I had a dream last night about my ex and his gf that he left us for. And in my dream, God presented them to me and asked me, “____, your ex and ____ are going to get married. How do you feel about that?” I looked at them and then I turned in God’s direction and said, “I don’t really care, Lord. That’s their business. If they get married, they get married. Let them live happily ever after together, if they so choose. The only thing I care about is whether or not they surrender their souls to you to live Godly lives.” And then I woke up.
I was shocked at that dream because I meant the words that came outta my mouth. And I knew I meant them because I woke up with peace. And I mean real peace. Like, I was trying to feel anger, I was trying to feel sad about them getting married, if that were to happen, but instead, I felt nothing. And nothing is a good feeling to have. I think, in all honesty, I really believe that I totally forgive the both of them for their indiscretion. Doesn’t mean I like them or that we’ll be buddies. No sir. Forgiving them hasn’t stopped either of them from being rude and disrespectful people.
It just means that I am not harboring any ill will towards them. I pray for their salvation all the time. It pains my heart that they are not even trying to experience the love, the joy, the peace and comfort that comes from turning their hearts over to our Lord and Savior. But hey, it’s their life and if they are okay with living it the way that they are living it, then that’s their business. No one can make anyone do anything that they do not want to do. I don’t know if God was just testing my spirit, or if He was showing me a glimpse of my ex’s future. I’ve had plenty of dreams with both of them in it, and nothing, for me anyways, has come true. Except for that dream I had where I was running through this building that was falling and I kept trying to get my ex to hurry up. I made it out the building, whereas he looked at me and decided he wasn’t going with me and headed back into the building. The building that was falling, all around him. And I escaped and I have no clue what happened to him, my last glimpse of him was his back, walking into a building that was collapsing and him not having a care in the world.
I can’t tell you if it was the building was supposed to be my marriage, or if the building was supposed to be life…I mean, he and I are living two extremely different lives, I can tell you that much. He’s living and taking the girls to Disney World, but at what cost, I couldn’t tell you. That high life sometimes has a price that you don’t ever want to pay. Having another kid, when you couldn’t afford the first two wasn’t exactly the smartest thing in the world. But everyone is entitled to live their life their way. And if he wants to marry this girl, because she is his one and only true love, then let true love shine POOKIE! I’m at peace with it.
And if it comes to pass that he does propose to her, then I really hope and pray the Holy Spirit continues to give me this same peace. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and go back on my words. My gift to them will be prayer that they accept the Lord 100% into their hearts and spirits.
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I think that my brain may be trying to betray me in some way. The last time I wrote, I said how I had a dream where my ex told me that he didn’t love me nor his mistress/gf. Then last night, I had a dream where the negroid got married to his heffalump! What in the hell?! My question, why?!?!?!?! Why brain?! Why rem sleep?! What have I done to you to deserve this betrayal? I woke up like, huh?????? And I have my clairvoyant moments, but I am not sure if that was one of them. But I did what I have been doing for the last couple weeks, which is praying and giving it to God. I mean, if he married this chick, it’s not gonna affect me in any way. Hell, he’s been living with her since 2013. WHILE we were married, so that’s not gonna bother me. They might as well make it official instead of being an example to my kids on what living in sin looks like.
I couldn’t tell you why I dreamed that dream. It was just weird. And they had the wedding that I wanted and still want. The one where I walk down the aisle and everyone is there. Except, my girls weren’t there at his and neither was the rest of his family. Was this dream from my heart/brain or another dart thrown at me from the enemy, to get me off my focus? Hmmmm…..either way, I didn’t allow myself to get upset. I prayed, I had a conversation with the Almighty and I went about my day, running errands, eating chocolate donuts and watching tv.
I’m tired of dwelling on this failed marriage and divorce. And even though I wish I could move farther away to get completely away from him, my brain is another problem. Can’t shut it off or down. Can’t even numb the damn thing because I don’t do drugs and I don’t drink. So, my only solution is to deal with it, straight on. Mano y mano. Toe to toe. And by straight on I mean I send the Holy Spirit to fight my battles. I don’t have the time nor the strength to deal with that stupidity anymore. Even with these little set-offs, I’m still better than where I was a couple of years back. A few weird dreams isn’t going to throw me off the healing wagon. I’m stronger than that.
