No husband blues

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My oldest daughter asked me when I was going to find a husband and get married again. Enter the sigh…SIGH…I asked her why she wanted to know. She said that sometimes she sees me looking lonely. I don’t know when she sees me looking lonely or if she’s confusing lonely for tired. Either way, she asked and since she asked me, it has yet to leave my thoughts.

But I told her that I am waiting for God to send me a good man, the right man, a Godly man into my, OUR, lives. I told her that I didn’t want to choose someone that would be here in the house with us, but mistreating us and causing us more chaos and stress than love and happiness. She said she wants me to marry a good man that will play with them and take them to church and be good husband to me and a good daddy to them.

I want to give her this. I want it for both of them. I want it for myself! But I don’t want to rush into anything just because I’m lonely. It’s the holiday season. Hell, I start feeling the loneliness creeping in around my birthday in September because I know I’ll be celebrating my birthday alone and then when October comes, it’s a reminder that he left before my last child’s 1st birthday. And November is disappointing because it’s my oldest daughter’s birthday and Thanksgiving holiday, the time that is spent with family and loved ones.

And then December pops its head out and reminds me the the jolly wonderful, family time of the year, Christmas! When I give gifts and receive none. Did I ever tell you guys that Christmas is my favorite time of the year after my birthday? Christmas never gets old to me. I have a thing with the girls when I bake cookies and we watch the Christmas story and we just chill…until their father comes to get them for his time….enter sigh.

And Christmas just kills my spirit, just a little bit, every year that I am alone or without a romantic partner to share it with. But let’s not forget NEW YEARS EVE! The time set aside for leaving the old behind and starting fresh with the new. Except for me, there seems to never be any fresh. Only old hurts, pains, memories and blahs…and they aren’t new to me anymore. I try to leave them behind in the last year, but they never entirely go away. And I still pray. I still read my Bible. And I am staying busy, having a life and making sure that my girls have a life as well.

But it still just sucks.

Sucks to be alone, sucks that my kid compares what she sees in her father’s house to mine. She probably sees them all laughing and happy and kissing and doing things together as a family and is wondering why the heck it isn’t happening in my home. Too bad she doesn’t remember that it was happening in our home until her father decided I wasn’t enough for him. Sometimes he calls and I hear his voice and he sounds so sad, for whatever the reason and I wanna believe that he may be unhappy, but I know that he is not. And even if he was unhappy, so what? Who cares? Would I really want him back after all of the BS that he put me, US through?! He’s not the same man I knew before. That man is dead. His girlfriend can keep this new dude. He’s not my style.

It feels like I want to cry just writing this. It feels like I want to cry even when I am just doing nothing. But I don’t cry. I just think and ponder. Pray and hope. And I put my faith in the Lord and try to keep it moving and not dwell.  I’m not entirely lonely. I have the Lord and I feel Him in my life. It’s just that I am without human touch and love. I wonder if I have to continue to stay in this single season until I don’t even worry about those things. I mean, the celibacy has been going just fine. I am not feeling sexually frustrated or anything like that. It’s just my heart and mind that is still playing tricks on me.

I guess I just had to vent. There’s always a sadness in my heart around this time of the year. But like every year, I get over it and past it. And every year, I get stronger and the pain lessens and lessens. I guess I’m just one of those people that needs a while to recover from heartbreak. Hey, better to recover and heal than to bring baggage and heartbreak to someone else.

I’m in good hands though. God’s hands.

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And you say you want to co-parent…

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Once again, tonight as a matter of fact, I got cursed out by my ex-husband. Cursed out because he didn’t come through as an adult, as a parent and I called him on it. Need some back story? Well, why don’t you have a seat!

It all started on a Friday night when he came and picked up the girls and took them for his weekend. I texted him and told him that our oldest had homework that needed to be completed in it’s entirety. So, fast forward to Sunday night when they return. The homework was done, but not done properly. So, being a responsible adult/parent, I called their father. I hate talking to him, but when I have to speak to him, I pick up the phone and call him instead of the whole emailing/texting scenario that we usually have to entertain. The conversation went as follows:

Me: D didn’t do her homework. I told you that she had homework.

