Things are going so well for me in so many different areas of my life. Big things popping with work, *fingers crossed* and I made the worship team at church!!! YAY ME!!! My youngest graduated from Kindergarten, my oldest is working hard at bringing up her grades. I’m almost done with school, HALLELUJAH! And of course, things are so so great with Double R. The only thing that remains the same is the ex…you’re not shocked, I know…
But I digress…Double R is my heart. People really do not explain how to be a Christian while dating. How do you handle wanting to have sex but NOT having sex??? It’s tough, man. I already broke the no-kissing rule. That went right out the window. My flesh is on fire. I fast, pray, and thank God that he lives far away but shoot, we are going to see each other this month. I have to keep myself in prayer and try to behave myself, seriously. And he’s planning on coming back in July. Just pray for me that I keep it together. Being celibate in a relationship that is so freaking passionate is ROUGH!
I am so afraid of doing the wrong things and having the same outcome as my marriage. I don’t need any demons having their hand at my relationship, no thank you! I want us set on a solid foundation of Christ. He really is a great guy. The level of emotions that is going on between us, it’s amazing. Didn’t have that with my ex nor with the married guy. He really cares for me and my girls. I went to NYC in May for his father’s memorial ceremony and it was a beautiful ceremony and each and every moment that I spent with him was truly wonderful. He took me on a first date where we walked to Little Italy and had dinner in a very nice restaurant and then he took me to see the NJ skyline and it was just……magical.
That is the only word I can use to describe it. Magical.
I waited for years, for someone of his caliber to come into my life. Yes, it is still early in the relationship, but there is just a feeling. That this is right. And I’m not desperate, I didn’t set out to start a relationship. I only went to get re-acquainted with an old family friend.
Our story is amazing.
Someone prophesied over me earlier in the year, and she has been right two out of the three times that she did prophesy over me. So, I think this is the 3rd. In fact, I know it is.
While I was in NYC, I met more of his family, his daughter, (she is a sweetheart) and I met his ex. THANK GOD that they have a good relationship. I wish I could have the same relationship with my ex, but you guys know that is not going to happen for me. Not my fault! I only told one person this, just one person. And she was a stranger. And now I am telling you… I am in love with this man and he is in love with me. Even before we kissed, we just knew. The feeling is so overwhelming.
I’m a pretty logical chick, and the feelings that I am having do not make any sense, but at the same time, they do. I could never understand before how people would say that they knew that they were in love with their significant other at first sight, or after a short amount of time, but now, I can understand. It can happen. And it has happened, to me. To us. And I am so happy. And thankful.
It’s about time.
I’m dating someone. *drops mic*
Yep. Me. I am dating someone and even I am shocked at this revelation. I thought it would never happen. Even though I knew it would eventual, I was still pretty shocked that someone took an interest in me. And took such a strong interest in me at that! You wanna know what the kicker is? I grew up with him. We grew up in the same building when we were kids, right before my mother left and brought me to Florida.
We have been estranged for 33 years. Then I found out that his parents moved to Florida and that his father was dying and I decided to go and see them before he passed. I had no idea that I would be in a relationship two weeks later. His father died, unfortunately. But from his death, birthed something wonderful. And I am so grateful. I thought I would never let anyone get next to me again. I thought the walls would be up forever. But they just came tumbling down, effortlessly.
We are so much alike. It’s a little scary how alike we are. But he is the sweetest man on earth. And he is very open and honest. I don’t have to force him to open up to me. Only bad thing is that he lives in NYC, but that’s not a deal breaker for me. I will leave everything up to the Lord. If he really wants to be with me, he knows that he would be the one to make that move. Let’s face it. I’m stalemated here in Florida because of the ex. This guy though, we’ll call him Double R, he has a daughter and she is 16. He still has much more freedom than I do.
I already know/knew his parents and his family from when I was little and when I went up to visit his ailing dad, it was a reunion. And when I go and visit NYC, I will re-introduce him to my dad. I think it will be ok. I told my dad and he just laughed. Let’s see, I’ve only told my dad, Mo, and Madie. I am taking my time with telling people because this would be the first time that I have anyone to introduce anyone too! It is a little much for me to handle.
I was confused as what I should refer him as, boyfriend, my baby, my boo, my MAN, like…what???? He was even thinking the same thing. He had been alone for a while and was just waiting for God to send him someone. We connect on so many levels. It’s very nice. And I’m glad that it wasn’t on some social media platform. I had a human connection with someone, face to face.
And I told him about my celibacy and the no kissing rule and he agreed to it all. Another shocker. Most men would run the other way. Especially since they are older and have had sex. They act like they can’t live without it sometimes. Like they’d really die. I ain’t gonna lie, it will be hard to not kiss him. I am so affectionate. And it will be hard to not jump his bones because I do miss sex and being with someone in a physical way, but I do not want to mess up and incur God’s wrath. I made a vow, a sacred promise to do things the right way and my flesh is just going to have to have several seats!
