Man, it feels like I haven’t written anything in about a million years! I guess you could or would consider that a good thing, no? I usually only come on here to write when I am angry at the ex. But there have been some moments where I was angry with him but I still didn’t blog about it. Even today, I am not angry about anything, and there is something going on, but God has been so good to me, that I don’t even allow the retardedness that is him, to disrupt my peace anymore.
Sometimes I want to come on here and write about some good things too. I don’t just want it to be about the negative things that I encounter with the ex. I have some moments where I am just bursting at the seams about the goodness of God and I need to share it with the world. For one, I am definitely healed, emotionally. I am no longer the broken Christian heart from 2013. I am scared to read some of my earlier posts because I don’t want to relive the pain, nor do I want to remember how I was at those moments. I was weak, embarrassed, ashamed and so painfully heartbroken back then.
But I can look back and thank God that I went through what I went through, because I am definitely stronger and ready and able to conquer anything that life brings my way. Whether it’s dealing with the ex or any other negative person or thing.
School is coming along very well. There was a moment where I was slacking, but I am picking myself back up. There shouldn’t be any breaks in school. When you have a break, it’s murder getting back on track! And the enemy knew it and sent a lazy spirit after me. Hardest hold to break and I’m still struggling. My schooling on top of the girls’ schooling is a lot of schooling, trust me! But we’re all doing well. And I have 3 more classes and then I finish this June. YAY ME!
Work is still wonderful and church is awesome. I’ve been doing a lot of YouTube watching. I found a really great pastor on there to supplement what I am learning from my actual church. And of course, I am reading some really great books. It’s funny how I thought I didn’t have a life because I was not going out to clubs and dancing and living the Sex and the City life that I assumed other people were doing. Puh-lease, I do more before 6am than darn near a lot of people! LOL!!!
And I am now cherishing my time alone when the girls are with the ex. I am able to focus on me and reset myself. And honey, if I don’t want to do nothing, that’s exactly what I do. NOTHING! And I sleep where I want, when I want. And without any shame. 2017 is bringing some new-ness to my life and I’m happy. Still no boyfriend, but I’m not looking, so what do you expect? God will bring him when the time is right. I think the time will be right after I graduate. I don’t need the added distraction. If I can’t focus sometimes because of the girls, imagine if I had a man?
I’d be getting pulled in three different directions, constantly! Sometimes the thought of having a boyfriend is actually more fun than having one. And I can continue to build a relationship with the Lord while I am single. Once I am courting and married, God is not going to be my main and sole focus. So, I need to get my personal relationship with Him even stronger so I don’t put God in the background when he comes.
I have these moments where I think about closing my blog, but I think that my words help people sometimes when they read about my past pain. When they realize that there is an end out of that painful divorce tunnel. To think, that the sun actually shined again? To believe in love and hope again? To really understand that the tears will stop falling? And to understand fully that God is there with you through it all? It’s an amazing, eye-opening experience. Who knew? I know who knew…everyone that had ever experienced heartbreak. But we all have to go through our devastation in our own time and way before we experience the breakthrough from the heartbreak!
Whelp! Here’s a little update regarding the ex. He’s still a jerk. Are you shocked? LOL! And he’s taking me back to court because he is trying to get out of one of his responsibilities and decided that he’s had enough! LMBOOOOOO!!!! So, we’re going to court, this time with LAWYERS! So, he’s really wasting both our time and money. I don’t know when we’re going to court, but it’s coming soon. He just served me the other night. I’ll let you know what the outcome is. Just know that there will be no sad hearts involved!!! Ciao!
My oldest daughter asked me when I was going to find a husband and get married again. Enter the sigh…SIGH…I asked her why she wanted to know. She said that sometimes she sees me looking lonely. I don’t know when she sees me looking lonely or if she’s confusing lonely for tired. Either way, she asked and since she asked me, it has yet to leave my thoughts.
But I told her that I am waiting for God to send me a good man, the right man, a Godly man into my, OUR, lives. I told her that I didn’t want to choose someone that would be here in the house with us, but mistreating us and causing us more chaos and stress than love and happiness. She said she wants me to marry a good man that will play with them and take them to church and be good husband to me and a good daddy to them.
I want to give her this. I want it for both of them. I want it for myself! But I don’t want to rush into anything just because I’m lonely. It’s the holiday season. Hell, I start feeling the loneliness creeping in around my birthday in September because I know I’ll be celebrating my birthday alone and then when October comes, it’s a reminder that he left before my last child’s 1st birthday. And November is disappointing because it’s my oldest daughter’s birthday and Thanksgiving holiday, the time that is spent with family and loved ones.
And then December pops its head out and reminds me the the jolly wonderful, family time of the year, Christmas! When I give gifts and receive none. Did I ever tell you guys that Christmas is my favorite time of the year after my birthday? Christmas never gets old to me. I have a thing with the girls when I bake cookies and we watch the Christmas story and we just chill…until their father comes to get them for his time….enter sigh.
