I was watching this movie called “Smashed” this morning and it’s about a married couple that drink, A LOT, until the wife decides that she needs to stop and she joins AA and gets help and all that good stuff. And of course, once she joins AA, the rest of her life seems to turn to crap, i.e. she gets fired and then her marriage becomes unraveled and she separates from her husband. But towards the end of the movie, when she is getting her one year pin, she expresses how she’s happy, even though her life kinda blew up in her face. Even though her marriage is over, even though she lost her job and is now working for less money, she is happy. And she wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.
I can relate to the chick in the movie. Not because I’m an alcoholic, but because I am a Christian. And I can pinpoint when my marriage really started to change and go south after I chose Jesus Christ over my ex-husband. Let me just say, unequally yolked is not just something that Christians say to scare people. That shit is real and can become a real problem in any kind of relationship. I started to change, I stopped doing certain things, and it took a toll on my ex-husband because he wasn’t changing. He had never accepted Jesus into his heart and he didn’t feel like he needed to. That was MY THING, and that was cool, until MY THING started to creep into OUR LIVES and I wanted full circle change. And then he met someone else, someone who was more into HIS THING and I went out the door with yesterday’s trash.
But, even through all of that, even through all the bitter fights and the terrible lonely moments that I have had, I still have Jesus Christ in my life. The husband is gone and Jesus stayed! And I don’t regret asking Him to come into my heart, I don’t regret it not one bit. I am happy, I am. I have my retarded blah moments because I’m a freaking human. Do I miss my ex? Of course! Do I still love him? Sure do! Would I take him back right now? ………………………..No. Because he has not changed. And taking him back would be a backwards step for me. And I can never go backwards ever again. Not after all the forward progress that I have made. I love him, truly, honestly, wholeheartedly. But change is necessary when you want to make forward progression. And with Christ, there is no going back.
Just like when one guy told Jesus, “let me just go and say goodbye and bury my dead” and Jesus was like, “NOPE! If you coming with me, you going all the way and there is no going back to the old or to bury the dead or nothing like that! I’m heading this way and if you coming, come. If not, that’s cool too. Your choice.” Obviously I am paraphrasing, but it’s pretty much what He said.
I have grown so much over the last couple of years. I have prayed over myself and others, I have learned more about myself and others and I am grateful for where I am right now in my life. I still feel those moments where I am sad, but that’s cool. It’s ok. I just have to handle them a little better until they are no longer sad moments. My ex and I shared a moment where we were cracking jokes one day and my heart soared with giddiness. And then I felt pain afterwards. And confusion. And of course, the sadness. All at the same damn time. I have to get rid of this hope that I have for reconciliation with this man. I think that’s what keeps me from really, truly experiencing total joy, peace and happiness. I need to FULLY accept this singleness that I have been given.
I need to accept it and understand it and use it to better glorify the Lord and all that He has done in my life. But it’s hard. Hard to let go. Hard to understand what is sometimes so very confusing. It’s hard to stop asking that “why” question and to just go on with life. But that’s where faith comes in and that’s where trust comes in. And I have to learn to let God lead me to where He wants to bring me. Just like in my ballroom dancing lessons, I have to let the man lead me. Hell, I’m not going to lie, it’s hard to let a human man lead me, much less the Creator of the universe. SHEESH! I have a submission problem! LOL! But I am working on it.
And once I let Him lead me completely, everything will definitely fall totally in place in my life. I’ve been walking that fine line of letting Him lead me and then I get scared and I take back control and that does nothing for me. I remain stagnated and then I start to wonder why. WTH?! And then I realize, “DUH! it’s YOU dummy! You’re keeping yourself back from the blessings! Stop being an idiot!” There was a moment in my life that I did let Him lead and I was at such peace. I was completely at ease and then I just fell off the faith/trust wagon. This time, I’m gonna get back on and stay on! More praying! More fasting! More focusing on Him and working on me! I’m working towards that Abraham kinda faith. That Job kinda trust. And that King David kinda love for God.
And just like that girl in the movie, who was happy in her crappy little apartment, making less money and not living with her husband, I will be accepting of my situation. More-so than now. Someone told me that I still need to be delivered completely from my marriage and my ex-husband. And I do. My heart is the problem. But one day, I will be able to speak to him without any flashbacks of the past, one day we’ll be able to be in the same room and laugh without me wondering if he wants to come back home to us, one day I’ll even be able to speak to his slut gf and one day maybe I’ll stop calling her his slut gf. But just like AA, we’re going to take this one day at a time…..
I still have un-forgiveness in my heart. I can feel it, and I know it’s there because of the way I react when I have to interact with him. And I want to forgive him fully and his slut gf too. I just have to keep going through my journey and to keep reading His word. It will all come full circle. It always does.