We have no choice but to take things slowly because of the distance. And I think the distance can also be a good thing. It’ll help us gauge the level of respect we have for each other and the determination we have to make this thing work and see where it goes. I mean, a man will move mountains to get to a woman, right? Well, I hope that he is that man and I hope I am that woman.
I love the honeymoon phase. But with the no sex clause, it will force us to connect in another way and on another level. Everyone gets along with the person that they’re having sex with in the beginning. Let’s see what happens when there is NO sex. And no kissing. Because people can get confused and soul-tied through kissing. I’m worth more and so is the man that is in my life. I want to give him a pure version of myself. Someone that is strong and knows who she is and what she wants. Someone that is a true woman of God and not a phony.
He makes me laugh and smile and we compliment each other. I hope he doesn’t get tired of me. I really would like this to work. I don’t want to deal with any rejection and abandonment. I think I have had my fill of that.
Man, it feels like I haven’t written anything in about a million years! I guess you could or would consider that a good thing, no? I usually only come on here to write when I am angry at the ex. But there have been some moments where I was angry with him but I still didn’t blog about it. Even today, I am not angry about anything, and there is something going on, but God has been so good to me, that I don’t even allow the retardedness that is him, to disrupt my peace anymore.
Sometimes I want to come on here and write about some good things too. I don’t just want it to be about the negative things that I encounter with the ex. I have some moments where I am just bursting at the seams about the goodness of God and I need to share it with the world. For one, I am definitely healed, emotionally. I am no longer the broken Christian heart from 2013. I am scared to read some of my earlier posts because I don’t want to relive the pain, nor do I want to remember how I was at those moments. I was weak, embarrassed, ashamed and so painfully heartbroken back then.
But I can look back and thank God that I went through what I went through, because I am definitely stronger and ready and able to conquer anything that life brings my way. Whether it’s dealing with the ex or any other negative person or thing.
School is coming along very well. There was a moment where I was slacking, but I am picking myself back up. There shouldn’t be any breaks in school. When you have a break, it’s murder getting back on track! And the enemy knew it and sent a lazy spirit after me. Hardest hold to break and I’m still struggling. My schooling on top of the girls’ schooling is a lot of schooling, trust me! But we’re all doing well. And I have 3 more classes and then I finish this June. YAY ME!
Work is still wonderful and church is awesome. I’ve been doing a lot of YouTube watching. I found a really great pastor on there to supplement what I am learning from my actual church. And of course, I am reading some really great books. It’s funny how I thought I didn’t have a life because I was not going out to clubs and dancing and living the Sex and the City life that I assumed other people were doing. Puh-lease, I do more before 6am than darn near a lot of people! LOL!!!
And I am now cherishing my time alone when the girls are with the ex. I am able to focus on me and reset myself. And honey, if I don’t want to do nothing, that’s exactly what I do. NOTHING! And I sleep where I want, when I want. And without any shame. 2017 is bringing some new-ness to my life and I’m happy. Still no boyfriend, but I’m not looking, so what do you expect? God will bring him when the time is right. I think the time will be right after I graduate. I don’t need the added distraction. If I can’t focus sometimes because of the girls, imagine if I had a man?
I’d be getting pulled in three different directions, constantly! Sometimes the thought of having a boyfriend is actually more fun than having one. And I can continue to build a relationship with the Lord while I am single. Once I am courting and married, God is not going to be my main and sole focus. So, I need to get my personal relationship with Him even stronger so I don’t put God in the background when he comes.
I have these moments where I think about closing my blog, but I think that my words help people sometimes when they read about my past pain. When they realize that there is an end out of that painful divorce tunnel. To think, that the sun actually shined again? To believe in love and hope again? To really understand that the tears will stop falling? And to understand fully that God is there with you through it all? It’s an amazing, eye-opening experience. Who knew? I know who knew…everyone that had ever experienced heartbreak. But we all have to go through our devastation in our own time and way before we experience the breakthrough from the heartbreak!
Whelp! Here’s a little update regarding the ex. He’s still a jerk. Are you shocked? LOL! And he’s taking me back to court because he is trying to get out of one of his responsibilities and decided that he’s had enough! LMBOOOOOO!!!! So, we’re going to court, this time with LAWYERS! So, he’s really wasting both our time and money. I don’t know when we’re going to court, but it’s coming soon. He just served me the other night. I’ll let you know what the outcome is. Just know that there will be no sad hearts involved!!! Ciao!
My ex is still a merry jerk, his mistletoe mistress is still a ho, ho, ho and they can both take a nice sleigh ride off a short roof! Lmbooooo! But overall, I had a great Christmas. Saw my kids for a few hours and I’m counting down until I get them back. Holidays suck, but you can and will get through it! Merry Christmas everyone!
