My relationship with RR is going nicely. I realized that I am so green when it comes to dating and being in an adult relationship. Everything is new and weird and wonderful and scary. I don’t remember being scared when I was jumping from relationship to relationship in high school. Probably because I did not have anything to lose. I didn’t know how precious my heart was, nor did I care. I was just in the moment of “love” better known as LUST, and my flesh was the one in charge of everything.
Now, I am so protective of my heart, you would swear that I was part grizzly bear. And I have to protect the hearts of my two ladybugs as well. And, it’s tough, trying to love with all your heart and protect it at the same time. The girls a.k.a. ladybugs, really like RR. They have made a genuine connection with him. Heck, they speak to him more than to their own father, since he has made it is business not to call them anymore. Yep, the ex does not call them anymore. He is trying to force the girls to call him by making them feel guilty and telling them that he is waiting for them to call him. What kind of monster puts the guilt trip on two innocent, little girls?
So, I can see how my girls are connecting to RR much quicker than I initially expected. I thought that they would just like him a lot, but these kids are already planning my life. My youngest asked me today, right out of the blue, when she was going to get a step-daddy. And then the oldest said soon and after a while, they can call him daddy. I was totally shocked and blown away by those statements and questions. I had no idea that these kids were thinking these things. But I guess if they are seeing a family unit at their father’s house, they want the same thing at their mother’s house. I didn’t honestly think that they were thirsting for a “complete” family environment like that. I asked my oldest if she’d be okay with calling RR “daddy” and she said YUP! No hesitation whatsoever. I hope she knows and understands that RR can’t replace her biological. He’s not trying to and I’m not expecting him to either.
It kind of made me feel bad, because I have been single for so long. And it wasn’t because I had no prospects, it was because I was waiting for the best of the prospects to step forward. I didn’t want to be one of those women that just brought a man into the house to complete that missing piece of the family puzzle. I thought my girls were OK since they were still visiting with their father and “was” talking to him throughout the week before he stopped. Have I messed my girls up? By wanting to heal and not settle? I know the answer, it just feels like I messed up.
Plus, I got scared because I started thinking, “what if this relationship doesn’t last and my girls are so attached and if we broke up, they would have to go through heartbreak all over again!” I guess that’s why people say it’s so important to make sure both parties in this relationship understand that what’s at stake doesn’t just affect the two people in the relationship. Same as a divorce. It just doesn’t affect the two people getting divorced, it affects everyone that loves the two individuals involved. But, again, I know that I was just feeling a little panicked.
RR is not my ex and I need to calm down. Those triggers man…just when you think you are over them. I didn’t realize that I would be worried about anything once I got in another relationship because I knew I was healed, but of course, you have to be in it, to know what to do and how you’re gonna react. I can say whatever I want outside of a relationship, but now that I am experiencing it, it’s different. It’s the same regarding celibacy. You are super strong and so determined to keep that celibacy with strong conviction and then when you get kissed, you are second-guessing this whole waiting until marriage thing. Oy vey!!! But, I am happy to report that I AM still celibate and waiting for marriage, albeit with bated and PANTING breath! LMBO!
I’ve never prayed over myself so much in my entire existence! But, I do want things to be different, and I can’t give in to my flesh. I’m not a child. And I know that it’s for the best. I’ve gotta be an example for myself, my ladybugs and I have to be obedient to God. There are people looking and what if I lead them away from Christ instead of to Him because they see me living a wishy-washy, hypocritical life? Nah buddy! Can’t have any of that.
But regardless of all of my trigger, panicky moments, I am happy. He makes me happy. And I am making him happy too! I think I’ll be seeing him in August. I saw him in April, May, June, we’re skipping July and August is shooting around the corner fast! God willing, this one is a keeper!