Ex: She did do her homework.

Me: But she didn’t do it properly, the way that it needed to be done. She wrote two little paragraphs and this assignment required a specific type of format and more information than what she provided. Didn’t you help her with it? Didn’t you read the instructions on the front of the packet?

Ex: She told me that she read the story. She told me that she knew what she had to do.

Me: But she’s 10. She’s not gonna do everything right and you should have looked it over. Did you read the instructions?

Ex: No. I didn’t.

Me: (silent) Ok. (I hang up the phone.)

Then he calls back and asks to speak to D. So I give her the phone and put it on speaker so I can hear the conversation. He goes on to ask my child why she didn’t do her homework the right way, why SHE didn’t tell him what she had to do. At that point I took the phone away and told him that it is not her responsibility, it is HIS to make sure that she does her homework the right way. I told him that he wasn’t going to put the guilt on her or the burden of finishing her homework the right way on her. She’s only 10! I told him that he should have read the instructions and gone over the homework that she attempted. He tells me that he wants to talk to her and I told him, “unless you are going to apologize for not doing what a parent should have done and checked her homework, you can’t speak to her. She is not at fault. She is 10 and wants to play and she is not going to do what she needs to do without us checking on what she’s done.” That’s when he screamed at me, “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

And that’s when I hung up the phone. I refuse to allow myself to be disrespected by this man. I refuse. I don’t know why this man is so angry with me all the time. He is always saying how we don’t co-parent but when I try, by giving him some responsibility, he does it half-ass and sometimes not at all. I’m so tired of the arguing and disrespect. He’s supposed to be so happy in his new little life, then why is he such a JERK?!

And why can’t I count on him? Who doesn’t check their 10 year old child’s homework?! It’s been 5 years and I am still fighting with this man. I am soooooo tired. So tired. He called back to ask if he could speak to our oldest and I told him she was busy doing her homework. He asked he she could call when she was finished and I just told him “goodnight.” I hung up afterwards. There was no apology, no remorse for the language that he used with me. He just thinks he can disrespect me and not apologize for his actions. But this is what happens when you have to deal with a narcissist. They never think that they are wrong. Everyone else is wrong in the world, even if they put themselves in a situation, YOU end up being the one in the wrong. Not them. And I refuse for him to put that guilt and blame on my child.

Yes, she should have done her homework properly, but she’s a CHILD. No child, unless they are an absolute genius, is going to do their homework properly without an adult checking their work.

Lord, please help me. Come and take the wheel………

I can’t co-parent with this person. The man I married is dead. I don’t know who this person is…

Who’s getting married?! Part Deux

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My dream actually came true! The ex proposed to his gf while they were in Disney World. And guess what?! The news didn’t come from him, as it should have. It came from his sister. Why, you ask? Well, let me tell you why, cause he’s a punk. Too scared to say anything to me. Why? I don’t know, especially since he doesn’t care about me because he once told me I was dead to him…But then………………

His gf had the NERVE and AUDACITY to email me the following email below:

“I first want to apologize for contacting you at work but this is the only email address I could locate without asking M for your personal one (he doesn’t know I’m contacting you). I’m hoping that through this email we can find a common ground that’s beneficial to the girls.

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to share the precious time you have with your daughters with others; even more so with a woman who (speaking frankly) you despise. I think it’s important for you to know that I love your daughters and I want the best for them; as I’m sure you do as well. I think it’s easy to agree that an environment that is peaceful and harmonious is best for any child, the girls included. I would love to get to a place where we (you, M, and I) could share important moments with the girls without tension or animosity; it’s important to show the girls that even though adults may have disagreements they can still get along. I understand that the past few years have been difficult and you are completely entitled to your own feelings, emotions, and opinions; even the strong negative ones you have about me. However, my hope is that you can focus your energy on what’s best for the girls. Your daughters love you so much and as I’m sure you’re aware they also love M; and through the years I know they have grown to love me as well. I hate to imagine what it must be like for them to feel as though they’re caught in the middle of the people they love.