My oldest daughter asked me when I was going to find a husband and get married again. Enter the sigh…SIGH…I asked her why she wanted to know. She said that sometimes she sees me looking lonely. I don’t know when she sees me looking lonely or if she’s confusing lonely for tired. Either way, she asked and since she asked me, it has yet to leave my thoughts.
But I told her that I am waiting for God to send me a good man, the right man, a Godly man into my, OUR, lives. I told her that I didn’t want to choose someone that would be here in the house with us, but mistreating us and causing us more chaos and stress than love and happiness. She said she wants me to marry a good man that will play with them and take them to church and be good husband to me and a good daddy to them.
I want to give her this. I want it for both of them. I want it for myself! But I don’t want to rush into anything just because I’m lonely. It’s the holiday season. Hell, I start feeling the loneliness creeping in around my birthday in September because I know I’ll be celebrating my birthday alone and then when October comes, it’s a reminder that he left before my last child’s 1st birthday. And November is disappointing because it’s my oldest daughter’s birthday and Thanksgiving holiday, the time that is spent with family and loved ones.
And then December pops its head out and reminds me the the jolly wonderful, family time of the year, Christmas! When I give gifts and receive none. Did I ever tell you guys that Christmas is my favorite time of the year after my birthday? Christmas never gets old to me. I have a thing with the girls when I bake cookies and we watch the Christmas story and we just chill…until their father comes to get them for his time….enter sigh.
And Christmas just kills my spirit, just a little bit, every year that I am alone or without a romantic partner to share it with. But let’s not forget NEW YEARS EVE! The time set aside for leaving the old behind and starting fresh with the new. Except for me, there seems to never be any fresh. Only old hurts, pains, memories and blahs…and they aren’t new to me anymore. I try to leave them behind in the last year, but they never entirely go away. And I still pray. I still read my Bible. And I am staying busy, having a life and making sure that my girls have a life as well.
But it still just sucks.
Sucks to be alone, sucks that my kid compares what she sees in her father’s house to mine. She probably sees them all laughing and happy and kissing and doing things together as a family and is wondering why the heck it isn’t happening in my home. Too bad she doesn’t remember that it was happening in our home until her father decided I wasn’t enough for him. Sometimes he calls and I hear his voice and he sounds so sad, for whatever the reason and I wanna believe that he may be unhappy, but I know that he is not. And even if he was unhappy, so what? Who cares? Would I really want him back after all of the BS that he put me, US through?! He’s not the same man I knew before. That man is dead. His girlfriend can keep this new dude. He’s not my style.
It feels like I want to cry just writing this. It feels like I want to cry even when I am just doing nothing. But I don’t cry. I just think and ponder. Pray and hope. And I put my faith in the Lord and try to keep it moving and not dwell. I’m not entirely lonely. I have the Lord and I feel Him in my life. It’s just that I am without human touch and love. I wonder if I have to continue to stay in this single season until I don’t even worry about those things. I mean, the celibacy has been going just fine. I am not feeling sexually frustrated or anything like that. It’s just my heart and mind that is still playing tricks on me.
I guess I just had to vent. There’s always a sadness in my heart around this time of the year. But like every year, I get over it and past it. And every year, I get stronger and the pain lessens and lessens. I guess I’m just one of those people that needs a while to recover from heartbreak. Hey, better to recover and heal than to bring baggage and heartbreak to someone else.
I’m in good hands though. God’s hands.
My dream actually came true! The ex proposed to his gf while they were in Disney World. And guess what?! The news didn’t come from him, as it should have. It came from his sister. Why, you ask? Well, let me tell you why, cause he’s a punk. Too scared to say anything to me. Why? I don’t know, especially since he doesn’t care about me because he once told me I was dead to him…But then………………
His gf had the NERVE and AUDACITY to email me the following email below:
“I first want to apologize for contacting you at work but this is the only email address I could locate without asking M for your personal one (he doesn’t know I’m contacting you). I’m hoping that through this email we can find a common ground that’s beneficial to the girls.
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to share the precious time you have with your daughters with others; even more so with a woman who (speaking frankly) you despise. I think it’s important for you to know that I love your daughters and I want the best for them; as I’m sure you do as well. I think it’s easy to agree that an environment that is peaceful and harmonious is best for any child, the girls included. I would love to get to a place where we (you, M, and I) could share important moments with the girls without tension or animosity; it’s important to show the girls that even though adults may have disagreements they can still get along. I understand that the past few years have been difficult and you are completely entitled to your own feelings, emotions, and opinions; even the strong negative ones you have about me. However, my hope is that you can focus your energy on what’s best for the girls. Your daughters love you so much and as I’m sure you’re aware they also love M; and through the years I know they have grown to love me as well. I hate to imagine what it must be like for them to feel as though they’re caught in the middle of the people they love.