There’s other things that will be occupying my brain’s time now. I just signed up for ballroom dance lessons! OH! I can’t wait! I took some private lessons that I got from Groupon and I am in love! In love with dancing and in love with the gay man that has me swooning!!! LOL!!! I feel sexy, I have fun and I feel invigorated with LIFE!!! I always wanted to take lessons with the ex, but he can’t dance to save his life. Now, I don’t need him. I dance with myself! And I love it. And I am feeling more confident about myself, (if that were even possible) and I like that. I think my swag is getting an octane jump! LOL!
I just got a tattoo of my grandmother’s name, too. I loved her so much. And I love the tattoo. I just wish it were a little smaller. But I’ll be fine. It itches like hell. It’s my 4th tattoo. And I think it’ll be my last. There’s nothing else that I want. It’s been two years between my last tattoo and this one, and I am not even considering what else I may get. I mean, if and i do mean IF, I had another kid, I would get there name, just like I did with my girls. But, I am not planning on having any kids in the near future, sooooooo….yeah. I’m done with tattoos. And they hurt too damn much to get something that is cute or artsy. That’s why mine are all meaningful and SMALL. I will not be getting any tattoos of my father nor my mother’s names when they pass. Only this grandma. I have my reasons.
The girls and I are going to NYC next week. YAY!!! Hopefully they will see some snow. But not too much, please, Lord, not too much. Just enough for them to get all giggly and whatnot. And maybe have a snow fight. This was the vacation where they were going to go and meet their great-grandmother. I’ll still take them to her house, so they can see where mommy grew up and spent most of her summers. My dad will enjoy his grandkids. And the girls will finally be able to meet some of my family members. It’ll be nice.
See? I have a life. I have things going on. I don’t always just sit on the couch and date Netflix or go to church. There are things that are keeping me busy. But every so often, my brain betrays me……
I keep having these dreams where my ex-husband is doing his best to come back into my life, to be my husband again and to be a better father to our girls. And he is talking sweetly to me, and trying his hardest to convince me that he is a changed man and that he learned his lesson and that he didn’t know what he had until he lost it and that his tramp stamp gf never meant anything to him and he regretted every moment he was with her. Like I said, this is just a dream. And it’s the second dream that I have had in the last couple of months. I don’t even know why I am having them. I haven’t been speaking to him at all, or even spending time in the same county with him. So why and for what reason am I having these “nightmares?” I am finally at a place of semi-peace. I haven’t cried in 2-3 weeks and even though he’s not paying child support, I am not angry. But I have long since given up the idea of reconciliations of any kind with that man. After I wake up from one of those dreams, I pray like the dickens. I pray that God takes those thoughts and dreams and ideas out of my head before it makes it down to my heart and take root. I don’t need to have any hope in that arena. I had hope and faith in one day getting back together with him, but over the months and now 2.5 years later, I think, NAY, I know, that hope needs never to pop back into my field of vision.
Emotions and feelings are the tools that the devil uses against us sometimes to cause us to have confusion. Causes us to get angry and upset all over again. Basically, the enemy uses it to steal our peace and our joy. And I am thankful that I am still a work in progress. That I am working on my anger and not allowing the enemy to steal my peace and my joy. I still get upset, but I am human. And I am learning to recognize when I am allowing my emotions to take control and not the other way around. As for these dreams, I don’t know if they are prophetic from God or if they are the tools of the devil, since he has been trying all kinds of different ways to get at me. Spiritual warfare is real, unfortunately. I’m obviously closer to my breakthrough and blessings; closer than I could ever know, and now the enemy is trying to use the love that I had and the hope that I had for that man, to stir something up in me again. I’m not going to let him win. Not going to let him win. And if the dreams were from God, I need more then dreams to convince me. I need that burning bush, Lord. I need that Red Sea parting kinda evidence. Nothing else or nothing less will do.