As a mother, I’m sure you agree that it’s not fair to them to let adult issues affect their childhood memories. I’m not naive in thinking that you and I will become the best of friends but I truly hope that you could put the animosity you feel for me aside for the sake of your daughters. Sadly, they are the ones caught in the middle and they are who suffer. I believe that the girls would really benefit if we could all work together; or at the very least be able to occupy the same space without tension. It is my deepest hope that slowly, in time we can all become cordial and work together to raise the girls in the best environment possible. I know that ultimately the decision is yours. I also know that I can’t control how you perceive this or how you’ll react to me reaching out; so I want to be clear in saying that it’s completely out of love for the girls and the desire to do what’s best for them. I only ask that you keep that in mind if/when you decide to respond.

Sincerest Regards,

K”

Now, in my opinion, this chick has huge balls. After 5 years of the both of you giving me and my girls hell, you want to have a KUM-BA-YA moment. You want to be adult and work through shit. You NOW care about my girls and how they feel about the two of you having torn apart a family. Hmmm…not going to happen, sweetie. I’m sorry, this email is 5 years to late. And from the wrong person. This email should have come from my ex. AND, it should have had an apology for her part in the demise of my marriage. I guess through her excitement of having his child and now about to become his wife, she wants to make things right.

Nope, not going to happen. I remember trying to make things “decent” 5 and 4 years ago and the both of them giving me their ass to kiss. I like how she’s so NOW concerned over my children having POSITIVE childhood memories in order to drown out the negative ones that she and my ex placed. NOW she wants us all to do family oriented activities together. NOW…after she got engaged at the “Happiest Place on Earth”. Biatch please…I don’t care about the engagement, but I do care that she had the nerve to actually email me at WORK and then try to mend the fences that she and him set on fire.

I was so enraged at this email. I have not replied to her, nor am I going to. I did, however, forward it to her betrothed and told him that I better not receive any other emails like this ever again. He wanted to not be a part of the family, he wanted to have nothing to do with me, and he wanted a life totally separate and I gave him EXACTLY what he asked for.

She was there by his side every time he said or did something nasty to me and she didn’t care then. I don’t give two craps if she’s changed. I’m done. I’ve been done with them. I have forgiven and had closure knowing that he NOR she would ever apologize and I moved past. But don’t reach out to me ever again. The both of them chose to be nasty together and treat me like shit, and now, you can do it legally and happily ever after. This ain’t no NBC family sitcom of blended family joy. No sir. This is real life and in real life, you can’t just say whatever you want to people and do whatever you want to them and then wake up with an epiphany of “LET’S BE FRIENDS FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS!”

I’m just gonna leave it at that. If I change my mind in a few years, then I change my mind. But for right now… NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN.

 

 

 

 

 

Who’s getting married?!

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I had a dream last night about my ex and his gf that he left us for. And in my dream, God presented them to me and asked me, “____, your ex and ____ are going to get married. How do you feel about that?” I looked at them and then I turned in God’s direction and said, “I don’t really care, Lord. That’s their business. If they get married, they get married. Let them live happily ever after together, if they so choose. The only thing I care about is whether or not they surrender their souls to you to live Godly lives.” And then I woke up.

I was shocked at that dream because I meant the words that came outta my mouth. And I knew I meant them because I woke up with peace. And I mean real peace. Like, I was trying to feel anger, I was trying to feel sad about them getting married, if that were to happen, but instead, I felt nothing. And nothing is a good feeling to have. I think, in all honesty, I really believe that I totally forgive the both of them for their indiscretion. Doesn’t mean I like them or that we’ll be buddies. No sir. Forgiving them hasn’t stopped either of them from being rude and disrespectful people.

