kid compares what she sees in her father’s house to mine. She probably sees them all laughing and happy and kissing and doing things together as a family and is wondering why the heck it isn’t happening in my home. Too bad she doesn’t remember that it was happening in our home until her father decided I wasn’t enough for him. Sometimes he calls and I hear his voice and he sounds so sad, for whatever the reason and I wanna believe that he may be unhappy, but I know that he is not. And even if he was unhappy, so what? Who cares? Would I really want him back after all of the BS that he put me, US through?! He’s not the same man I knew before. That man is dead. His girlfriend can keep this new dude. He’s not my style.
It feels like I want to cry just writing this. It feels like I want to cry even when I am just doing nothing. But I don’t cry. I just think and ponder. Pray and hope. And I put my faith in the Lord and try to keep it moving and not dwell. I’m not entirely lonely. I have the Lord and I feel Him in my life. It’s just that I am without human touch and love. I wonder if I have to continue to stay in this single season until I don’t even worry about those things. I mean, the celibacy has been going just fine. I am not feeling sexually frustrated or anything like that. It’s just my heart and mind that is still playing tricks on me.
I guess I just had to vent. There’s always a sadness in my heart around this time of the year. But like every year, I get over it and past it. And every year, I get stronger and the pain lessens and lessens. I guess I’m just one of those people that needs a while to recover from heartbreak. Hey, better to recover and heal than to bring baggage and heartbreak to someone else.
I’m in good hands though. God’s hands.