And Christmas just kills my spirit, just a little bit, every year that I am alone or without a romantic partner to share it with. But let’s not forget NEW YEARS EVE! The time set aside for leaving the old behind and starting fresh with the new. Except for me, there seems to never be any fresh. Only old hurts, pains, memories and blahs…and they aren’t new to me anymore. I try to leave them behind in the last year, but they never entirely go away. And I still pray. I still read my Bible. And I am staying busy, having a life and making sure that my girls have a life as well.
But it still just sucks.
Sucks to be alone, sucks that my kid compares what she sees in her father’s house to mine. She probably sees them all laughing and happy and kissing and doing things together as a family and is wondering why the heck it isn’t happening in my home. Too bad she doesn’t remember that it was happening in our home until her father decided I wasn’t enough for him. Sometimes he calls and I hear his voice and he sounds so sad, for whatever the reason and I wanna believe that he may be unhappy, but I know that he is not. And even if he was unhappy, so what? Who cares? Would I really want him back after all of the BS that he put me, US through?! He’s not the same man I knew before. That man is dead. His girlfriend can keep this new dude. He’s not my style.
It feels like I want to cry just writing this. It feels like I want to cry even when I am just doing nothing. But I don’t cry. I just think and ponder. Pray and hope. And I put my faith in the Lord and try to keep it moving and not dwell. I’m not entirely lonely. I have the Lord and I feel Him in my life. It’s just that I am without human touch and love. I wonder if I have to continue to stay in this single season until I don’t even worry about those things. I mean, the celibacy has been going just fine. I am not feeling sexually frustrated or anything like that. It’s just my heart and mind that is still playing tricks on me.
I guess I just had to vent. There’s always a sadness in my heart around this time of the year. But like every year, I get over it and past it. And every year, I get stronger and the pain lessens and lessens. I guess I’m just one of those people that needs a while to recover from heartbreak. Hey, better to recover and heal than to bring baggage and heartbreak to someone else.
I’m in good hands though. God’s hands.
I had a dream last night about my ex and his gf that he left us for. And in my dream, God presented them to me and asked me, “____, your ex and ____ are going to get married. How do you feel about that?” I looked at them and then I turned in God’s direction and said, “I don’t really care, Lord. That’s their business. If they get married, they get married. Let them live happily ever after together, if they so choose. The only thing I care about is whether or not they surrender their souls to you to live Godly lives.” And then I woke up.
I was shocked at that dream because I meant the words that came outta my mouth. And I knew I meant them because I woke up with peace. And I mean real peace. Like, I was trying to feel anger, I was trying to feel sad about them getting married, if that were to happen, but instead, I felt nothing. And nothing is a good feeling to have. I think, in all honesty, I really believe that I totally forgive the both of them for their indiscretion. Doesn’t mean I like them or that we’ll be buddies. No sir. Forgiving them hasn’t stopped either of them from being rude and disrespectful people.
It just means that I am not harboring any ill will towards them. I pray for their salvation all the time. It pains my heart that they are not even trying to experience the love, the joy, the peace and comfort that comes from turning their hearts over to our Lord and Savior. But hey, it’s their life and if they are okay with living it the way that they are living it, then that’s their business. No one can make anyone do anything that they do not want to do. I don’t know if God was just testing my spirit, or if He was showing me a glimpse of my ex’s future. I’ve had plenty of dreams with both of them in it, and nothing, for me anyways, has come true. Except for that dream I had where I was running through this building that was falling and I kept trying to get my ex to hurry up. I made it out the building, whereas he looked at me and decided he wasn’t going with me and headed back into the building. The building that was falling, all around him. And I escaped and I have no clue what happened to him, my last glimpse of him was his back, walking into a building that was collapsing and him not having a care in the world.
I can’t tell you if it was the building was supposed to be my marriage, or if the building was supposed to be life…I mean, he and I are living two extremely different lives, I can tell you that much. He’s living and taking the girls to Disney World, but at what cost, I couldn’t tell you. That high life sometimes has a price that you don’t ever want to pay. Having another kid, when you couldn’t afford the first two wasn’t exactly the smartest thing in the world. But everyone is entitled to live their life their way. And if he wants to marry this girl, because she is his one and only true love, then let true love shine POOKIE! I’m at peace with it.
And if it comes to pass that he does propose to her, then I really hope and pray the Holy Spirit continues to give me this same peace. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and go back on my words. My gift to them will be prayer that they accept the Lord 100% into their hearts and spirits.
Man! There was a lot going on in my world this past weekend, and I thank God for it! I give Him all the glory because it was so euphoric! I was literally walking around in a haze of wonderment and just in complete awe of God’s power.