As a mother, I’m sure you agree that it’s not fair to them to let adult issues affect their childhood memories. I’m not naive in thinking that you and I will become the best of friends but I truly hope that you could put the animosity you feel for me aside for the sake of your daughters. Sadly, they are the ones caught in the middle and they are who suffer. I believe that the girls would really benefit if we could all work together; or at the very least be able to occupy the same space without tension. It is my deepest hope that slowly, in time we can all become cordial and work together to raise the girls in the best environment possible. I know that ultimately the decision is yours. I also know that I can’t control how you perceive this or how you’ll react to me reaching out; so I want to be clear in saying that it’s completely out of love for the girls and the desire to do what’s best for them. I only ask that you keep that in mind if/when you decide to respond.
Now, in my opinion, this chick has huge balls. After 5 years of the both of you giving me and my girls hell, you want to have a KUM-BA-YA moment. You want to be adult and work through shit. You NOW care about my girls and how they feel about the two of you having torn apart a family. Hmmm…not going to happen, sweetie. I’m sorry, this email is 5 years to late. And from the wrong person. This email should have come from my ex. AND, it should have had an apology for her part in the demise of my marriage. I guess through her excitement of having his child and now about to become his wife, she wants to make things right.
Nope, not going to happen. I remember trying to make things “decent” 5 and 4 years ago and the both of them giving me their ass to kiss. I like how she’s so NOW concerned over my children having POSITIVE childhood memories in order to drown out the negative ones that she and my ex placed. NOW she wants us all to do family oriented activities together. NOW…after she got engaged at the “Happiest Place on Earth”. Biatch please…I don’t care about the engagement, but I do care that she had the nerve to actually email me at WORK and then try to mend the fences that she and him set on fire.
I was so enraged at this email. I have not replied to her, nor am I going to. I did, however, forward it to her betrothed and told him that I better not receive any other emails like this ever again. He wanted to not be a part of the family, he wanted to have nothing to do with me, and he wanted a life totally separate and I gave him EXACTLY what he asked for.
She was there by his side every time he said or did something nasty to me and she didn’t care then. I don’t give two craps if she’s changed. I’m done. I’ve been done with them. I have forgiven and had closure knowing that he NOR she would ever apologize and I moved past. But don’t reach out to me ever again. The both of them chose to be nasty together and treat me like shit, and now, you can do it legally and happily ever after. This ain’t no NBC family sitcom of blended family joy. No sir. This is real life and in real life, you can’t just say whatever you want to people and do whatever you want to them and then wake up with an epiphany of “LET’S BE FRIENDS FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS!”
I’m just gonna leave it at that. If I change my mind in a few years, then I change my mind. But for right now… NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN.
2016, adultery, affair, alone, anger, angry, calm, cheating, children, christian, christian divorce, christians, comfort, coparent, deadbeat dads, depressed, depression, divorce, divorced, emotions, ex-husband, faith, family, family issues, feeling, feelings, God, God's will, happy, healing, heart, holidays, hope, hurt, joy, life, lonely, love, marriage, pain, peace, post-divorce, pray, prayer, relationship, relationships, sad, single, single parent, why
I have my moments where I feel some different types of emotions when I know that my ex is taking my kids out of town. I can’t explain it. I’m happy for my girls, that he’s doing something with them, but at the same time, it really bothers me. Anyone else feel that way? I think I would feel the same even if he were single and was still going out of town with the kids. I’m not sure if it feels worse because he’s taking his marriage-disrupting, slut Rhino of a gf and acting like one big happy family with my kids as well.
Well, after writing and re-reading that sentence, it’s probably more the latter than the former. It’s that feeling of, that should be me, that’s my family and you betrayed me/us and now you’re doing things that you could have been doing with me/us. I have stray moments where I swear I am totally and completely over him and his stupidity, but then…he pulls a “family” vacation card and I just get to feeling icky all over again.
And I know it’s also because of the holidays. I love celebrating holidays. I don’t go all out for them, but I do love holidays and Halloween is one of my favorites. I think he’s taking them to Mickey’s Halloween Party, which is great. My girls will enjoy themselves and he needs to spend some money on them. I wanted to take them, but it would cost me over $1k to go. So please! Go ahead! Take them. I’ll save my money for out of the country trips!
IDK, I just wish that my heart was completely healed and that I completely forgave him and completely released him. I’m definitely a lot better than I was last year and so forth. I hope I won’t always feel this tinge, even after I find someone for myself.
I know God will do it, I know He will. And He is already healing me and comforting me. I just wish I could be like some people and just be done with it all, already! Some people have absolutely no problem in letting go. But me, chile boo. Takes a long while, apparently. But I’ll get there with God’s help. He definitely takes care of the brokenhearted.