One of my baby sisters, is about to go through a divorce. And I feel so bad for her. No real reason why, or rather, the real reason hasn’t reared it’s ugly head yet. And, it is her husband that wants it. They got married young, early 20’s. One child, and both are Christians. He’s a pastor, she’s a First Lady, so you’d expect them to make it, right?! WRONG! They were married for 8 or 9 years. I always figured that if a couple had Jesus in their hearts and are living God’s will, then they should be able to endure anything.
But, then, you forget one tiny nugget of critical information. That people are HUMAN. And FALLIBLE. And God gave each of us our own will and we do what we want with our will, when we want and how we want and etc…She is devastated. She was crying. She said she felt so stupid for even marrying him. I understand how and why she is thinking the way that she is thinking. She is upset and now she has to go through all the different, crappy stages of grief. I just told her that I loved her and that she has to allow herself to feel all the emotions that are going to pop up in her life.
She wants this divorce over and done quickly. If they both agree and stay civil and cordial, it could happen quickly. But most divorces are long, drawn out battles of unrequited anger and rage towards one another. Love is part of it too, if you can believe it. Except no one wants to admit it. You can’t hate or be angry with someone to that extent unless you love them. Hell, mine is still going on and we’ve been officially divorced since 2014! Go figure! But I digress…
Divorce is so very painful. It takes a huge emotional toll on the mind, a physical toll on the body and an unbelievable toll on the spirit. She is a woman of God, but so was I when I got divorced. My ex-husband wasn’t and still isn’t a Christian, unfortunately. I was so spiritually broken, it weakened me to the point where I got dumb as a rock and decided that having an affair with a married man was going to make everything better again. Yeah…right. But GOD! He brought me back to life and to my right senses after a short while.
I hope she doesn’t suffer as I suffered. I hope she is stronger than I was at that time. I hope that they can divorce without all the struggling and arguing and every other “ing” that divorce brings to the table. And most of all, I pray that the child doesn’t become a pawn in this awful game of hearts. My girls came out of my divorce pretty unscathed. Just a little scathed, not a lot. LOL! I don’t believe they’ll be needing a lot of therapy because of it.
I want to believe that Christians are above divorce. I want to believe that having the love of the Lord so deep down into your soul will make you want to fight harder for your marriage than two secular, worldly people. I mean, does that mean if I get married for the 2nd time, I will have to wonder about divorcing again? We hear all these stories about Christians saving themselves for marriage and going to the counseling and whatnot, but STILL, they go through a divorce at some point in their marriage. And I don’t want to get divorced a second time. I want to know and believe that if I am doing it right before marriage, that this marriage will last for a lifetime.
I have to realize that it is up to both individuals to make the marriage work. If both minds are set to work, if both minds are set to fight and open to communication and if there is still love in their hearts for the other person, I think it can work. I’ll be praying for my little sister to get through this moment, because the rest of her life has already been changed.
It’s been a little while since I have last written. There’s nothing to report except that God is good and Jesus Christ is King! LOL!!! Honestly, the girls and I are doing so well. They are loving school and life and so am I. I’m just waiting for the year to end and the new to begin!
I’m making a lot of new changes in my life, spiritually and personally. I’m growing stronger in Christ and I’m growing stronger in who I am as a human being. Likes, dislikes, things I am willing to put up with, things that I will never put up with. People are being added and subtracted from my life, like algebra! It’s both good and bad. There are some people that I would love to keep in my life, but they can’t go where God is leading me. And some people I want to keep, but, having them in my life also brings me sadness. So, these are super hard decisions, you know?
Boundaries are being enforced and strengthened, and irrevocable. Those are mainly for the ex. I swear, for someone that is allegedly so happy in his new life without me, he sure is a miserable, old grump. Never seen someone so miserable. Especially because I don’t bother him…EVER! If I had a new baby and a new man, trust and believe, boo-boo, nothing the ex could do, would get under my skin. But the Lord is good and I give my ex up completely to the Lord to deal with.
I was out with the girls the other day, getting their Christmas pictures taken, and I was looking around at all the families and I found myself getting a little sad that we were the only family without a daddy to take pictures with. And it happens, that feeling comes every so often around the holidays. But, I managed to pray past it, and the feeling left. This is just a temporary season, that’s all. I’m in no rush. God has the one for me, and he’ll show up when the time is right.
Until then, I will remain content in my single season.
Work is still delightful, and school is still going strong. I am a little tired of utilizing my brain in all these different capacities, but I got to persevere through. At the end of it all, I will be grateful and happy and the blessings from my obedience will be many.
There is joy in my life. Real, pure and powerful joy. How do I know? Because this morning, the ex tried to get at me, and I was okay. I mean, I rolled my eyes at the emails, but my spirit was at peace, while answering him. And I know he is going to respond with some bs, but I will still be at peace. I prayed for him after I emailed the first time. I said out loud, “I forgive you, Ex.” And I will continue to do this. Hurt people, hurt people. And it’s obvious that my ex is hurt. From what exactly, I have no clue. But, the phrase still rings true. Hurt people, hurt people. So I am trying to love on him as the Lord tells us we should. Is it easy? Heck to the nah. But, every time I pray for him, it gets a little easier. I would hope that he would have calmed down with the anger by now, but he hasn’t. Obviously, he has some things that he has to work within himself before he can be at my level. We really could have a cordial relationship, he just has to stop with the disrespect. That’s all that’s required from him.