It just means that I am not harboring any ill will towards them. I pray for their salvation all the time. It pains my heart that they are not even trying to experience the love, the joy, the peace and comfort that comes from turning their hearts over to our Lord and Savior. But hey, it’s their life and if they are okay with living it the way that they are living it, then that’s their business. No one can make anyone do anything that they do not want to do. I don’t know if God was just testing my spirit, or if He was showing me a glimpse of my ex’s future. I’ve had plenty of dreams with both of them in it, and nothing, for me anyways, has come true. Except for that dream I had where I was running through this building that was falling and I kept trying to get my ex to hurry up. I made it out the building, whereas he looked at me and decided he wasn’t going with me and headed back into the building. The building that was falling, all around him. And I escaped and I have no clue what happened to him, my last glimpse of him was his back, walking into a building that was collapsing and him not having a care in the world.

I can’t tell you if it was the building was supposed to be my marriage, or if the building was supposed to be life…I mean, he and I are living two extremely different lives, I can tell you that much. He’s living and taking the girls to Disney World, but at what cost, I couldn’t tell you. That high life sometimes has a price that you don’t ever want to pay. Having another kid, when you couldn’t afford the first two wasn’t exactly the smartest thing in the world. But everyone is entitled to live their life their way. And if he wants to marry this girl, because she is his one and only true love, then let true love shine POOKIE! I’m at peace with it.

And if it comes to pass that he does propose to her, then I really hope and pray the Holy Spirit continues to give me this same peace. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and go back on my words. My gift to them will be prayer that they accept the Lord 100% into their hearts and spirits.

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I have my moments where I feel some different types of emotions when I know that my ex is taking my kids out of town. I can’t explain it. I’m happy for my girls, that he’s doing something with them, but at the same time, it really bothers me. Anyone else feel that way? I think I would feel the same even if he were single and was still going out of town with the kids. I’m not sure if it feels worse because he’s taking his marriage-disrupting, slut Rhino of a gf and acting like one big happy family with my kids as well.

Well, after writing and re-reading that sentence, it’s probably more the latter than the former. It’s that feeling of, that should be me, that’s my family and you betrayed me/us and now you’re doing things that you could have been doing with me/us. I have stray moments where I swear I am totally and completely over him and his stupidity, but then…he pulls a “family” vacation card and I just get to feeling icky all over again.

And I know it’s also because of the holidays. I love celebrating holidays. I don’t go all out for them, but I do love holidays and Halloween is one of my favorites. I think he’s taking them to Mickey’s Halloween Party, which is great. My girls will enjoy themselves and he needs to spend some money on them. I wanted to take them, but it would cost me over $1k to go. So please! Go ahead! Take them. I’ll save my money for out of the country trips!

IDK, I just wish that my heart was completely healed and that I completely forgave him and completely released him. I’m definitely a lot better than I was last year and so forth. I hope I won’t always feel this tinge, even after I find someone for myself.

I know God will do it, I know He will. And He is already healing me and comforting me. I just wish I could be like some people and just be done with it all, already! Some people have absolutely no problem in letting go. But me, chile boo. Takes a long while, apparently. But I’ll get there with God’s help. He definitely takes care of the brokenhearted.

37 years so young!

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216986-happy-birthday-to-me-quote

Yes, it’s that wonderful time of the year when everyone knows your name and people are calling you down and you feel so important and just like a princess! If you couldn’t tell, I love my birthday! I am a birthday gal. And even if I were 100, I’d still be a birthday gal! Til the day I die!!! I just love celebrating life. I mean, I’m breathing, I should be happy and celebrating everyday. I just particularly love this day more-so than others. LOL!

I did go out of town with my gremlins for the weekend, but it was more for them than me. But my gift was their joy and happiness at a new adventure. Then we came home and I bought myself a new, shiny VACUUM CLEANER! YAY!!!!! LMBOOOOOOOO!!! But I needed one, so, why not indulge!

I didn’t go to work and the gremlins didn’t go to school because we came home late from our outing. So, we spent the time together. I love them. They “bought” me a card from the church bookstore (I paid for it) and they presented it to me. They colored it with 7 hearts and my youngest drew a portrait of me with blond hair. I didn’t know I was blond, but that’s how she wanted to draw me, so I went with her artistic vision.

And now, after a long day of cleaning and errands, I am waiting to crack open the Haagen Dazs and just watch old episodes of Once Upon A Time before I pass out in my bed. Sounds like a beautiful way to end the most beautiful day!

Ciao!