Where do I start? At the beginning, I guess! Saturday, was my mother’s birthday and I was able to wish her another happy birthday on this Earth. Lots of people aren’t able to do this, and I am thankful that my mom is still here. As much as she can work a nerve, she’s still my mother and I love her very much. She told me a little bit of bad news regarding one of my brothers, but I did what I do best in situations that I can’t control, I prayed for him. I don’t talk to her about my brothers when they get in trouble, especially with her because she has an enabling spirit and I can’t be bothered. It just causes an argument between us. But she was happy that we prayed and so was I.
Then I received a phone call from an old friend that I hadn’t heard from in YEARS! Let me give you some background on him…I’ve known him since 2nd grade. He’s also my ex-husband’s best friend, or was (I don’t really know). Unfortunately, he started abusing drugs and alcohol, got a divorce and was just going downhill. He’s also a Jehovah’s Witness. But I have been sending scriptures out to people for the past few years in the morning and he is one of them. He called me to tell me that even though at that dark time he wasn’t reading his bible or going to church, he would read those scriptures everyday. And finally he woke up and decided to change his life. And he thanked me for loving him enough to send those scriptures everyday. That I didn’t give up on him. And he stopped with the drugs, alcohol, philandering and is now getting his life back in order. And I was literally near tears, and I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I had been praying for him for SO LONG! I was just happy, happy that he was getting his life back on track and happy that God had heard my prayers and I was able to witness this miracle!
You don’t get it…there are moments where I am always wondering if God is even listening to me, mainly because the one thing that I want(ed) the most, my marriage reconciled, has not happened. And even my prayers of sending me a good man, have not been answered and these things make me wonder if there is a problem with me and makes me wonder why or if my prayers are being blocked. But I keep forgetting that God works in the spiritual and not in the natural. And when I got my friend’s phone call, I was sure this was the phone call where he was gonna tell me to go to hell and to stop sending him the scriptures, just like my ex did to me and one of my brothers. But it was quite the lovely surprise and it just made me even more excited to praise and worship and thank the Lord!
THEN, on Sunday, my oldest daughter got baptized! She’s 8 years old! And she made the decision all on her own. I was so proud. And the third surprise was the fact that my ex CAME to the baptism. I had included him on the group text that I sent out, but he didn’t even let me or anyone else know he was coming. And he came by HIMSELF! I knew there was the possibility of his gf being with him, if he did decide to come, so I was preparing myself for that encounter as well (with love, of course), lol. But we were cool! We took pictures together, we talked, we actually joked around and he came to my house and ate and hung out with the whole family! I’m not going to lie, if his gf had shown up, she would NOT have been invited to my house. God says I have to forgive, He didn’t say nothing about having to let the woman who committed adultery with my husband in my house….
His mom and sisters were so happy! And so were my girls, they were happy to see us getting along, smiling and talking with each other instead of ignoring one another and being mad. I mean, the man was in a church! I was shocked! And he was finally with all his siblings in one place. And everyone was happy. Glad for the happy reunion and we could just feel all the joy and the love. It was an awesome day. And he even gave me a hug before he left and everyone clapped. LOL! But let me tell you, I was truly happy. TRULY…and I cried during the baptism. Not only because it was my baby’s day, but because he was there, because we haven’t been able to be “normal” with each other in the last 4 years without some kind of negative connotation between us, around us, IN us.
But I told his mom, he and I get along just fine, it’s just that he got (and gets) caught up with that girl and then all hell brakes loose! He and I never had any real problems outside of our financial problems. There was always laughter and love between us. We just didn’t know how to work out our communication and problem solving when it came to the finances. He wanted things his way and I wanted them done the right way. So bump heads, we did. And then enter that Jezebel. HEY! At least I ain’t calling her a slut! That’s what I call maturing….lol. Anyhoo, the entire family was at ease with each other and I know they are never like that with his gf.
When I told my dad and he was like, “don’t go getting all mushy over him again” and I had to tell him the truth. I still love him. And if someone were to ask me if I want my marriage reconciled, I would say yes. But I know I can not take him as is. He would have to change, and that’s the bottom line. Cause if he were to come back just as he left, trust me, he’d be leaving again. And it would be me putting him out this time. Because I’m a different person, I’m a stronger woman and I ain’t gonna put up with the same stuff I put up before I became stronger in Christ. And he wouldn’t be able to handle me. But I pray, I hope, I wonder and I ponder if it is God’s will for me to be reconciled to my husband. I can only wait on the Lord to answer. And His answer will either be in the form of my ex, fully changed or someone completely new and different and already on my level and working with everything that I prayed my future husband will already have in his spirit and in his heart and mind. I’ll just sit back and watch who comes through the door first!
And even though I took Memorial Day off to do absolutely nothing and just relax, I was grateful to have the day off. And my girls were entertaining and aggravating me at the same time. LOL! That’s their job, I know. And I love them for it. It was a wonderful, God-filled weekend. His grace, power and love was eminent. And for that, I am thankful!