Someone told me last night, that he may have moved on in deed, but not emotionally. I was like, WHOA! I thought that having a baby and asking someone else to marry you was moving on emotionally. Needless to say, I got schooled. I pray he receives Christ into his heart. That’s the only thing/person I know that can save him. That can make him whole again, that can calm the seas that are raging on the inside of him. Only Christ can fill that void in his heart, his spirit, his soul. Only Christ can give him the love that he is so desperately desiring. I’ll just continue to pray for him.
Did I tell you guys that I tried out for the worship team? I didn’t, did I?! Well, I did! And I completely messed up the first song, but I do believe that I killed the second audition song. Hopefully, I will hear something back from them soon. The audition was on the 1st, and they said that they will contact people within 1 or 2 weeks, so we’ll see. I leave it to God. If I didn’t make it this time, I will try out again. I’ll just practice harder and now that I really know the process, it’ll be easier for me. I hope…lmboooooo! At least I had them laughing. Maybe they can give me a mic and I can be in the background, just laughing in tune and rhythm…LOL!!!! Ha! I’m stoopid!
I’m outtie 5000, G!!!!! (That means goodbye and have a pleasant day to all… :-))
I had a dream last night about my ex and his gf that he left us for. And in my dream, God presented them to me and asked me, “____, your ex and ____ are going to get married. How do you feel about that?” I looked at them and then I turned in God’s direction and said, “I don’t really care, Lord. That’s their business. If they get married, they get married. Let them live happily ever after together, if they so choose. The only thing I care about is whether or not they surrender their souls to you to live Godly lives.” And then I woke up.
I was shocked at that dream because I meant the words that came outta my mouth. And I knew I meant them because I woke up with peace. And I mean real peace. Like, I was trying to feel anger, I was trying to feel sad about them getting married, if that were to happen, but instead, I felt nothing. And nothing is a good feeling to have. I think, in all honesty, I really believe that I totally forgive the both of them for their indiscretion. Doesn’t mean I like them or that we’ll be buddies. No sir. Forgiving them hasn’t stopped either of them from being rude and disrespectful people.
It just means that I am not harboring any ill will towards them. I pray for their salvation all the time. It pains my heart that they are not even trying to experience the love, the joy, the peace and comfort that comes from turning their hearts over to our Lord and Savior. But hey, it’s their life and if they are okay with living it the way that they are living it, then that’s their business. No one can make anyone do anything that they do not want to do. I don’t know if God was just testing my spirit, or if He was showing me a glimpse of my ex’s future. I’ve had plenty of dreams with both of them in it, and nothing, for me anyways, has come true. Except for that dream I had where I was running through this building that was falling and I kept trying to get my ex to hurry up. I made it out the building, whereas he looked at me and decided he wasn’t going with me and headed back into the building. The building that was falling, all around him. And I escaped and I have no clue what happened to him, my last glimpse of him was his back, walking into a building that was collapsing and him not having a care in the world.
I can’t tell you if it was the building was supposed to be my marriage, or if the building was supposed to be life…I mean, he and I are living two extremely different lives, I can tell you that much. He’s living and taking the girls to Disney World, but at what cost, I couldn’t tell you. That high life sometimes has a price that you don’t ever want to pay. Having another kid, when you couldn’t afford the first two wasn’t exactly the smartest thing in the world. But everyone is entitled to live their life their way. And if he wants to marry this girl, because she is his one and only true love, then let true love shine POOKIE! I’m at peace with it.
And if it comes to pass that he does propose to her, then I really hope and pray the Holy Spirit continues to give me this same peace. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and go back on my words. My gift to them will be prayer that they accept the Lord 100% into their hearts and spirits.
I’m starting a new journey in my life. I have decided to get dreadlocks. It’s a real lifestyle change…for my hair. I already went to the salon and got them started. I had been thinking of doing this for a long time. I started pondering over this change since 2015. I meant to start the process in January of this year, but procrastinated. But yesterday, I went and did it. And I’m glad that I did it before telling anyone that I was doing it. Afterwards, I sent a pic of my head to friends and family and most were in shock, and some were in support of me. And then, my mother in law surprised me. She was a little negative towards my decision. She was saying how I like to “change” my hair every few months, which is true, but this is different.
It made me realize that I did the right thing by not telling people what I was going to do. I would have talked myself out of getting them done if I had allowed myself to listen to other people’s opinions. I love my mother in law, but there are some moments when she can be negative. Not always, but sometimes. She’s very old-fashioned and old school. She was even upset when her daughter got her baby’s ears pierced. My mother in law kept telling me, “we’ll see how you are in 6 months.” I’m not changing my mind in 6 months. So, she’ll be majorly disappointed when I end 2017 with nice, long dreads.
But I know that I made the right decision for myself. I don’t make rash decisions. Well, I haven’t been making rash decisions in quite a long time. I incorporate the Lord in everything I do, no matter how big or small and I try to do so before I start/stop anything. When I was allowing my flesh to lead me, things never worked out.
So, wish me luck, on my loc’d journey. I’ll post pictures from time to time. I want to make sure that I document each step. This is going to be a cool adventure!!! 🙂